well, it came a long time ago i guess. but now i think i'm getting closer to accepting it. the time has come to take charge of my academic life. i feel like a thrive in a mentor-mentee relationship. i thrive on pushes and encouragement from professors. however, the time has come to realize that i'm going to have to push myself. that i'm going to have to be the motivator, here. (i guess i have an option to actually ask one of my profs to push me--but i don't feel good about that. i think i'm too proud. and maybe this is a problem. maybe i like being upset about this. being the martyr. and if that's the case, i will really hate that i'm being that way. martyrs are not very fun people. so, let's hope that that's not the case. at any rate--it's not comfortable for me to ask a prof to do that). anyhow, i feel alone. and i'm going to keep myself company. and we're going to have a good time. and we're going to kick trash. because that's why one goes to gradschool. it's going to be hard to stop wanting that kind of validation. but that is what must be done. because the time has come.
anyhow, please excuse the fact that is apparently whine-blog! how annoying. please scroll down for happy post that i also posted today. i actually tried to make that post be at the top of my blog, but can't figure out how.
02 February 2010
Memories
So, I tend to blog about worries or hangups or issues in my life; I often feel the need to get that stuff out on paper (well, "paper"). That can be quite dreary and boring (also, sneaking suspicion that I worry about people reading just the hangups and issues of my life--not sure I want you all to know how insecure I can be). Also, I don't quite believe in this blog. I'm still not sure what to do with it or do about it. But I also don't quite want to abandon it yet. So, I'm going to copy my very creative friend. She is blogging things she loves. Maybe I'll do that, too. But, for right now, I'm going to blog memories. I love stories. And I love telling stories. So, here's one:
Memory number 1: London.
The Time I Saw Kenneth Branagh
As background to my story, I love Kenneth Branagh.
So, fall 2001. My first study abroad to London. One evening, my friends and I were heading to a movie in Leicester Square. Jamie mentioned that Kenneth Branagh was directing a play called "Play What I Wrote." I said I wanted to go see it, and then we joked about him maybe being in London, and maybe even being at his play, and then we moved on to new subjects. A minute or two later he passed right by me heading in the opposite direction, smoking a cigarette, and talking to some guy. I stopped in the middle of the crowd in shock:
Me: "That was him!"
My friends: "Who?" (obviously they aren't as obsessed w/ KB as I am)
Me: "Kenneth Branagh! He just passed us."
Them: "No he did not, you're lying."
Me: "No way, he's right there."
My friend looks.
Friend: "Holy crap! It is Kenneth Branagh."
We turn around and stealthily stalk him. I wrack my brains for things to say...only stupid things come to mind. He goes into a restaurant. And we go to our movie. I did go see the play later, and it was very funny. The end.
Memory number 1: London.
The Time I Saw Kenneth Branagh
As background to my story, I love Kenneth Branagh.
So, fall 2001. My first study abroad to London. One evening, my friends and I were heading to a movie in Leicester Square. Jamie mentioned that Kenneth Branagh was directing a play called "Play What I Wrote." I said I wanted to go see it, and then we joked about him maybe being in London, and maybe even being at his play, and then we moved on to new subjects. A minute or two later he passed right by me heading in the opposite direction, smoking a cigarette, and talking to some guy. I stopped in the middle of the crowd in shock:
Me: "That was him!"
My friends: "Who?" (obviously they aren't as obsessed w/ KB as I am)
Me: "Kenneth Branagh! He just passed us."
Them: "No he did not, you're lying."
Me: "No way, he's right there."
My friend looks.
Friend: "Holy crap! It is Kenneth Branagh."
We turn around and stealthily stalk him. I wrack my brains for things to say...only stupid things come to mind. He goes into a restaurant. And we go to our movie. I did go see the play later, and it was very funny. The end.
