Rescue Mission Day 2

The very idea of my dissertation or working on it paralyzes me we fear.

So, didn't get a lot done on that. But! I did start to get a handle on some other things, such as my room. That's good.

I waste a lot of time, though. Got to stop doing that.

Rescue Mission Day 1

Ok, nothing going on the dissertation, but it was a really busy day. Mondays and Wednesdays are my long ones. Tomorrow there will be dissertation work of some kind. Unfortunately, I also did not work out. So, progress...healthier lunch. That was nice. Hmmm. Must make better plans.

Anna B: Rescue Mission

I really need to throw myself a rescue buoy. I've been drowning in a stormy sea of distraction and procrastination and dissertation despair. Other things in my life have been fraying at the seams as well--working out, keeping my room and car clean, reading in my field, etc etc etc. I'll spare myself the excuses because, regardless of these, I've come to a decision. It's time somebody stepped in and gave me a hand. And, more importantly, it's time that somebody became me. I think one of the things I'd like to learn and am destined to learn on this PhD journey is how to make myself do things that are hard for me. Specifically, it's sometimes hard for me to focus. It's hard for me to be my own motivator and cheerleader and encourager. But I really want to be that--I want this dissertation. I want this degree. I want to be focused and the kind of person that has what it takes to master this. I feel like I'm dealing in generalities here--just what I tell my students not to do. So, what I'm trying to say here is this: I feel behind in my field. I feel under-read. I am definitely way behind where I want and ought to be on my dissertation. And I feel almost unable, and certainly unmotivated, to focus and get the job done. And I don't want that. I don't like being a time-waster. I don't like failing at this, and failing because I won't try. So, I'm stepping in, staging and intervention, and extending a hand to me. Anna, you're better than this. You're more than this. You can do this. Indeed, you must and will do this.

And this blog is going to help me. For this week, I make a goal to report to myself the progress I've made. I'll report plans and ideas for getting on top of these aspects of my life.


{perhaps I ought to say that not *everything* in my life has gone down the toilet. i've got so many great things. and i actually feel really happy and i enjoy lots of things in my life. perhaps that is why i'm not so proud of the way i'm failing at this thing--my life has given me too many nice things for it to be ok to waste time and potential in the way that i sometimes do}

the diss

as long as i'm recklessly wasting time online, i thought i might as well write a blog post. and don't worry, i haven't forgotten about my new hobby. i will post movie stuff up here soon,

but tonight, i feel like writing about my dissertation.

here's the deal. i can't seem to get past square one. i've been at square one for FOREVER. FFFORRREEEVVVERRR. forever. square one is getting a topic (meaning, in this case, a legit question) with a research trajectory. unfortunately, i'd apparently been going at it all backwards. i was starting at big grand sweeping conclusions. but my chair says, quite rightly of course, that i actually have to start with information from which i can later draw these sorts of conclusions. sheesh. whatever. SO, i made up some questions with some possible research trajectories and sent them off to my chair. we are struggling a bit to meet about them--hopefully that will happen soon--but in the meantime, i've been researching one of the questions further, and i have to say that it is quite overwhelming. which is a little bit scary and makes me feel like i'll never, ever leave square one and i'll be a failure forever. the end.

a new hobby

leaving off the fake swears for a small moment....

i think i need a new hobby and i think it's going to be film. i've long longed to write film reviews. i'm not sure i totally get the genre, but i'm shooting to write one each week; or, at least write one thing about films each week. i think this will be fun!

a dumb a$$

how quickly my mood and perception of myself and my life can change. how small the cause of those changes. earlier today i was pretty proud of myself. i worked out. i read my derrida. i got rid of the mouse. i cleaned up the roaches. i went grocery shopping. i ate a tasty dinner made out of veggies that i had precut for the purpose and meat that i had cooked and frozen earlier in the week and then thawed today. i was feeling like i was a bada**.

