posting without reason

does it ever happen to you that you want to blog but don't really have anything particular to blog about? or, you do have things to say, but shouldn't be posting those things publicly? this is one of those posts.

so, some randomness to satiate my current need to blog:

it's something of a hobby for me to watch film adaptations of 19C novels. i love 19C lit and i love films and i teach film adaptation classes occasionally. and i have decided that these films are really quite boring. very run of the mill, very uncreative. they all seem to fit into a box with specific dimensions: period-type filming, lots of dialogue, long gazes, lots of shots of English countryside blah blah blah. we just seem to be churning these films out without actually making them into something interesting/intriguing. they don't even bring the story to life.

notable exceptions and/or films that make the box look really good:
Jane Eyre












North and South












Emma Thompson's Sense and Sensibility












Bleak House












Emma (both the Gwyneth Paltrow film and the newest Masterpiece Theatre version)














(I also really liked)
Little Dorritt












Our Mutual Friend












Persuasion (not the new one)












We'll give a shout out to the BBC Pride and Prejudice
less my favorite, but still. mrs. bennet is unbeatable.

all versions of Wuthering Heights that I've seen so far: thumbs down

we really need to break out of these dime-a-dozen adaptations. film deserves better. victorian lit deserves better. we deserve better!



as long as i'm at it, i've also been searching for a decent film version of dracula to share with my students. this, it turns out, is a near-impossible task. here's what i think (don't even pretend you're not dying too know!)

*Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula
keanu reeves ruins it! seriously? also, way too much sexuality. my students would never see dracula as anything else. despite some very beautiful and fascinating filmic moments, thumbs down

*Wes Craven's Dracula 2000
you'd think this might be ok. wes craven is great at horror. it's updated, so that might make for some cool adaptation fodder. i like jonny lee miller. gerard butler is dracula, and he's hot. however, you'd be wrong. it was SO STUPID that i turned it off. NEVER WATCH THIS FILM. watch a blank wall instead. it would be way better. a million thumbs down times infinity.

*Bela Lugosi's Dracula
classic. iconic. interesting adaptation stuff. tres slow, though, unless you get lots of set up. thumbs up, but only because they ought to be. let's get something new and cool!

*Dracula starring Frank Langella
surprisingly well done. langella makes for a very romantic, byronic dracula. thoughtful, interesting, entertaining film. some great adaptation ideas. however, also dated (1979). thumbs up (except for that it's dated for students. still, i really liked it.)

*Masterpiece Theatre's 2007 Dracula
some great setup. introduces interesting twists for the story. however, doesn't quite follow through. meh. still, updated filming and nice film length (90 mins) made it my choice. thumbs up mostly. but also thumbs wiggle waggle.

so, there you go.

thank you

biggest grateful news: i passed my oral comprehensive exam!! this means that i am done with comps and am on to the main event! i feel so happy, so thankful, for the miracle of passing writtens and orals. yay, yay, and another yay for being past that. yay for my committee, yay for my brilliant, supportive, and cool director, yay for the nineteenth century, yay for the eighteenth, yay for their beautiful and amazing literature and yay for their crazy and cool and interesting ideas, yay for novels, yay for poetry, yay for school. YAY!!

yay for:
health. i went on my own little turkey trot this morning on lake murray dam and thought about how lucky i am to be healthy. i really take that for granted.
family
friends
great roomie and living like every day is a slumber party
teaching and students
diet coke
church and the gospel and that i miraculously have it in my life.
pumpkin pie
books and getting lost in them and reading until way too early
movies and movie theaters
beds and bedtime
baths
perfume--i love good smells
fall and everything it stands for--newness and fresh starts, school, changing leaves, crisp air, sweaters and hoodies, school supplies, scarves, Christmas is coming
babies and a new nephew on the way
clean kitchens
chocolate
well put together outfits
vacations and trips
sunshine
weather of all sorts
gum
slippers and blankets
haircuts
bread and toast
milk
board games and card games
nature
mountains
beaches
water and swimming
family--again, because it's my favorite one.

happy day!

Victorians

"Carrion Comfort"

Not, I'll not, carrion comfort, Despair, not feast
on thee;
Not untwist--slack they may be--these last strands
of man
In me or, most weary, cry I can no more. I can;
Can something, hope, wish day come, not choose
not to be.

