28 September 2009

bloggy thoughts

{warning, i am in a mood}

1. the phd is a lonely road. i'm trying hard to not make it lonely and am failing miserably. which stinks on several levels--for one, i'm failing, and for two, it's lonely. i'm frustrated with my frustrated attempts. why does nobody else seem to crave academic companionship? why does nobody else seem to think that collegial groups that focus on scholarship a good idea? also, this is just more proof that i'm WAY too driven by and dependent on praise and connection/encouragement from peers and professors. i rely on motivation and affirmation(reaffirmation) from those channels to a ridiculous degree. if i don't have my little affirmation fix on a (really) regular basis (beyond regular, in fact. constant, more like) i get into a depressed funk and have trouble working. but then, i'm so excited by any affirmation that i have trouble working anyway.

2. speaking of dependency--the navel gazing of blogging is also quite habit forming. it's like a pensieve. i put my thoughts here and then they stop pestering my brain. i stop mulling over them and can move on to different thoughts on which to mull. it starts to feel like i can't move on to other thoughts (like, say, thoughts about whatever i'm reading) until i blog them. which makes me suspect i'm perhaps more interested in me than is perfectly healthy.

3. what if i just can't focus enough to read for my comps? and what if my reading is worthless because i suck at reading--my note taking methods are crap, i pick up on and pay attention to all the wrong things in a text? perhaps, my slacker habits and my procrastination are finally catching up with me in a bad way. maybe i've done some irreparable damage. at what point do i know it's irreparable? what constitutes irreparable? i know, i know. it's a choice. just sit down and read. but constant stress about taking notes and understanding arguments *or else* makes that easier to type than to actually do.

not really looking for solutions. just a place to vent.

5 comments:

Spencer G said...

I've been wondering recently myself what increased scrutiny and introspection--has done to the modern mind. I'd probably think more about it but my slacker habits and procrastination have prevented me thus far.

State of Grace said...

Man, it seems like you've been having a bad couple weeks...but never fear, your new blog stalker is here!! I found your blog through Aimee's, and how happy it made me!

I hope things get better and I miss seeing your beautiful face every Sunday!

Don and Amy Bennion said...

You're halfway there, Anna! You can do it!
And since I know you so well, I know you are way more interested in others and helping others than you ever are about yourself, so I don't buy that "more interested in me than is healthy" line. :)

Amy

Tammy said...

I agree with the last comment. Plus your venting reminds me of a great line from Ben Folds' song "Jane be Jane"..."you're worried there might not be anything at all inside. That you're worried, should tell you that's not right."(or pretty close to that). Anyway...love the honest blogging, Anna! And love you! vent on and conquer!

Physcokity said...

don't feel so bad about numero dos. I would venture to say that writing something down in a physical pen and paper journal would probably have the same effect, before blogging that's how I got thoughts out and off of my mind. I also found it cathardic for those especially pesky thoughts that wouldn't leave well enough alone. ;)