then i went to reading group tonight. i actually had preread the whole essay. i had marked it up and thought at least a little bit about it. and seriously, i was so stupid tonight. such a dumba**. i felt and feel so unintelligent and i felt like the only unintelligent one there. the only one who doesn't have it together. the only one who doesn't at least have a handle on their own field. (you might think i'm exaggerating. or that i really do have a handle on my field. or that everybody feels that way. but on the first two you would be wrong, and on the second, everybody feeling that way has no effect on the fact that i do). i couldn't believe how stupid i was. and, of course, it had to be in front of my dissertation chair. well done.

why am i even doing this? how will i ever have a project of any merit? or even a project at all? why won't i focus? why won't i absorb and retain and organize information? i don't like who i've become as a phd student.

anyhow, whatever. forward.

a bad a$$

firstly, i'm a scaredy-pants. i'm scared of all bugs, spiders, reptiles and amphibians. also, most rodents. since i've moved into this house i've dealt with:

*fleas
*wolf spider
*20+ huge-a cockroaches

and today i:
*removed a dead mouse from the pool
*removed a frog from the pool

and i have yet to:
*get rid of the hornet's nest in the pool shed.

i'm pretty sure that makes me a bad a$$.

a good girl

i'd just like to pat myself on the back. i want to tell somebody about how good i have been today and my blog seems like a good entity. today i:

got up admirably early
took the trash out and the big bin to the curb (while braving the bug infested yard)
cleaned out the fridge and cupboards
took that big bag out to the trash
made a grocery list
went grocery shopping
came home and put all those groceries away
put a load of towels in the washer

good girl! i'm very proud of you. thanks! me too.

dissertation, continued

the problem i'm having here is that i don't quite know where to start. i've been out of the saddle for a little bit too long, so i feel like i don't remember anything that i've done. i guess i could write through some of the ideas i've been having. get them down on paper. maybe send them over to tony--investigate what i've got.

maybe i should make a goal to do one writing thing and one reading thing each day. i know that doesn't sound like much, but for this girl, it's pushing it!

i don't want to be premature, here...

but i think i'm back in the saddle on research and dissertation! yay! i took a naughty naughty bad break for a while. but, i'm back. details forthcoming.

a new list

i'm sitting here waiting for my laundry to dry, which is SUPER boring and taking SUPER forever, so i thought i'd write a new blog post. also, i need to cover up the previous self pity post. SO! new post! new post new post, move down, move down, new post new post, move down.

i'm also watching 24 on my instant netflix. i've got a little crush on jack bauer. can't help myself.

things i want:
new running shoes
one of those shoe organizers that you hang on the door
workout clothes
new swimsuit
church bag
beach bag
more time at the beach
pedicure
groceries, without having to go get groceries
summer tee shirts
summer heels
flats
church clothes
new unmentionables
dissertation
world peace
sees candy


also, my haircut lately looks like a hobbit haircut. good thing hobbits are the best.

basketcase

last week i moved into the place i'm house sitting for the summer. it's a beautiful old house in forest acres for a professor that i truly love and admire, who is on leave currently on a fulbright in germany. unfortunately, several things have gone wrong. in the first couple of days i probably saw 10 cockroaches (palmetto bugs, so they say). i saw a wolf spider. there was a gas leak seeping into the master bedroom. there's a big and active hornets nest in the swimming pool shed. but, worst of all: there have been fleas. i'm currently in battle. hopefully i've conquered. however, it has undone me in ways that, well, undo me. i have become a totally paranoid freak. i can't find comfort or consolation inside of me. i will spare you the details, because sharing them would be too ridiculous for too many reasons. i wish i could be funny about it. it would probably be better for me to make this a funny post. oh well.

anyhow, i was driving back from campus to home sweet home and i thought of a book i really love: the hiding place. it is an autobiographical account two sisters' experience during world war ii in prison camps. they have a flea problem. i recommend the book if you haven't read it. or even if you have. i won't post it here because i can't stand the idea of being melodramatic enough to even think of comparing my situation to theirs.

