I may not have a lot of experience with full-blown romantic relationships, but I do have a little bit with unrequited crushes. I think that each of us get to try out both sides of that tuna sandwich--the crush-er and the more or less unresponsive crush-ee. Neither side is tons of fun, though I imagine many would-be relationships are crossed by this problem. Person A likes Person B, who is unfortunately interested in Person C. And Person J is actually interested in Person A and wishes Person B would just get on with it and get a girl/boyfriend. Or that Person A would, because that might help quell the crush.
Crushes can be so fun, though! They are exciting, and they lend some spice to life--normal, everyday experiences, like institute, or class, now hold untold and possibily infinite potential. Anything might happen with the object of desire! In fact, with all this fb and texting technology, all day can be made up of moments of delicious anticipation. However, unrequited long enough, this kind of crush can get, well, a little crushing.
Mostly in life, I am led by my desires. For one, I grew up feeling like I could do anything I wanted--I could be anything, accomplish anything, attain anything if I wanted it bad enough to pursue it. For two, I feel like God often directs my life by helping me want the right things; I think God often communicates with me through what I desire.
I might have/ might have had a pretty strong crush in my life. And it is the weirdest feeling to want something so badly and for it not to be attainable. For it not to be the right thing.
It's a lot like flying for me. I have always, always wanted so badly to be able to fly. Not as a pilot. Not in an airplane. But on my own power--like a bird, or superman, or a mutant x men. Like this guy:
When I watched Mary Poppins as a little girl, I really wanted laughter to for real result in floating up to the ceiling, bobbing merrily about and doing airborne somersaults--it was so appealing to me that I thought it must somehow be possible.
And that is still how I feel. I want to be able to fly so much that it is hard to imagine that it really can't be done. I will never just sprout wings and soar like a bird. I will never pump my arms and suddenly discover that I can defy gravity like in my best dreams. I know that. But my heart wants it so intensely that it can't quite believe and comprehend that fact. The heart wants, as they say, what the heart wants.
This crush I'm talking about feels exactly like that. I know it will never happen, truly. But I want it so that my mind has a tough time believing reality.
1 comment:
I really like reading your thoughts. I believe that there is likely a man out there who is thinking the same thing - that, for all the effort he puts into it, dating is yielding no fruit! Then, one day, you'll bump into each other at Institute, or the produce aisle, or on a walk, in an online profile, or at a party. And then the impossible will gleam with possibility once more. I love you, Anna. So much.
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