02 January 2010
It's Time
In honor of this brand-spanking-new year I feel to start a long-term, sometime-before-I-die, to-do list. So far, it's not very long. I mean, I can't just put anything on the list. It can't be things that kind of sound fun or crazy, but deep down I doubt I will make the effort to actually do. It can't be "yeah, that could be cool" kinds of things. Or just things that I've heard other people put on their corresponding lists. No wishy-washy entries here. It has to be things I passionately want. Things I'm willing to make happen. Serious things. A for real list. So:
1. Live in London (for more than 3 months at a stretch). Living in the UK counts.
2. Spend New Years Eve in Times Square.
3. Get PhD.
4. Write and submit (whatever that is or means) screenplay.
See, I even erased one because I wasn't sure that I really really wanted it. Will continue to add to list as things come up.
1. Live in London (for more than 3 months at a stretch). Living in the UK counts.
2. Spend New Years Eve in Times Square.
3. Get PhD.
4. Write and submit (whatever that is or means) screenplay.
See, I even erased one because I wasn't sure that I really really wanted it. Will continue to add to list as things come up.
11 December 2009
confession
so, i'm trying to write a paper over here and this, i'm sure, is just procrastination. also, it may not be altogether prudent to post this on a blog, but i just can't keep it in: i'm awkward when it comes to talking to professors. there it is. wish i could get over it, because i actually LOVE talking to them, and kind of thrive on communication with professors, yet i'm quite lame at it. is it that i can't think of anything to say? is it that i get nervous and then say stupid stuff and then obsess about all the stupid things i said later? is it that i'm secretly worried that i don't know enough cultural references to keep up with what they're talking about? is it that it kind of feels like one can't pry and ask the same questions of a prof that one can of a peer? perhaps. probably. i don't know. i can't get enough of it, though.
08 December 2009
what i want
you know what i want? here's what i want: i want to be able to do a project that is worth doing. that's interesting and that has an argument with legs that can walk around. and i want to have the stamina and focus and the patience and the mental and psychical ability to spend the time that it takes to do that kind of project. and i want a chair who believes that i can do that and who will push me to do that. (not to say that my chair doesn't believe that). and i want to be the kind of student whose work convinces their chair to believe that.
that's what i want.
that's what i want.
04 December 2009
greats of fall 2009
approaching the end of the semester. wowzers. i felt a hankering for another list and was inspired by a friend's blog. her sibs are doing best of 2009, but, in celebration of finals week, i thought a focus on the semester might be nice:
10. some really good conversations of late with profs. yay!
9. sushi nights with grad friends--delicious food and company.
8. TLS, and the upcoming best-christmas-party-ever.
7. great roomies (sad to not live with the loverly a.m.p. now, though--that part does not go on the greats list).
6. successful moves and channeling richard bennion.
5. having sj here for thanksgiving! love, love her.
4. interesting reading groups.
3. reading enlightenment lit.
2. hilarious, adorable students and some fun film screenings.
1. compiling very cool and intimidating list for comps.
not sure why i counted backwards from 10. the excitement and suspense of it, probably :) i have more, though, so i may have to do another 10.
oh (can't wait for another list): discovering the cupcakery. that place is crazy!
10. some really good conversations of late with profs. yay!
9. sushi nights with grad friends--delicious food and company.
8. TLS, and the upcoming best-christmas-party-ever.
7. great roomies (sad to not live with the loverly a.m.p. now, though--that part does not go on the greats list).
6. successful moves and channeling richard bennion.
5. having sj here for thanksgiving! love, love her.
4. interesting reading groups.
3. reading enlightenment lit.
2. hilarious, adorable students and some fun film screenings.
1. compiling very cool and intimidating list for comps.
not sure why i counted backwards from 10. the excitement and suspense of it, probably :) i have more, though, so i may have to do another 10.
oh (can't wait for another list): discovering the cupcakery. that place is crazy!