but, like with any trial, i wish i knew what i was learning. i feel so lonely.

anyhow, whatever! this will pass! and i will feel like an idiot for being so shaken by it. can we fast forward to that moment? to the moment that i feel like an idiot? because that would be great.

beef

do you want to know what is the biggest scam ever? that laurie and jo don't end up together in little women and then laurie marries the brat amy!! talk about insult upon injury! total double whammie. sigh. i will never forgive l.m. alcott for that. it's wrong.



i realize that scam is perhaps not the best word for what i mean. except for that it is because it sounds so...grrrr, you know? scam!

decisions, decisions

Ok, so I'm trying to figure out what I should do for the summer. I'm hoping to work for the Institute of Reading, which is a corporation that offers literacy classes to all age groups over the summer. Teachers for the Institute travel all over their geographical area, teaching 4 or 5 out of 7 days of the week and days off are not necessarily consecutive. Also, my roomie and I are moving all of our stuff into storage of the summer, so we will be signing a new lease in the fall and will have to go through all the paper work and things that go with it.

Now, the question is, do I work in UT or SC?

pros for SC
*close contact with my dissertation chair
*the job ends before school starts
*I'm on location for moving into an apartment and signing and paying and all that jazz
*the beach
*grad friends

cons for SC
*definitely working at least some (possibly all) Sundays
*non-existent dating life


pros for UT
*family
*UT friends
*on location for NASSR conference
*possibility of dating

cons for UT
*ends after school starts--will probably miss the first day of the semester here in SC
*distance from diss chair
*not on location for move in thus:
*will make grueling three day drive and then have to immediately scramble into an apartment and start teaching etc. etc. etc.


side notes: sounds like Institute for Reading really eats up time, so I will not have tons of it for dating or dissertation. But it is really good money.

the serious things of life

So, here's the real question: who is my favorite Jane Austen hero?

I've thought about this quite a bit and the answer changes from time to time and it also depends on whether we're talking about the books or the films. And any way you slice it, it's a tough choice. However, I feel fairly confident that in the films, my favorite is this man:

Jeremy Northam's Mr. Knightley is the very best.


And honorable mention goes to:


Hugh Grant's Edward Ferrars has long been a favorite. I love his portrayal of the character.


And I don't care what anybody says, I've got a little crush on Alan Rickman's Colonel Brandon.


And I think these men are hot. However, that's not really the point here.





And of course I love Colin Firth. But again, not the question here.

the next one will be positive, promise!

do you ever want to quit your life? you look at the things you are doing, or should be doing and are avoiding, and think--why?? or--i don't even like this. do you ever lose every scrap of will power and motivation to do anything except lay on the ground and stare off into space with a vacant and uninterested mind? do you ever get to the point where nothing--not even fun things, like tv or going out to eat or shopping or watching a movie--is appealing?

some thoughts on progress; or, it's never too late.

So, two experiences that seem related from which I gleaned a useful lesson.

1. I came across some journal entries the other day from about 5 years ago--at the time, I was part way through my master's program, which made for an interesting contrast to now being part way through my PhD. It was fun to read about how I felt and to remember details that I haven't thought about in a while. I talked about weaknesses I had that I wanted to conquer. I was making goals (and failing and making more goals) to be better. It was a little bit depressing to realize that I am still making goals to overcome those particular issues and that I haven't made a lot of progress on those things in the last five years.

2. I've been a bit troubled lately and was having a really tough time articulating to myself what exactly was making me feel unsettled. Even in prayer I felt at a loss in expressing how I felt and why I felt that way. And anything I did manage to articulate was as troubling and frustrating as the trouble itself. I didn't know how I was going to find articulation, much less how I was going to deal with whatever it was that was bothering me. Several days/weeks into this vague bother my mom called me and we ended up talking through and exploring how I felt and I ended up finding peace and resolution and resolve to do good things. As I think about this, I really feel (and felt) that the Lord was answering my unarticulated longings and the cries of my heart. I felt/feel like God heard my unsaid prayer and sent me answers and help.

