qualified!

i am now officially a phd candidate.

the question i answered: which theoretical model do i think is most useful/important in studying 19C british lit?

questions i didn't answer:
compare and contrast romantic and victorian poetic constructions of the self. (nope--don't really do lots of poetry. also hadn't reviewed lyrical ballads)
how do issues of empire manifest themselves in romantic and victorian literature? (nope--had decided beforehand not to do the empire question in the event of one)


to do:
finish course work
get dissertation chair
publish something
take and pass language exams
take and pass comprehensive exam
write a prospectus for diss.
write diss.
defend diss.
get job.

my first romanticism conference

although i've been to a couple of conferences at this point in the gradschool career, i've never been to one that actually focuses on my primary area.

until october. i went to the ICR conference in MI. on the plus side, it was really great to see fall colors on the trees! i forgot how much i like the fall season and how excited it makes me feel at the beginning of the school year. also, i had a great time hanging out with grad students in my area from usc. and it was, of course, great to see nick--who was totally supportive as always.

on the other side, i can't even believe how stinking nervous i was to present my paper. i was really afraid that i might do something ridiculous in the middle of it--like cry, or wet my pants, or something. i didn't do either of those things, fortunately (go ahead and chalk that one up on the plus side). also, it just didn't feel right to be at a conference without brooke and sarah. and i discovered something rather unfortunate--it seems to me like i'm somewhere in gothic limbo land. i don't really know the 18C, but i also don't really know the 19C either. i really felt a lack of "expertise" in the romantic period, and as a result did not feel comfortable chatting with people about their projects--which was not that fun to find out as i'm hoping to both examinate and dissertate in that period. oh well! better go pull out the old poetry books...

booyah.

according to facebook

i am a reincarnation of ghandi.

for some reason (perhaps a fantastic, very busy, and emotionally exhausting weekend) this is so funny to me and i can't stop laughing. good old facebook quizzes.

did you know

that i am now part of three blogs? seriously. i can't even keep up with one.

so, i've been reading a lot for class lately. Vanity Fair has to be the longest book--and, as M. says, it just keeps getting longer. anyhow, i was sitting at my coffee table yesterday, and in the middle of reading i got distracted by trying to see how high my clicky pen could jump. i tried different parts of the table and different methods to keep my hand still.. and then i realized what i was doing. i think this may be early-onset insanity.

here's my problem, i think, with blogs. they are so dang public. not that people necessarily do read this one--i would have given up checking it long ago--but that people could read it. thus i don't feel as free to express thoughts and feelings like i do in a journal. i always think about how i never want posterity to read my journals. or if someone decided to compile my journals to figure out what i'm like, they'd probably think i was some crazed, complaining, self-indulgent, navel gazing i-don't-know-what. and, heck, i don't want potential googlers to find this and find that. maybe i'm just thinking of blogs in the wrong way. maybe they don't serve the same purpose as a journal. maybe my neuroses go in the journal and my something else goes in the blog. but what?

well, here's one thing: i think i have an allergy to high achievement/working towards high achievement/being seen as working towards high achievement. i gather this from class posts. i have to post weekly in each of my grad classes and really have a tough time not wanting to be super-informal. i have a tough time forcing myself to be polished there, as one would think i ought to be with anything my professors read. not so, mes amies. i almost take pleasure, soft be it spoken, in not being polished. weird. and i thought i was going to keep neuroses in the journal.

scraping bottom

in so many ways. i've been with the boys for over a week now, and we've got a few more days to go. so far today we got up and had breakfast. i gave them a bath. they wanted me to chase them around the house and tickle them. we played race cars. we walked to the park and played and went to the store. then we had lunch. then we went back to get b's sweater. then we came home, and they are napping! so i've got some time to myself. i should be working. or studying. but, in the true spirit of procrastination, i think i'll write here for a minute.

things have been tough. it's not that they're tough kids. on the contrary. i mean, they are active for sure. but they're not overactive. and they aren't hard to please. but for some reason this has stressed me out. it has taken me to my emotional limit. it's tough to totally put my finger on why. i think that i think too much about planning out the time and filling up the time, when really the time would probably fill itself. i probably need to chill out. also, i'm sure going from having all free time (or at least time filled by things that i've decided to do) to having no free time has something to do with it. a little trauma. anyhow, i had better go do whatever it is i'm going to do. goal: chill out.

stick shift

the great thing about this blog is that it keeps coming back. you think it's over, you're sure it's dead, and then, kazaam! it's back! it's like...something that keeps coming back. maybe i'll think of an apt simile in the course of a little typing.