But ah, but O thou terrible, why wouldst thou
rude on me
Thy wring-world right foot rock? lay a lionlimb
against me? scan
With darksome devouring eyes my bruised bones?
and fan,
O in turns of tempest, me heaped there; me frantic
to avoid thee and flee?

Why? That my chaff might fly; my grain lie, sheer
and clear.
Nay in all that toil, that coil, since (seems) I kissed
the rod,
Hand rather, my heart lo! lapped strength, stole
joy, would laugh, cheer.
Cheer whom though? The hero whose heaven-
handling flung me, foot trod
Me? or me that fought him? O which one? is it
each one? That night, that year
Of now done darkness I wretch lay wrestling with
(my God!) my God.

--Gerard Manley Hopkins.

That's why. Now I remember.

Whiney whiney whinerton.

I hate my life right now. I have to take my oral exam and I'm NOT ready because I stink Stink STINK at studying and focusing and using my time well. And I don't want to study. And I don't want to read poetry. And I don't want to read criticism. And I don't want to read Carlyle. And I don't want to be in my messy room. And I don't want to clean it. And I don't want to take notes or look over my notes or think or grade. Or take my exam.

I just want to sleep and watch movies and tv and maybe go to the gym and take baths and be a whiney baby.

Happy Halloween!

i've always enjoyed halloween. candy. dress up. running around outside in the evening. fall. frosted sugar cookies. all great things. this year brookie and i dressed up for the ysa dance. we decided to be rockstars and had a great time putting together outfits, punking out our hair, and experimenting with makeup (neither of us are experts in that department--but luckily b is a total rockstar and owns the sass department). the evening was a blast, and here it is in pictures:

prepping. check out our sweet hair.


in the car, getting reading to dance like we've never danced before:


at the dance, and our outfits:


check out the hott shoes:


with the peeps at the dance:

our dear friend derek as a surfer--which he, in fact, is.

karelyn g: planner of the dance and stylist extraordinaire:

brooke with papa smurf (david coats) and olive oil (darling jean marie)
being sassy on the dance floor:

us with jeremy, the bomb, as a ref. he also had a great tv screen.
our dear mara:

post dance car pics.

we had a great time!

and were very sassy.


happy halloween! we're considering being rockstars on a regular basis. a definitely solid plan b.

My Ideas

i reread my comps questions with two results: 1) the harsh comments made more sense and i became even more at peace with that. 2) i was really jazzed by two of my answers--to me, the ideas seem really interesting and exciting and potentially relevant to my field. here's the thing, though: no one else seems to think so! well, not true, actually. brooke, my roomie, thinks they're super cool as well (and what else matters, really?). but no profs seem to be excited/interested. *sigh* this is problematic for obvious reasons--they have lots more experience and many more pages of reading under their belts than i do. if they think it's not exciting this means either 1) it isn't or 2) i haven't sufficiently communicated what it is that is exciting to me about these ideas. how, then, do i communicate those ideas, if i haven't yet? i mean, do i write them a paper out of these ideas and hand them over? also, what if i want to publish something or write an article--how do i do that? how do i find the right journal? how does one even write an article? i totally don't know!

oh well--my next step, at any rate, is to study my bum off and prepare for the oral exam. maybe after that i'll face this whole article thing and these ideas that i like.

PASS!

I passed my comprehensive exam! Hurrah! Yippee!! I had a whole weekend of pure bliss. Loved life. Thanks, dearests, for all the support. Truly, it is a miracle.


Now I have my comments! They were brutal and I have plenty to work on--three cheers :)

4 for 4

I did it! I completed (for now) my comprehensive exam. It really felt and feels like a huge step for me. And I know you're all dying for a play-by-play.