17 November 2009
let us take a moment to marvel
at the accomplishments of this man:
A statistic I learned in Tony's class: each one of Sir Walter Scott's 27 novels sold more copies than all of the poets of the Romantic period plus Jane Austen put together. Each ONE of his novels. That includes Byron, who was the first rock star. Walter Scott is arguably the most influential novelist in the English language and certainly made the novel a legitimate literary form. Plus, he was a great guy. His stuff is totally worth a read. Hurrah for Scotland!
A statistic I learned in Tony's class: each one of Sir Walter Scott's 27 novels sold more copies than all of the poets of the Romantic period plus Jane Austen put together. Each ONE of his novels. That includes Byron, who was the first rock star. Walter Scott is arguably the most influential novelist in the English language and certainly made the novel a legitimate literary form. Plus, he was a great guy. His stuff is totally worth a read. Hurrah for Scotland!
04 November 2009
unclaimed baggage.
side note: i was at a student panel last night (and heard two GREAT papers). one of the papers talked about confession and it occurred to me that this blog is like my own personal confessional--a place where i enact a need to tell truths or get at the truth of how i feel. that seems problematic. also/or this blog is starting to feel like my own personal whine-fest--not good, perhaps. also, i seem to need to start and/or end with side notes. at some point, i should probably scrutinize these things.
at any rate, i promise to have a happy post next!
so, lonely road. i've been having issues and thinking about them and trying to figure out what is going on (she says, cryptically) and it occurs to me:
*whether or not i'm happy about grad school is way too dependent on how i think my profs feel about me and the amount of attention i feel i'm getting. this strikes me as something not good--as something i don't like about, well, me. or at least about how i'm deciding to have this experience. i think i've said this before. and it's still the case.
*last time i was in a graduate program (i was thinking about this last night) i felt claimed. i felt like a couple of my professors decided i was their student and acted accordingly. they took upon themselves the bulk of advising me and helping me through projects. they talked through ideas with me and thought about where i'd do well in grad school. they were interested in and were invested in me as a scholar. i was their student. i knew that these profs were in my corner and had my back. i feel like this time around i can't manage to get claimed. not that there aren't helpful professors around. because there are. but there's a difference, i think, between having helpful, wonderful professors around and being somebody's student. there are moments when i think profs visit my corner or might be interested in being on my team, but i don't feel like i have peeps in my corner consistently. that people are willing to help rather than people consistently wanting to. it hurts the ego a little and makes this journey a little more lonely.
i feel like i'm not describing this well. i just want to be somebody's student. i want to be claimed.
oh well. silver lining! this is helping me be less dependent on profs and others to feel good about this journey (see first *). i have to take more ownership of me and my project. being the only one in my corner forces me to be stronger and to fight more. all to the good.
at any rate, i promise to have a happy post next!
so, lonely road. i've been having issues and thinking about them and trying to figure out what is going on (she says, cryptically) and it occurs to me:
*whether or not i'm happy about grad school is way too dependent on how i think my profs feel about me and the amount of attention i feel i'm getting. this strikes me as something not good--as something i don't like about, well, me. or at least about how i'm deciding to have this experience. i think i've said this before. and it's still the case.
*last time i was in a graduate program (i was thinking about this last night) i felt claimed. i felt like a couple of my professors decided i was their student and acted accordingly. they took upon themselves the bulk of advising me and helping me through projects. they talked through ideas with me and thought about where i'd do well in grad school. they were interested in and were invested in me as a scholar. i was their student. i knew that these profs were in my corner and had my back. i feel like this time around i can't manage to get claimed. not that there aren't helpful professors around. because there are. but there's a difference, i think, between having helpful, wonderful professors around and being somebody's student. there are moments when i think profs visit my corner or might be interested in being on my team, but i don't feel like i have peeps in my corner consistently. that people are willing to help rather than people consistently wanting to. it hurts the ego a little and makes this journey a little more lonely.
i feel like i'm not describing this well. i just want to be somebody's student. i want to be claimed.
oh well. silver lining! this is helping me be less dependent on profs and others to feel good about this journey (see first *). i have to take more ownership of me and my project. being the only one in my corner forces me to be stronger and to fight more. all to the good.
