dissertation

{surprise!}

I'm currently looking in Peter Garside's bibliography for novels about sympathy in the 1790s. Here is one of the gems I discovered:

By Anon.
Title:
THE PERJURED LOVER, OR THE HISTORY OF THOMAS BEAUMONT, AN OXFORD STUDENT, AND MISS LUCIA BANNISTER, SHEWING HOW AFTER THE DEATH OF HER FATHER SH=E WAS UNDER THE GUARDIAN SHIP OF MR. SLYMAN, WHO WISHING TO GET HER FORTUNE, (WHICH WAS FIVE THOUSAND POUNDS) INTO HIS POSSESSION, COURTED AND MARRIED HER MOTHER, AND IN A SHORT TIME, BY CRUEL USAGE, BROKE HER HEART. MISS LUCIA BECOMES ACQUAINTED WITH MR. FRIENDLY, HAS MANY SUITORS, BUT NONE OF THEM SUCCEED IN HER GOOD GRACES, AS HER FORTUNE SEEMS TO BE THEIR ONLY OBJECT. MR. BEAUMONT, A RELATION OF MR. FRIENDLY'S, ARRIVES FROM THE UNIVERSITY, HIS AGREEABLE CONVERSATION ENGAGES LUCIA, HE WRITES TO HER, AND TAKES EVERY METHOD WHICH CUNNING CAN MAKE USE OF TO RUIN HER; HE LEAVES HER AFTER MANY PROTESTATIONS TO MARRY HER, BUT IN THE END TOTALLY FORSAKES HER. SHE PROVES WITH CHILD, HER FATHER-IN-LAW DIES AFTER HAVING SQUANDERED AWAY HER FORTUNE AT A GAMING TABLE, LUCIA TAKES LODGINGS IN LONDON, IS DELIVERED OF A BOY, WHICH IS GOT INTO THE FOUNDLING HOSPITAL. LUCIA TAKES TO DRINKING; DIES OF CONSUMPTION; AND BEAUMONT HAVING GOT A COMMISSION IN THE ARMY, IS KILLED INA DRUNKEN BRAWL, AND CONFESSES IT IS DIVINE JUSTICE FOR HAVING BEEN GUILTY OF SEDUCTION AND PERJURY. TO WHICH IS ADDED, ORIGINAL LETTERS FOUND AFTER THE DEATH OF LUCIA, INA BOX, IN HER APARTMENTS.


total winner!

couch to 5K

we will like running if it kills us.

One of my goals this year, as previously stated, is health. To that end I downloaded a new app* called couch to 5k. It is an 8 week program with three runs each week made up for me. I actually really love it. The app tells me when to start, when to jog, and when to walk, and the work outs get increasingly more advanced as the weeks go along. My next run will be a 5 min warm up, a 2 min run and a 2 min walk, a 3 min run and a 3 min walk (done twice over), and then another 2 min run and 2 min walk, and then a 5 min cool down. This is good stuff!

*it totally cracks me up that my first step in getting healthy is downloading an app. nice. i'm becoming one of those scary iphone commercials where living one's life = being on one's phone 24/7.

This month I'll also be trying a new recipe each week in an effort to boost health. I'll let you know about the tasty ones.

confession

i want validation/attention/mentoring from my chair so badly it hurts. i just have to tell somebody, and this blog seems oddly safe. i need to get over this, and i will. i am. confessing helps.

A New Year! Finally!

Ok, so I know that the turning from Dec 31 to Jan 1 isn't technically different from any other turning of one day into the next. I realize that it doesn't magically make me a new, more on top of it, more motivated, more intelligent person. However, for me, there is something happy and magical about new beginnings, even if it is the slightly arbitrary new beginning of the new year.

And, I say good riddance 2011!! I'm with Dave Barry on this one. Not my most shining year ever. I'm not going to go over all of the low moments (whew! - failed rescue mission, my eye is on you), but let's briefly review my New Year's resolutions from 2011:

get married - nope
finish dissertation - nope

*sigh*

Moving on.

I recall that last year some people, instead of resolutions, did "the year of..." sort of thing. I think I'll adopt something like it.

So, this year is going to be the year of:

*health - going to figure out how to be healthy and stay that way.

*knowledge - I'm going to learn something about something every month.

*visiting teaching--100% for 2012

*dissertation

I'm still a little bit hazy on some of the details of some of these (I know, I know, not a great way to start this off--have a little faith!), but I'm looking forward to it!

For this month (and I'll review this in Feb):

*health (forthcoming)
*knowledge - contemporary music
*vt - 100%
*dissertation - 20hrs/week

Rescue Mission Day 2

The very idea of my dissertation or working on it paralyzes me we fear.

So, didn't get a lot done on that. But! I did start to get a handle on some other things, such as my room. That's good.

I waste a lot of time, though. Got to stop doing that.

Rescue Mission Day 1

Ok, nothing going on the dissertation, but it was a really busy day. Mondays and Wednesdays are my long ones. Tomorrow there will be dissertation work of some kind. Unfortunately, I also did not work out. So, progress...healthier lunch. That was nice. Hmmm. Must make better plans.