Ok, maybe not. So, that's the short story. But just in case anybody wants the long version, this is how it worked:

Over the last year or so I put together my dissertation committee (one director and two readers) and in company with them I compiled reading lists for a primary and a secondary area (for me, 19C British lit and 18C British lit). The lists covered works both from the time periods (so, novels, poetry, essays) as well as scholarship written about it. All-in-all I had probably 300 or so texts. Once every semester the department offers a chance to take the comprehensive exam and I decided to go for it this time around. My committee was then notified and they made up a list of 6-8 essay questions for each area (my director had the final say, though, on what questions went to me). The exam stretched over three days. So, on Wednesday morning I showed up at my department office and the graduate secretary gave those of us taking the exam our list questions for the primary area. I then had five and half hours to choose and answer two of them. By 2:30 sharp I had to turn in my answers to the grad secretary. Thursday was a break. And then Friday I did the same routine for my secondary area. I wrote my answers in our office and my fantastic office mates had put up little signs cheering me on and had put a diet coke for me in the office fridge. And Brooke, my roomie, made me a bag of treats to get me through. I was super, super nervous both days. However, I felt like I had answers for the questions that I chose and that I learned some things as I thought about how to synthesize the stuff I had studied. On Friday it took about five hours to come down off the adrenaline. I couldn't focus for very long on any one thing, my heart was racing, I was jittery. It felt so weird. But, I feel great to be done. I should know by the Oct. 11th if I passed. Three professors (presumably my committee members) will read my answers and I need to get at least 2 passes out of 3 on each of my questions to pass. So, big step. And hopefully I move forward to the dissertation!

Note to Self

Dear Self,

I'd like you to remember these moments leading up to the comprehensive exam. Remember how much you longed to be studying without the pressure of immanent forced performance of synthesized ideas and knowledge. Remember how unpleasant you find it to rush and cram in hopes of reviewing something that might be of immediate service rather than long term usefulness. Remember how much you wish you could be studying these things at your leisure. That you could take your time on ideas and think through and organize your notes and thoughts. Please take advantage of all that leisure time you'll have post exams when leisurely studying will no doubt look less appealing--remember to enjoy that time to read and think and write unmolested by immediate evaluation.

Please.

sincerely,
Self

The Comprehensive Exam

Reality: I should be studying for comps right this second.

Reality: I don't want to.

Reality: I could cry because I'm afraid that I might fail. Legitimately.

Reality: I am even more afraid that I don't have the capacity to study hard and effectively.

Well, you might say, the way to fix that is to actually go study right now.

If only it were that simple.

But it is, you say.

No it isn't.

i've been thinking

[side note of explanation for any possible readers who do not happen to be of my same religious persuasion: I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon) and all women in that church are a part of the largest world-wide woman's organization called the Relief Society. Relief Society is the best and I love it]

the relief society should change its hymn. as sisters in zion (excuse me please for saying it) is such a weak song. the tune stays pretty much within a five note range. it has no surprising or interesting melodic moments, no lovely, moving or unusual harmonies, no rousing chorus.

ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding, ding diiing dading ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.

all quarter notes. no quickening syncopation, not even long holds. it's a sissy song. and we are much stronger, more exciting, more lovely, more moving, more inspiring than that. we are MORE. so, i move to change our relief society hymn. let's take hark all ye nations. i LOVE that one. or brightly beams our father's mercy. great one. or guide us oh thou great Jehovah. one of my very favorites. or how firm a foundation. and brooke suggests each life that touches ours for good. i'm totally supportive! that should not be a funeral hymn. great harmonies.

i'm serious about this.

Cymru part 2

(this was also posted on the parent blog--more review)

I'm thinking I'll post one more after this so that I have a nice round 3 parts.

I originally wrote this post on the day I was leaving the UK. I think I'll just leave it like that:

I'm sitting in Heathrow Airport (for just about the bazillionth hour on what is becoming what feels like a 72 hour day. Friday night, Anders and I were up until 6am taking people to the Cardiff airport and Cardiff train station. And then we were up again at 9 to take the last group. Then we spent the day packing up the houses and getting everything together and storing all the program stuff in this totally creepy attic. That night we went to a movie. And then on Sunday I got up really early to finish up the packing and cleaning. And then Sunday afternoon we traveled to London Heathrow and went downtown and then spent the night in the airport. And now, Monday morning, I'm waitng for my flight. So, my inner clock is totally off--my brain is fried. And I feel great!). Anyhow, I thought I'd share some more pics and stories. I am filled with satisfaction and happiness as I sit here--it was such a great trip.

Excuse the randomness--this time I'm mostly just choosing pics I like.

Cardiff has some great parks. In one of them (Roath Park), there is a lovely lake and row boats, so we went rowing as a program. Zoe and I were lucky enough to be rowed around by Tom--there wasn't space in the other student boats. It was hilarious to watch everybody else try to get the hang of it and we all had a blast.