28 September 2009
bloggy thoughts
{warning, i am in a mood}
1. the phd is a lonely road. i'm trying hard to not make it lonely and am failing miserably. which stinks on several levels--for one, i'm failing, and for two, it's lonely. i'm frustrated with my frustrated attempts. why does nobody else seem to crave academic companionship? why does nobody else seem to think that collegial groups that focus on scholarship a good idea? also, this is just more proof that i'm WAY too driven by and dependent on praise and connection/encouragement from peers and professors. i rely on motivation and affirmation(reaffirmation) from those channels to a ridiculous degree. if i don't have my little affirmation fix on a (really) regular basis (beyond regular, in fact. constant, more like) i get into a depressed funk and have trouble working. but then, i'm so excited by any affirmation that i have trouble working anyway.
2. speaking of dependency--the navel gazing of blogging is also quite habit forming. it's like a pensieve. i put my thoughts here and then they stop pestering my brain. i stop mulling over them and can move on to different thoughts on which to mull. it starts to feel like i can't move on to other thoughts (like, say, thoughts about whatever i'm reading) until i blog them. which makes me suspect i'm perhaps more interested in me than is perfectly healthy.
3. what if i just can't focus enough to read for my comps? and what if my reading is worthless because i suck at reading--my note taking methods are crap, i pick up on and pay attention to all the wrong things in a text? perhaps, my slacker habits and my procrastination are finally catching up with me in a bad way. maybe i've done some irreparable damage. at what point do i know it's irreparable? what constitutes irreparable? i know, i know. it's a choice. just sit down and read. but constant stress about taking notes and understanding arguments *or else* makes that easier to type than to actually do.
not really looking for solutions. just a place to vent.
1. the phd is a lonely road. i'm trying hard to not make it lonely and am failing miserably. which stinks on several levels--for one, i'm failing, and for two, it's lonely. i'm frustrated with my frustrated attempts. why does nobody else seem to crave academic companionship? why does nobody else seem to think that collegial groups that focus on scholarship a good idea? also, this is just more proof that i'm WAY too driven by and dependent on praise and connection/encouragement from peers and professors. i rely on motivation and affirmation(reaffirmation) from those channels to a ridiculous degree. if i don't have my little affirmation fix on a (really) regular basis (beyond regular, in fact. constant, more like) i get into a depressed funk and have trouble working. but then, i'm so excited by any affirmation that i have trouble working anyway.
2. speaking of dependency--the navel gazing of blogging is also quite habit forming. it's like a pensieve. i put my thoughts here and then they stop pestering my brain. i stop mulling over them and can move on to different thoughts on which to mull. it starts to feel like i can't move on to other thoughts (like, say, thoughts about whatever i'm reading) until i blog them. which makes me suspect i'm perhaps more interested in me than is perfectly healthy.
3. what if i just can't focus enough to read for my comps? and what if my reading is worthless because i suck at reading--my note taking methods are crap, i pick up on and pay attention to all the wrong things in a text? perhaps, my slacker habits and my procrastination are finally catching up with me in a bad way. maybe i've done some irreparable damage. at what point do i know it's irreparable? what constitutes irreparable? i know, i know. it's a choice. just sit down and read. but constant stress about taking notes and understanding arguments *or else* makes that easier to type than to actually do.
not really looking for solutions. just a place to vent.
14 September 2009
on my crap list
i REALLY started today on the wrong foot. monday has been of the darkside all day and has refused to switch over to the light--despite the fact that all of my classes were great today. i am still in crap mood. it all started with a cockroach in our cereal cabinet late last night. and then insomnia. and then an early morning. and no decent food in the house. and a messy desk. and being unprepared. growl.
SO:
1. cockroches. i hate them. with a burning passion of red burning fire.