And that experience helped me to feel and see that it's never too late to be better and do better. Just as the Lord sent me answers to that unsaid worry, He will send me help and answers in this aspect of my life, too. And even though I'm still struggling with the same things I struggled with five years ago, and even though I had hoped to be strong today in the places where I was weak, and even though I could have done more then to be strong in those areas now, that doesn't mean game over. I can start again. I feel like I was being taught that God helps us, me, even when I'm a slacker and even when I'm late. Because with God it's never too late.

To Do

*clean my room
*finish and put away laundry
*clean car
*take car in for tune up
*change oil
*log in my hours on itams
*post stuff on blackboard for my students
*read 2 chapters out of Ahern's Affected Sensibilities
*write serious response to Ahern's chapters
*think through decay topic
*hunt down decay books in library, see if anything is there
*articulate the sensibility/austen topic
*read scriptures
*think through goals
*pay bills

ah, i feel better. nothing like a good list.

monster/villain/freak

warning: this post is an over-share. and that is just that. don't even try to stop me.

i realized tonight as i was wakeful in bed that i have a monster inside of me. a monster that is an insatiable and overwhelming and maybe incapacitating need for validation. a roaring, snarling, drooling, green, spikey, monster. even my validation monster wants to be validated. super ridiculous and disgusting. exhibit a: this post. exhibit b: maybe this blog.

to spare the details, this is generally what i feel:

that in one of my very main capacities in life, nobody cares, nobody recognizes, nobody realizes. and the kind of person that does get care, recognition, realization is the kind of person that i am not. and i don't want to change into that kind of person.

maybe (perhaps probably) i don't want to change because becoming that person would mean that others were right and i am wrong. and i get it, that's a pride problem. and maybe, says a tiny voice, this lacking of c.r.r. marks that i am wrong. that there is some sort of problem in me. or lack of capacity. and maybe, says a louder voice, it's lack of desert, you slacker!

the ugly, frightening truth.

i guess i had better just be my own validator. flatter myself more often. contemplate my own greatness. throw my monster some tasty treats. great solution.

this post made me feel better. because recognition is the first step, right? and knowing is half the battle? and transformers are more than meets the eye?

dresses

ok, this post is almost embarrassing, or maybe should be embarrassing, but i've decided that it's totally not.

so, in the last few years i've started leaning towards not having a big wedding if/when that happens for me (let's just admit right now that i have no reason to be thinking about a wedding. not even remotely. but since when does a girl need a reason?). i think this stems from a couple of things: 1) if/when i do get married, he and i will both likely be quite independent and will be starting our life together with more stuff than younger newly-weds. 2) if/when i do get married, i will likely be 30+ years old. friends and family are more spread out, and are becoming more so as the years pass and as i live in different places. my parents will probably not still live in the town and house where i grew up. thus, the people i would want with me, or that my parents would want with them, will/are no longer located in one convenient location.

anyhow, lately i've been leaning towards other options. maybe i'll do a destination wedding to wherever my parents are on their mission. and instead of a huge reception, i can have people come and then a really fantastic honeymoon. and then my husband and i can throw a big party at our house for our friends once we get settled in. so, this all leads to the idea that i probably wouldn't get a big dress. why have the big dress without the big party? we could get married in hawaii, maybe, and then have a luncheon on the beach and i could buy a really great sundress for a fraction of the price of a huge wedding dress. also, i think a small part of me was laboring under the delusion that it's more difficult to find a beautiful dress with sleeves.

the other day, though, i googled wedding dresses with sleeves and maybe i've changed my mind. maybe i will want a great dress after all:










i think these dresses, or aspects of them, are beautiful and what i picture wanting i ever do get one. also, a fancy dress is quite nice for wedding pictures. it sets that day aside as really special and significant. i may have to rethink my latest wedding plans. or maybe ignore wedding ideas altogether until i actually become engaged. or have a boyfriend. or go on a date. ;)

gorgeous, though, eh??