1. I've discovered (rediscovered?) the best children's story book: There's a Monster Under My Bed. That's some great entertainment.

2. So, I'm in Denmark watching the nephews for two weeks so that d&a can see some of Europe before baby #3 comes along in Oct. Free trip for me. Triple ripple booya.

I'm slightly nervous about a few things, though. For one, I'm driving stick shift for the first time ever. I've been practicing for the last couple days. Keeping fingers crossed. W, my oldest nephew, is just potty trained. This means--not to put too fine a point on it--dumping out the little potty chair. Also, he does not like to go stinky and puts it off until the edge of too late. And finally, I'm a little nervous about handling two at once. I mean, how will I give both of them enough attention? And how will I keep track of them when we get to the park or tivoli or whatever?

On the up side (which is much greater than those few little worries) both boys are really sweet and funny and easily entertained. So, it's going to be quite a two weeks!

Will maybe keep the blog abreast of further developments as the week goes on (number of pooped pants, number of times car stalled in middle of intersection, highlights of the day such as playing in the kiddie pool outside).

good times!

list making

is something i love to do. which is funny, because they never seem to work right for me--i lose them, or i get distracted by things not on the list, and then i don't end up crossing anything off. yet i keep making them. and i think i'm going to make more lists today. i need to make lists on:

*work out schedule (now that i have almost unlimited free time!)
*reading schedule
*reading list
*cleaning list
*to do list for today
*to do list longer term

i guess the first two aren't really lists. whatever.

also, what is the deal with post-semester blues? i feel like i'm living in the nothing. nothing sounds good--not reading, not cleaning, not napping, not going for a walk, not painting my nails, not jogging, not cooking, not watching tv. only two things sound any good--going to visit eg brooke and lizzy g and going to six flags. i am just in blah mood. zero zero zero motivation. to even move. so, i'm hoping that making some lists will help snap me out of my post semester yucky place. if i can get up the ganas to actually write them.

that's it! i'm doing the dishes.

one long identity crisis

that's what i think gradschool is. 6-10 years of not knowing...who knows what. not knowing anything? not knowing what you don't know? not knowing everything? this is sounding kind of negative--but i don't mean it that way. i find the crisis quite exhilarating, actually. my latest crisis is not knowing what kind of professor/scholar i want to be. a wise wise person once told me that it's important to realize one's academic "ceiling"--one's intellectual capacity. as much as i think that's great advice and as much as i respect all advice coming from this wise person, i think i'm unwisely going to take a different route. i say always assume you don't have a ceiling. i say push beyond the limit as if you totally can. anyhow, that's my new MO and i might go down in flames. but flames are fun. flames are exciting. and hey, if this job doesn't have any flames, then i might as well go do something that will actually make money at a fraction of the time cost.

operation crave

welcome to operation help anna's body crave fruits and vegetables (code name: operation crave). our task, as you might have guessed, is to see if we can't make me want to eat fruits and veggies. this isn't to say that i NEVER crave these things. i just more often than not crave icecream or hamburgers or tater tots (arguably, yes, a veggie--but for the purpose of operation habcfv we're striking it off the list). is this possible? i think so. i seem to remember randomly craving apples all the time at one point. a truly psychidelic moment in my life. i want to get back there. so, GO TEAM.

in pursuit of our goal, i'm working on baby carrots. we're bringing these to school and are not letting me buy anything to eat. this is a good place to start i think. carrots have that satisfying crunch and the weird orange color (weird being a good thing in this case--and good thing in most cases, i think). so far so good today. i ate carrots on my way back to class after swimming.

i'll keep you on top of any developments.

wildlife cont.