2. what is the deal with USC and leaf blowing?? leave the leaves where they are and maybe try hiring people to clean the buildings. because they're DISGUSTING.
3. being behind.
4. my cluttered desk.
... i could go on. but i sense that i should stop.
SO:
1. cockroches. i hate them. with a burning passion of red burning fire.
2. what is the deal with USC and leaf blowing?? leave the leaves where they are and maybe try hiring people to clean the buildings. because they're DISGUSTING.
3. being behind.
4. my cluttered desk.
... i could go on. but i sense that i should stop.
01 September 2009
a secret history
{query: why do i always want to blog way more when i'm in the middle of homework than when i'm done?}
once upon a time there was a young girl. she went to school all the dang time. and she had nothing to say about anything. and could not make coherent sentences. it was ridiculous. so she decided to drop out because life sucks like that sometimes. she bought a guitar and started a rock band. except not. so she had to figure something else out. like maybe sell her less-vital internal organs and write screenplays on the side. the end.
once upon a time there was a young girl. she went to school all the dang time. and she had nothing to say about anything. and could not make coherent sentences. it was ridiculous. so she decided to drop out because life sucks like that sometimes. she bought a guitar and started a rock band. except not. so she had to figure something else out. like maybe sell her less-vital internal organs and write screenplays on the side. the end.
27 August 2009
wishing i could wind down list
i'm totally wound up. i can't relax. even if i try. it's kind of exhilarating, actually. i need to get up to campus and start on my work (various). but here's a list about things i wish i could do right now to wind down (in an effort to wind down a bit):
1. Go to the beach with a book. A really gripping book.
2. Lay out at the pool.
3. Go home to WA and hang out with my parents and sleep in my bed and be pampered. And go grocery shopping for my mom and make dinner.
4. Go get a massage.
5. Go to the movies. Make that two movies. In a row. With treats.
6. Go for a long drive in the mountain with the windows down and park my car somewhere.
7. Go get a smoothie, put my feet up, and read.
1. Go to the beach with a book. A really gripping book.
2. Lay out at the pool.
3. Go home to WA and hang out with my parents and sleep in my bed and be pampered. And go grocery shopping for my mom and make dinner.
4. Go get a massage.
5. Go to the movies. Make that two movies. In a row. With treats.
6. Go for a long drive in the mountain with the windows down and park my car somewhere.
7. Go get a smoothie, put my feet up, and read.
17 August 2009
things-i-wish-were/could do-but-not-really list
i just couldn't help myself! after blogging my last post, i thought of a million lists i want to write and just have to post one before i go do something related to school, like read tristram shandy (there's a list waiting to happen--reasons i do/do not like that book)
{side note: i really like my life, so this is actually a fun list, not at all a sad/pity me list}
this could probably also be titled: things-i-daydream-about list.
1) An artist--the painting/drawing kind. Wouldn't it be so great to be able to create like that? How cool would that be?! How does it happen? What does it feel like?
2) Write a novel. How great would that be? To spend ones time thinking about how to put a plot together and fleshing out characters and stuff. I think I would want to be a fun-read novelist. Like a Harry Potter writer or a really clever and funny mystery novelist, like Jasper Fforde.
3) Olympic athlete. Preferably an ice skater. Or a swimmer. Or a gymnist.
4) A professional musician--a classical one. like a pianist. or a violinist.
5) Have a beautiful singing voice.
6) Grow thick, long, curly hair.
7) Speak lots of languages--like Welsh, French, Scots, German, Spanish, Italian, and Latin. Maybe Portuguese. And definitely Arabic.
8) Write calligraphy.
9) Speak with an accent.
10) Make a film! (I want to do this so badly!) And be able to act.
ahhh, good times. back to the infamous tristram.
{side note: i really like my life, so this is actually a fun list, not at all a sad/pity me list}
this could probably also be titled: things-i-daydream-about list.
