bloggy thoughts

{warning, i am in a mood}

1. the phd is a lonely road. i'm trying hard to not make it lonely and am failing miserably. which stinks on several levels--for one, i'm failing, and for two, it's lonely. i'm frustrated with my frustrated attempts. why does nobody else seem to crave academic companionship? why does nobody else seem to think that collegial groups that focus on scholarship a good idea? also, this is just more proof that i'm WAY too driven by and dependent on praise and connection/encouragement from peers and professors. i rely on motivation and affirmation(reaffirmation) from those channels to a ridiculous degree. if i don't have my little affirmation fix on a (really) regular basis (beyond regular, in fact. constant, more like) i get into a depressed funk and have trouble working. but then, i'm so excited by any affirmation that i have trouble working anyway.

2. speaking of dependency--the navel gazing of blogging is also quite habit forming. it's like a pensieve. i put my thoughts here and then they stop pestering my brain. i stop mulling over them and can move on to different thoughts on which to mull. it starts to feel like i can't move on to other thoughts (like, say, thoughts about whatever i'm reading) until i blog them. which makes me suspect i'm perhaps more interested in me than is perfectly healthy.

3. what if i just can't focus enough to read for my comps? and what if my reading is worthless because i suck at reading--my note taking methods are crap, i pick up on and pay attention to all the wrong things in a text? perhaps, my slacker habits and my procrastination are finally catching up with me in a bad way. maybe i've done some irreparable damage. at what point do i know it's irreparable? what constitutes irreparable? i know, i know. it's a choice. just sit down and read. but constant stress about taking notes and understanding arguments *or else* makes that easier to type than to actually do.

not really looking for solutions. just a place to vent.

on my crap list

i REALLY started today on the wrong foot. monday has been of the darkside all day and has refused to switch over to the light--despite the fact that all of my classes were great today. i am still in crap mood. it all started with a cockroach in our cereal cabinet late last night. and then insomnia. and then an early morning. and no decent food in the house. and a messy desk. and being unprepared. growl.

SO:

1. cockroches. i hate them. with a burning passion of red burning fire.

2. what is the deal with USC and leaf blowing?? leave the leaves where they are and maybe try hiring people to clean the buildings. because they're DISGUSTING.

3. being behind.

4. my cluttered desk.

... i could go on. but i sense that i should stop.

a secret history

{query: why do i always want to blog way more when i'm in the middle of homework than when i'm done?}

once upon a time there was a young girl. she went to school all the dang time. and she had nothing to say about anything. and could not make coherent sentences. it was ridiculous. so she decided to drop out because life sucks like that sometimes. she bought a guitar and started a rock band. except not. so she had to figure something else out. like maybe sell her less-vital internal organs and write screenplays on the side. the end.