Anna B: Rescue Mission

I really need to throw myself a rescue buoy. I've been drowning in a stormy sea of distraction and procrastination and dissertation despair. Other things in my life have been fraying at the seams as well--working out, keeping my room and car clean, reading in my field, etc etc etc. I'll spare myself the excuses because, regardless of these, I've come to a decision. It's time somebody stepped in and gave me a hand. And, more importantly, it's time that somebody became me. I think one of the things I'd like to learn and am destined to learn on this PhD journey is how to make myself do things that are hard for me. Specifically, it's sometimes hard for me to focus. It's hard for me to be my own motivator and cheerleader and encourager. But I really want to be that--I want this dissertation. I want this degree. I want to be focused and the kind of person that has what it takes to master this. I feel like I'm dealing in generalities here--just what I tell my students not to do. So, what I'm trying to say here is this: I feel behind in my field. I feel under-read. I am definitely way behind where I want and ought to be on my dissertation. And I feel almost unable, and certainly unmotivated, to focus and get the job done. And I don't want that. I don't like being a time-waster. I don't like failing at this, and failing because I won't try. So, I'm stepping in, staging and intervention, and extending a hand to me. Anna, you're better than this. You're more than this. You can do this. Indeed, you must and will do this.

And this blog is going to help me. For this week, I make a goal to report to myself the progress I've made. I'll report plans and ideas for getting on top of these aspects of my life.


{perhaps I ought to say that not *everything* in my life has gone down the toilet. i've got so many great things. and i actually feel really happy and i enjoy lots of things in my life. perhaps that is why i'm not so proud of the way i'm failing at this thing--my life has given me too many nice things for it to be ok to waste time and potential in the way that i sometimes do}

the diss

as long as i'm recklessly wasting time online, i thought i might as well write a blog post. and don't worry, i haven't forgotten about my new hobby. i will post movie stuff up here soon,

but tonight, i feel like writing about my dissertation.

here's the deal. i can't seem to get past square one. i've been at square one for FOREVER. FFFORRREEEVVVERRR. forever. square one is getting a topic (meaning, in this case, a legit question) with a research trajectory. unfortunately, i'd apparently been going at it all backwards. i was starting at big grand sweeping conclusions. but my chair says, quite rightly of course, that i actually have to start with information from which i can later draw these sorts of conclusions. sheesh. whatever. SO, i made up some questions with some possible research trajectories and sent them off to my chair. we are struggling a bit to meet about them--hopefully that will happen soon--but in the meantime, i've been researching one of the questions further, and i have to say that it is quite overwhelming. which is a little bit scary and makes me feel like i'll never, ever leave square one and i'll be a failure forever. the end.

a new hobby

leaving off the fake swears for a small moment....

i think i need a new hobby and i think it's going to be film. i've long longed to write film reviews. i'm not sure i totally get the genre, but i'm shooting to write one each week; or, at least write one thing about films each week. i think this will be fun!

a dumb a$$

how quickly my mood and perception of myself and my life can change. how small the cause of those changes. earlier today i was pretty proud of myself. i worked out. i read my derrida. i got rid of the mouse. i cleaned up the roaches. i went grocery shopping. i ate a tasty dinner made out of veggies that i had precut for the purpose and meat that i had cooked and frozen earlier in the week and then thawed today. i was feeling like i was a bada**.

then i went to reading group tonight. i actually had preread the whole essay. i had marked it up and thought at least a little bit about it. and seriously, i was so stupid tonight. such a dumba**. i felt and feel so unintelligent and i felt like the only unintelligent one there. the only one who doesn't have it together. the only one who doesn't at least have a handle on their own field. (you might think i'm exaggerating. or that i really do have a handle on my field. or that everybody feels that way. but on the first two you would be wrong, and on the second, everybody feeling that way has no effect on the fact that i do). i couldn't believe how stupid i was. and, of course, it had to be in front of my dissertation chair. well done.

why am i even doing this? how will i ever have a project of any merit? or even a project at all? why won't i focus? why won't i absorb and retain and organize information? i don't like who i've become as a phd student.

anyhow, whatever. forward.

a bad a$$

firstly, i'm a scaredy-pants. i'm scared of all bugs, spiders, reptiles and amphibians. also, most rodents. since i've moved into this house i've dealt with:

*fleas
*wolf spider
*20+ huge-a cockroaches

and today i:
*removed a dead mouse from the pool
*removed a frog from the pool

and i have yet to:
*get rid of the hornet's nest in the pool shed.

i'm pretty sure that makes me a bad a$$.

a good girl

i'd just like to pat myself on the back. i want to tell somebody about how good i have been today and my blog seems like a good entity. today i:

got up admirably early
took the trash out and the big bin to the curb (while braving the bug infested yard)
cleaned out the fridge and cupboards
took that big bag out to the trash
made a grocery list
went grocery shopping
came home and put all those groceries away
put a load of towels in the washer

good girl! i'm very proud of you. thanks! me too.

dissertation, continued

the problem i'm having here is that i don't quite know where to start. i've been out of the saddle for a little bit too long, so i feel like i don't remember anything that i've done. i guess i could write through some of the ideas i've been having. get them down on paper. maybe send them over to tony--investigate what i've got.

maybe i should make a goal to do one writing thing and one reading thing each day. i know that doesn't sound like much, but for this girl, it's pushing it!

i don't want to be premature, here...

but i think i'm back in the saddle on research and dissertation! yay! i took a naughty naughty bad break for a while. but, i'm back. details forthcoming.