I totally saw a big wild turtle today crossing the road as I was driving to school. Did he walk all the way to the middle of a residential neighborhood? Talk about the incredible journey. CRAZY!

reasons to live

We have wild turtles here in SC!! Not even kidding. I was walking around my neighborhood the other day and there was a tiny turtle just chilling in the road. And my roommate, Aimee, says that sometimes she has to stop her car and move big ones out of the road so that she doesn't hit them. Who even knew wild turtles were an option?? How do they survive? Wild turtles!!! I knew that I was meant to come to SC.

the world

is out of control! upsidedown! gradschools aren't begging the MOST brilliant people to join their programs! a perfectly normal person who will remain unnamed is suddenly obssessive naziperson! michael johns got KICKED OFF of American Idol! Seriously, world? Seriously???

changes

This blog started as a place to post about my Wales SA trip (which was phenomenal). It has slowly evolved to be a place to think and write about all the silliness, anxiety and ridiculousness that comes with being in grad school and potentially facing up to life sometime. Which brings me to changes: because my blog has evolved, I started thinking that I ought to change my blog title from Cymru am Byth to something more appropriate. I even went to the settings place and stared at my title, poised to type something new and pithy. But it made me too sad (this seems to be a common theme with me and change). I love Welsh. And I love Wales. And it occurred to me that Wales Forever is totally appropriate. Wales is the underdog of the UK. But they're feisty. And they keep coming. And they're kind of random. They've got that great flag. Cymru am Byth it is.

Also, I couldn't come up with anything pithy.

cracks me up

So, I'm writing a paper (shocker) which I have saved in my computer as "dang paper." Every time that I save it the save bar on microsoft office says "word is saving dang paper" as the little work bar fills. It makes my computer sound crochety and cracks me up everytime I push "crtl s." Loving it!

critical theory

fills my soul with bitterness.

thoughts about grad school

To copy a previous post on Alexis's blog.

1. How does a person choose a secondary field? How do I know if I like a field because I like a field, or that I like a field because I like the professor who taught it?

2. What if gradschool/academics isn't my cup o' tea? Will that be clear at some point? Do I want to spend the rest of my life researching and teaching? If I don't, what do I want to do?

3. How does a person know if they want to teach at a research-ish school or a small liberal arts school? I've never been to a small liberal arts college. Maybe I would like it.

4. How does one go about publishing?

5. How are people so productive?

6. I like grad school. And I like the idea of studying and reading and writing all the time.

7. I love the south in the spring. Months of perfect 70-80 degree weather. Wow.

8. I'm happy. I also feel like I don't remember how to think or how to make arguments. I don't know the rules of the game anymore. What kind of arguments am I allowed to make? Or, what kind of arguments are makable? When did I forget that?

another miracle. and a really good time.

I managed to have a paper to present at pcaaca! And we had a phenomenal week. Brooke and I got there on Tuesday to eat sushi, make ourselves look dumb about coffee pots, watch American Idol, and write our papers. Sarah, Bethany and Kati joined us the next day. We had a great time walking around the city, getting blasted again for our papers, and hanging out with Cutchins and his adorable wife. Some photo highlighs:



Me, Brooke and Sarah at the Italian Restaurant for the BYU dinner.

San Fran in the park by the hotel. Gorgeous. We had beautiful weather the whole week.

a miracle

while unloading my groceries i managed to spray sprite zero all over my pants, the bushes and the side of my car. that takes something special.

teaching over the last week

We've been working on object analysis and things are going pretty well, actually. We started the paper on Wednesday and worked thesis statements on Friday. Friday's class went particularly well in my first period. We used one of the girls' object and observations of that object to come up with arguments about that object. I think they really began to see the social constructions behind things that they taked for granted. They really caught on to the idea of socially constructed gender norms. We talked about my brother being in Africa and the huge difference between what is "ok" in terms of physical affection between heterosexual people of the same gender in Africa and what is "ok" here. Anyhow, I'm happy with how that went. My 11:15 class was a little less into it and they're having a tough time getting beyond observations. We'll see how they do over the break.

Spring break here I come!

don't even worry

I have a plan. And it is to kick some USC trash! Go team.

This, of course, means changing some unproductive although gripping habits. No prob. Will do. Consider it kicked.

i feel like a failure

in so many ways. the great thing about this blog is that no one reads it. because i never post. so i can write whatever i want. my academic life is falling apart. i don't even know if it is what i want. or what i want. and i'm lazy. and i heard some great news today that made me feel absolutely worthless. i mean, what's wrong with me? what don't i have as a student? so depressing.