01 November 2011

Anna B: Rescue Mission

I really need to throw myself a rescue buoy. I've been drowning in a stormy sea of distraction and procrastination and dissertation despair. Other things in my life have been fraying at the seams as well--working out, keeping my room and car clean, reading in my field, etc etc etc. I'll spare myself the excuses because, regardless of these, I've come to a decision. It's time somebody stepped in and gave me a hand. And, more importantly, it's time that somebody became me. I think one of the things I'd like to learn and am destined to learn on this PhD journey is how to make myself do things that are hard for me. Specifically, it's sometimes hard for me to focus. It's hard for me to be my own motivator and cheerleader and encourager. But I really want to be that--I want this dissertation. I want this degree. I want to be focused and the kind of person that has what it takes to master this. I feel like I'm dealing in generalities here--just what I tell my students not to do. So, what I'm trying to say here is this: I feel behind in my field. I feel under-read. I am definitely way behind where I want and ought to be on my dissertation. And I feel almost unable, and certainly unmotivated, to focus and get the job done. And I don't want that. I don't like being a time-waster. I don't like failing at this, and failing because I won't try. So, I'm stepping in, staging and intervention, and extending a hand to me. Anna, you're better than this. You're more than this. You can do this. Indeed, you must and will do this.

And this blog is going to help me. For this week, I make a goal to report to myself the progress I've made. I'll report plans and ideas for getting on top of these aspects of my life.

{perhaps I ought to say that not *everything* in my life has gone down the toilet. i've got so many great things. and i actually feel really happy and i enjoy lots of things in my life. perhaps that is why i'm not so proud of the way i'm failing at this thing--my life has given me too many nice things for it to be ok to waste time and potential in the way that i sometimes do}


Jean Bean said...

Go Anna!!!!!! You CAN do this, you ARE remarkable and capable. Here is a tight strong hug from me to you. I sure love love love you, darling girl. Behind you all the way.

brooke said...

you go girl. dig the picture, too. nice choice.

listen...i know i'm a world (or at least half of a world) away, but i'm here for you. also, don't get too down on yourself. you're more amazing than you realize.

love your face.

Tammy said...

Anna--know the feeling. You will find your way, friend. Oh, and thought I would add that I am about to go out to dinner with my ex-husband to talk about his recent engagement to a girl I know nothing about and who will soon be my most precious person's step mom. I'm actually not as bitter as that sounded, but I wanted to make you feel better ;) Ah mortality and all the stuff that gets in the way of what we are trying to get done here, eh? Anyway...glad to get a breath of Anna on my way out the door. Love you. Miss you.