Pasties are my favorite food in the UK, and here we are eating them as a group in downtown Cardiff. Pasties are a savory pastry, shaped like a crescent. My favorite (the traditional Cornish) has steak and potatoes and onions and carrots. It's delicious and cheap and filling.



Tom had to leave about 2 weeks before the program ended and right before we did our UK tour. Anders, his son, flew in to be the replacement driver. On our second day out, we managed to get parking tickets. Apparently the Conwy Castle parking lot is a van-free zone. Oops. Tom leaves us alone for two seconds and we run amock



Here's the van I drove and my wonderful, brave, patient passengers! We had a great time. I really love these girls and totally appreciate how cheerful and trusting and helpful they all were.



Every summer there's a festival down at Cardiff Bay. There are street performers and farmers markets and delicious cheeses and ice creams and meats etc. etc. We always go down and tour the Assembly Building and watch the crowds. This day I had a delicious sausage sandwich with grilled onions and fantastic cheese. And here I am chilling with Tom, Dannica, and Tom's daughter Zoe.



Great times!

in which i actually go to cymru

and during which i never manage to post on this blog, despite its title. sorry.

also--this is actually posted on my family blog as well. so, family, this is review.

part 1:

background: i went with byu study abroad to wales this summer in order to be their van driver. so, wrong side of the road and the car with a stick shift. and 17 passengers. it went incredibly, miraculously (and i mean that literally) well. there are drivers in this world and then there are drivers. anders taylor and tom taylor, the other drivers, are in the latter category. and i am in the former. i can drive, but i'm not a gifted driver, you know? i still can't believe how quickly i felt comfortalbish on the road. when i first wrote this post, we were on our week long trip through the uk. we had just driven from the southern tip of wales to the northern tip--a totally beautiful drive. also, there were several tight spots, that day and everyday. we really went all over the place. here are some picture highlights of my favorite things on the trip:

these first couple were from our trip through cornwall. we were down there for two days. it is probably my favorite part of the uk and it was also the most intense driving. lots of really really tiny roads and having to do lots of backing down steep hills in order to let cars pass. at the end of the cornwall tour we were behind tom when he had to back up for cars in his van and he mentioned how crazy stressful it was later. we had done it in our van about five times. still, great great trip and we made it!

merlin's cave.



landsend--the western peninsula of cornwall and western most tip of the uk. one of the most beautiful places i have ever, ever been. we walked along the peninsula at sunset. the photo doesn't do it justice--it was painfully beautiful.




the motor boat we drove at st ives. it was SO slow--four horse power engine and i think at least 2 of the horses were out for the count. we were cracking up. st ives has beautiful white sand blue water beaches (also very good looking guys, it turns out, running these boats). i have put a vacation there on my bucket list. for the beaches rather than the boys.



we took the train to london and spent the day there, ending with a show at the globe (tom, zoe and i actually did a double header. henry iv part 1 in the afternoon and henry iv part 2 in the evening). the globe is perhaps the number one top thing to see in london. it was great as usual.



then we didn't quite make the last train back to cardiff so we spent the night (from 11:30pm until 5:30am) in paddington station. it was actually a great adventure. everybody took it like champs and had a great time. i didn't sleep at all until the train ride home.

On Life

A while ago a dear friend posed a question or proffered a thought, the gist of which was (as applied to myself): are my interests the center of my work.

I remember when I decided that I wanted to be a professor of English lit. It was my junior year at BYU and I had built my schedule around professors that I wanted to take (rule to live by #1, by Anna Bennion--I should create a list). So, I was in American Novel with Dr. Cutchins, Renaissance Lit with Dr. Siegfried, and Shakespeare Performance with Prof Young. I had never before loved school the way I did that semester. Those classes made me see literature differently--more largely. And, as a result, I felt like my experience of life/the world/ideas expanded. Something new opened before me. (I wish I could describe what that was--what was it? A new world? A new way of thinking?--I'm not sure, smaller than that, and maybe also larger. Certainly, a new love. Newborn passion. Which is odd, because it isn't as if I didn't love books and reading before that semester. What was this love for,then?--we'll come back this). I loved that semester so much that I was sad and depressed after finals, because I wouldn't be able to attend those classes anymore. And that's when I decided that I wanted to get my PhD.

