how quickly my mood and perception of myself and my life can change. how small the cause of those changes. earlier today i was pretty proud of myself. i worked out. i read my derrida. i got rid of the mouse. i cleaned up the roaches. i went grocery shopping. i ate a tasty dinner made out of veggies that i had precut for the purpose and meat that i had cooked and frozen earlier in the week and then thawed today. i was feeling like i was a bada**.
then i went to reading group tonight. i actually had preread the whole essay. i had marked it up and thought at least a little bit about it. and seriously, i was so stupid tonight. such a dumba**. i felt and feel so unintelligent and i felt like the only unintelligent one there. the only one who doesn't have it together. the only one who doesn't at least have a handle on their own field. (you might think i'm exaggerating. or that i really do have a handle on my field. or that everybody feels that way. but on the first two you would be wrong, and on the second, everybody feeling that way has no effect on the fact that i do). i couldn't believe how stupid i was. and, of course, it had to be in front of my dissertation chair. well done.
why am i even doing this? how will i ever have a project of any merit? or even a project at all? why won't i focus? why won't i absorb and retain and organize information? i don't like who i've become as a phd student.
anyhow, whatever. forward.
6 comments:
This is what I always tell myself in situations like these: "If I'm not the person who can handle this when I start, I sure am going to be when I finish!" Good luck! I'm looking forward to the "Smart A$$" post I hope comes soon! :)
for what it's worth...i think you're brilliant. and, i bet you feel more dumb than you actually sounded.
also. my favorite beth quote, which you've heard a million times: everybody's faking it. keep on faking it, girl. you'll get there.
I totally agree with the previous two comments. If your a dumb A$$ then there truly is absolutely no hope for me, at all! I totally second guess most ( ok ok ok...all things I do!) but as Mitch tells me, I'm my worst critic. I'll pass that nugget on to you. Eventually you'll start to realize (I'm getting there) that when people tell you your awesome or great at something, there not blowing smoke up you butt, they sincerely mean it. AND I sincerely mean this, YOU ROCK! I always loved our chats at Kathryn's and at church. You have a lot of wisdom up there, chicka! The other PhD students should be scurred, not you :)
I know you said knowing that other people feel this way doesn't matter. But.
I felt/feel this way all the time. I still go over bad discussions/conversations from the MA days in my head.
"There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing."
You are tended as closely by God as a gardener his tender plant. I love you and cherish you (just as you are) and I know God does too.
Reminds me of how I almost dropped out of the M.A program after hyperventilating, literally, because I realized I was the only one who hadn't read the classics.
BUT, I know how it feels to feel this way and to not feel better because people around you say it's insane or whatnot. In the end though, you are one of the most amazing people I know and it will work out...whatever it is. Just be you--do your best, and let the chips fall my friend. The things that seem to matter so much right now will be dried leaves under your feet when you figure out which way you want to run. And lastly, the smartest people I know sound remarkably dumb...many a time. I think it's bcs they are thinking too hard and the rest of us all are just skimming by. Too long a post, sorry.
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