1) An artist--the painting/drawing kind. Wouldn't it be so great to be able to create like that? How cool would that be?! How does it happen? What does it feel like?
2) Write a novel. How great would that be? To spend ones time thinking about how to put a plot together and fleshing out characters and stuff. I think I would want to be a fun-read novelist. Like a Harry Potter writer or a really clever and funny mystery novelist, like Jasper Fforde.
3) Olympic athlete. Preferably an ice skater. Or a swimmer. Or a gymnist.
4) A professional musician--a classical one. like a pianist. or a violinist.
5) Have a beautiful singing voice.
6) Grow thick, long, curly hair.
7) Speak lots of languages--like Welsh, French, Scots, German, Spanish, Italian, and Latin. Maybe Portuguese. And definitely Arabic.
8) Write calligraphy.
9) Speak with an accent.
10) Make a film! (I want to do this so badly!) And be able to act.
ahhh, good times. back to the infamous tristram.
why-i-am-skeptical-about-my-blog list
i am skeptical about my blog. and i have been thinking about it lately and wondering why i am not really taking to this blogging thing so well. i have a couple of ideas:
1) because it feels like a journal, except public. which stinks, because then i don't really have the freedom and privacy to complain about things, or analyze/admit my deeper insecurities, or vent, etc. etc.
2) because i don't have any adorable children of whom i could post pictures.
3) because i stink at taking pictures of my own life, and so don't a have visual chronicle of me that i could post instead of adorable pictures of my non-existent children. and, let's be honest, my life pretty much consists of school. exciting. that is going to keep readers on the edges of their seats! it wouldn't even keep me (and i love school) at the edge of my seat. because i couldn't blog the really juicy fun stuff without using lots of code names and things like that (see #1)
{side note: on second thought, code names could be really fun. it would be like the scandalous secret histories i read in my 18C classes. that would also be very academic of me. still. secret histories had (and thus, i would think, have) a tendency to bite their authors in the bum later}
4) because a cool blog that has decided to not post pictures would require interesting posts that would, in turn, require thought and actual writing. and i am way too lazy to do writing on an extra-curricular basis. i mean, if i am actually going to sit down and write, i probably shouldn't be writing a blog.
{unless, of course, i decide to make the blog my "study for comps" blog--but then, see problem #3--that could be come very boring}
so, i'm not sure what to do with this thing. i have thought of making it a blog of lists. because i do like a good list. or maybe i will bite the bullet and actually practice writing. i know, fat chance. or maybe the blog will have to leave cyberspace. we shall see.
1) because it feels like a journal, except public. which stinks, because then i don't really have the freedom and privacy to complain about things, or analyze/admit my deeper insecurities, or vent, etc. etc.
2) because i don't have any adorable children of whom i could post pictures.
3) because i stink at taking pictures of my own life, and so don't a have visual chronicle of me that i could post instead of adorable pictures of my non-existent children. and, let's be honest, my life pretty much consists of school. exciting. that is going to keep readers on the edges of their seats! it wouldn't even keep me (and i love school) at the edge of my seat. because i couldn't blog the really juicy fun stuff without using lots of code names and things like that (see #1)
{side note: on second thought, code names could be really fun. it would be like the scandalous secret histories i read in my 18C classes. that would also be very academic of me. still. secret histories had (and thus, i would think, have) a tendency to bite their authors in the bum later}
4) because a cool blog that has decided to not post pictures would require interesting posts that would, in turn, require thought and actual writing. and i am way too lazy to do writing on an extra-curricular basis. i mean, if i am actually going to sit down and write, i probably shouldn't be writing a blog.
{unless, of course, i decide to make the blog my "study for comps" blog--but then, see problem #3--that could be come very boring}
so, i'm not sure what to do with this thing. i have thought of making it a blog of lists. because i do like a good list. or maybe i will bite the bullet and actually practice writing. i know, fat chance. or maybe the blog will have to leave cyberspace. we shall see.
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