So, why exactly did I want a PhD? What was it about those classes (and classes after) that awoke my desire to pursue this field? Or, what did that semester--and, really, the accumulation of my semesters as an English Major--awaken? What I'm digging for here is what's in that long parenthetical statement above. What was it that made me want to become a professor?

This calls for a good list:

1. Partly, I think, I wanted to become a professors because I had such great ones. My teachers at BYU have had an enormous impact on who I have become/am becoming and on how I think and how I want to be. What was it about them?

2. I loved being in a classroom. I loved thinking about and talking about literature. I loved being part of a discussion and I loved getting fired up about where the things we were reading would lead us. {soft be it spoken, I'm not sure that this love is all healthy--I fear that I like the validation I feel in a classroom. That I like talking and hearing it. That's an embarrassing realization--don't judge).

3. I loved how these classes opened up literature for me. But what does that even mean? How did it open it up and what did I see? I want to say something like "I saw the world differently" but that sounds so cliche and so general that it feels like it means nothing. Maybe literature helped diversify my experience. Or that literature gave me a unique and particular way to think about ideas. (but what was that way? what was/is particular or unique about it?)

4. I loved how literature opened up life. Or opened up experience. Something new, like I said above, opened up before me. I wish I could articulate that thing better.

5. I wanted to help students have the experience with literature, school, college that I had.

{nothing like a good list}

So, some conclusions I draw:

1. What is this thing that I want to articulate? Why is the study of literature so important to me? What was the new thing that was opened by literature for me?

2. Have I lost sight of that?

Writing

I have a couple of topics I want to post on, but I'm making them wait until after finals. For now, I just want to ask: what makes writing so ridiculously hard? Why is it so difficult to get started? To get in the grove? And why is that grove so tenuous and delicate? *sigh*

I really don't want to finish writing this thing.

i hate grading

yes i do! because it is a load of poo.

that's my new song.

sometimes

it feels like i have an insatiable need for affirmation. what is up with that.

Another List. Or two. And maybe some thoughts.

I've been wanting to blog for a while. My problem is a topic. Everything is so dreadfully centered around me and what I think and feel and worry about. Ugh. I just don't have what it takes right now--be it talent, work ethic, energy, whatever--to write something beyond my preoccupations. Hmm.


But! I did think of some more things for my life-to-do list:

5. Take piano lessons again.

6. Do a triathalon



Also, another list. Things I really like:
1. Sees candy

2. Devouring books. And reading books I can devour. That is not every book, let me tell you.

3. Going to see movies in the theater by myself.

4. Going to see movies in the theater with friends.

5. Holding babies.

6. Chats.

7. Classical music.

8. Pop top-40s type music.

9. Reading in bed at night until I fall asleep.

10. Baths.

11. Film adaptations of 19C novels--well, I don't always like them, but I like watching them.

12. Marathoning TV shows.

13. Painting my toenails.

14. Getting a haircut.

15. Well-written literary criticism.

16. Laughing hard enough so that tears come.

17. Emails.

18. Mail in general.

19. Naps.

20. Boats.

21. Swimming. Water. Being in water.

22. The beach. The ocean.

23. Smoothies.

24. Trying new restaurants.

25. Stories.

26. Juicy, harmless gossip. News is a better word for this--hearing what's going on for people. The latest and greatest. Like, that one of my nephews did so-and-so. I would just say "news" but people might think I mean what we get on TV news stations and the newspaper. And that's not what I would mean.

27. Weather.

28. Film reviews.

29. London.

30. Squash. Particularly butternut and spaghetti.

31. Cooking.

32. Reading cookbooks.

33. A clean kitchen floor.

34. Ice cream. Homemade cookies. Caramels.


Ah, nothing like a nice list. So, just kidding on the thoughts. Maybe I will do thoughts later.

The Secret History of A____ and Emails, an Epistolary Tale

Dear P_______,

Why don't you answer my emails? Perhaps half of my messages go to your spam mail. Or maybe you're just really busy. On the other hand, maybe my questions are obnoxious. Or maybe you think I'm too needy and you ignore my emails in order to send a different sort of message. At any rate, my inbox, empty of your replies, makes me feel like the it's the latter. Perhaps you don't want to tell me that I'm needy, annoying, and not worth your time with your lack of response, but that's the message I've gotten. And I think it's lame.

