a new hobby

leaving off the fake swears for a small moment....

i think i need a new hobby and i think it's going to be film. i've long longed to write film reviews. i'm not sure i totally get the genre, but i'm shooting to write one each week; or, at least write one thing about films each week. i think this will be fun!

a dumb a$$

how quickly my mood and perception of myself and my life can change. how small the cause of those changes. earlier today i was pretty proud of myself. i worked out. i read my derrida. i got rid of the mouse. i cleaned up the roaches. i went grocery shopping. i ate a tasty dinner made out of veggies that i had precut for the purpose and meat that i had cooked and frozen earlier in the week and then thawed today. i was feeling like i was a bada**.

then i went to reading group tonight. i actually had preread the whole essay. i had marked it up and thought at least a little bit about it. and seriously, i was so stupid tonight. such a dumba**. i felt and feel so unintelligent and i felt like the only unintelligent one there. the only one who doesn't have it together. the only one who doesn't at least have a handle on their own field. (you might think i'm exaggerating. or that i really do have a handle on my field. or that everybody feels that way. but on the first two you would be wrong, and on the second, everybody feeling that way has no effect on the fact that i do). i couldn't believe how stupid i was. and, of course, it had to be in front of my dissertation chair. well done.

why am i even doing this? how will i ever have a project of any merit? or even a project at all? why won't i focus? why won't i absorb and retain and organize information? i don't like who i've become as a phd student.

anyhow, whatever. forward.

a bad a$$

firstly, i'm a scaredy-pants. i'm scared of all bugs, spiders, reptiles and amphibians. also, most rodents. since i've moved into this house i've dealt with:

*fleas
*wolf spider
*20+ huge-a cockroaches

and today i:
*removed a dead mouse from the pool
*removed a frog from the pool

and i have yet to:
*get rid of the hornet's nest in the pool shed.

i'm pretty sure that makes me a bad a$$.

a good girl

i'd just like to pat myself on the back. i want to tell somebody about how good i have been today and my blog seems like a good entity. today i:

got up admirably early
took the trash out and the big bin to the curb (while braving the bug infested yard)
cleaned out the fridge and cupboards
took that big bag out to the trash
made a grocery list
went grocery shopping
came home and put all those groceries away
put a load of towels in the washer

good girl! i'm very proud of you. thanks! me too.