04 November 2009

unclaimed baggage.

side note: i was at a student panel last night (and heard two GREAT papers). one of the papers talked about confession and it occurred to me that this blog is like my own personal confessional--a place where i enact a need to tell truths or get at the truth of how i feel. that seems problematic. also/or this blog is starting to feel like my own personal whine-fest--not good, perhaps. also, i seem to need to start and/or end with side notes. at some point, i should probably scrutinize these things.

at any rate, i promise to have a happy post next!

so, lonely road. i've been having issues and thinking about them and trying to figure out what is going on (she says, cryptically) and it occurs to me:

*whether or not i'm happy about grad school is way too dependent on how i think my profs feel about me and the amount of attention i feel i'm getting. this strikes me as something not good--as something i don't like about, well, me. or at least about how i'm deciding to have this experience. i think i've said this before. and it's still the case.

*last time i was in a graduate program (i was thinking about this last night) i felt claimed. i felt like a couple of my professors decided i was their student and acted accordingly. they took upon themselves the bulk of advising me and helping me through projects. they talked through ideas with me and thought about where i'd do well in grad school. they were interested in and were invested in me as a scholar. i was their student. i knew that these profs were in my corner and had my back. i feel like this time around i can't manage to get claimed. not that there aren't helpful professors around. because there are. but there's a difference, i think, between having helpful, wonderful professors around and being somebody's student. there are moments when i think profs visit my corner or might be interested in being on my team, but i don't feel like i have peeps in my corner consistently. that people are willing to help rather than people consistently wanting to. it hurts the ego a little and makes this journey a little more lonely.

i feel like i'm not describing this well. i just want to be somebody's student. i want to be claimed.

oh well. silver lining! this is helping me be less dependent on profs and others to feel good about this journey (see first *). i have to take more ownership of me and my project. being the only one in my corner forces me to be stronger and to fight more. all to the good.


marymary said...

I'm no professor but I'd claim you in a second!

Jean Bean said...

You described that perfectly, my dear Anna. You are one strong strong strong woman and I simply know that you are a strong scholar, as well. From where I sit in my corner, I am proud of you. I think you do remarkable thinks academically and in life!

I'm so glad you are honest in your blog. It is refreshing to read.

Tammy said...

I totally agree with the last comment and echo the appreciation of the honest blog. Anna, I totally know what you mean. Great description. Makes me want to be a better teacher to my own students. As a scholar I'd say your old profs at the BY are STILL in your corner. Even if they are not at school with you etc. they are cheering you on and perhaps once you emerge from your PhD you will once again be in their web of influence more directly. Good silver lining too. I need more of that thought process myself!