Sincerely,

A______

The Comprehensive Exam

Ok. So. I'm not ready to take my exams in a week, and I've decided to put it off for a semester. Sad, but also glad. I need to do the leg work to really own my list. And I need to cultivate the focus that that kind of work takes. Turning over a new leaf. Starting again. I'll try not to make this blog my Comprehensive Exam Blog (because that could get tres boring), but, to celebrate my new start, I'm just going to post my trajectory for this week:

Novel: Waverly
Poetry: Barbauld, Blake, Hemans
Criticism: Benedict Anderson's Imagined Communities

Go team!

the time has come

well, it came a long time ago i guess. but now i think i'm getting closer to accepting it. the time has come to take charge of my academic life. i feel like a thrive in a mentor-mentee relationship. i thrive on pushes and encouragement from professors. however, the time has come to realize that i'm going to have to push myself. that i'm going to have to be the motivator, here. (i guess i have an option to actually ask one of my profs to push me--but i don't feel good about that. i think i'm too proud. and maybe this is a problem. maybe i like being upset about this. being the martyr. and if that's the case, i will really hate that i'm being that way. martyrs are not very fun people. so, let's hope that that's not the case. at any rate--it's not comfortable for me to ask a prof to do that). anyhow, i feel alone. and i'm going to keep myself company. and we're going to have a good time. and we're going to kick trash. because that's why one goes to gradschool. it's going to be hard to stop wanting that kind of validation. but that is what must be done. because the time has come.

anyhow, please excuse the fact that is apparently whine-blog! how annoying. please scroll down for happy post that i also posted today. i actually tried to make that post be at the top of my blog, but can't figure out how.

Memories

So, I tend to blog about worries or hangups or issues in my life; I often feel the need to get that stuff out on paper (well, "paper"). That can be quite dreary and boring (also, sneaking suspicion that I worry about people reading just the hangups and issues of my life--not sure I want you all to know how insecure I can be). Also, I don't quite believe in this blog. I'm still not sure what to do with it or do about it. But I also don't quite want to abandon it yet. So, I'm going to copy my very creative friend. She is blogging things she loves. Maybe I'll do that, too. But, for right now, I'm going to blog memories. I love stories. And I love telling stories. So, here's one:

Memory number 1: London.

The Time I Saw Kenneth Branagh

As background to my story, I love Kenneth Branagh.





So, fall 2001. My first study abroad to London. One evening, my friends and I were heading to a movie in Leicester Square. Jamie mentioned that Kenneth Branagh was directing a play called "Play What I Wrote." I said I wanted to go see it, and then we joked about him maybe being in London, and maybe even being at his play, and then we moved on to new subjects. A minute or two later he passed right by me heading in the opposite direction, smoking a cigarette, and talking to some guy. I stopped in the middle of the crowd in shock:

Me: "That was him!"
My friends: "Who?" (obviously they aren't as obsessed w/ KB as I am)
Me: "Kenneth Branagh! He just passed us."
Them: "No he did not, you're lying."
Me: "No way, he's right there."
My friend looks.
Friend: "Holy crap! It is Kenneth Branagh."

We turn around and stealthily stalk him. I wrack my brains for things to say...only stupid things come to mind. He goes into a restaurant. And we go to our movie. I did go see the play later, and it was very funny. The end.

It's Time

In honor of this brand-spanking-new year I feel to start a long-term, sometime-before-I-die, to-do list. So far, it's not very long. I mean, I can't just put anything on the list. It can't be things that kind of sound fun or crazy, but deep down I doubt I will make the effort to actually do. It can't be "yeah, that could be cool" kinds of things. Or just things that I've heard other people put on their corresponding lists. No wishy-washy entries here. It has to be things I passionately want. Things I'm willing to make happen. Serious things. A for real list. So:

1. Live in London (for more than 3 months at a stretch). Living in the UK counts.

2. Spend New Years Eve in Times Square.

3. Get PhD.

4. Write and submit (whatever that is or means) screenplay.

See, I even erased one because I wasn't sure that I really really wanted it. Will continue to add to list as things come up.