*clean my room
*finish and put away laundry
*clean car
*take car in for tune up
*change oil
*log in my hours on itams
*post stuff on blackboard for my students
*read 2 chapters out of Ahern's Affected Sensibilities
*write serious response to Ahern's chapters
*think through decay topic
*hunt down decay books in library, see if anything is there
*articulate the sensibility/austen topic
*read scriptures
*think through goals
*pay bills
ah, i feel better. nothing like a good list.
24 February 2011
08 February 2011
monster/villain/freak
warning: this post is an over-share. and that is just that. don't even try to stop me.
i realized tonight as i was wakeful in bed that i have a monster inside of me. a monster that is an insatiable and overwhelming and maybe incapacitating need for validation. a roaring, snarling, drooling, green, spikey, monster. even my validation monster wants to be validated. super ridiculous and disgusting. exhibit a: this post. exhibit b: maybe this blog.
to spare the details, this is generally what i feel:
that in one of my very main capacities in life, nobody cares, nobody recognizes, nobody realizes. and the kind of person that does get care, recognition, realization is the kind of person that i am not. and i don't want to change into that kind of person.
maybe (perhaps probably) i don't want to change because becoming that person would mean that others were right and i am wrong. and i get it, that's a pride problem. and maybe, says a tiny voice, this lacking of c.r.r. marks that i am wrong. that there is some sort of problem in me. or lack of capacity. and maybe, says a louder voice, it's lack of desert, you slacker!
the ugly, frightening truth.
i guess i had better just be my own validator. flatter myself more often. contemplate my own greatness. throw my monster some tasty treats. great solution.
this post made me feel better. because recognition is the first step, right? and knowing is half the battle? and transformers are more than meets the eye?
i realized tonight as i was wakeful in bed that i have a monster inside of me. a monster that is an insatiable and overwhelming and maybe incapacitating need for validation. a roaring, snarling, drooling, green, spikey, monster. even my validation monster wants to be validated. super ridiculous and disgusting. exhibit a: this post. exhibit b: maybe this blog.
to spare the details, this is generally what i feel:
that in one of my very main capacities in life, nobody cares, nobody recognizes, nobody realizes. and the kind of person that does get care, recognition, realization is the kind of person that i am not. and i don't want to change into that kind of person.
maybe (perhaps probably) i don't want to change because becoming that person would mean that others were right and i am wrong. and i get it, that's a pride problem. and maybe, says a tiny voice, this lacking of c.r.r. marks that i am wrong. that there is some sort of problem in me. or lack of capacity. and maybe, says a louder voice, it's lack of desert, you slacker!
the ugly, frightening truth.
i guess i had better just be my own validator. flatter myself more often. contemplate my own greatness. throw my monster some tasty treats. great solution.
this post made me feel better. because recognition is the first step, right? and knowing is half the battle? and transformers are more than meets the eye?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)