??

I'm having the tiniest little pity party over here right now and I feel like blogging (which, for me, is a sort of pretend talking things out--this blog is kind of like a sounding board/confidante  i'm not convinced this is a good or healthy thing--my confidante isn't even a person??  isn't this what happens in wall-e?--but in this particular mood i just can't bring myself to care about or think about those implications too much.  i suppose i could just talk about these things to myself out loud, but writing is sort of cathartic.  also, now that i live alone, i am far too prone to talk to myself--today i complimented myself on dinner and then thanked myself for the compliment.  somebody's got to do it and it may as well be me.)  Anyhow, as I was saying, pity party, wanting to blog, blah blah blah, but I'm not sure exactly what I want to blog about (excuse the preposition). 

so, some random things:

1.  I wish I had made my chair more proud of me.  I wish I were more worth being proud of, academically.  My bad!

2.  I'm freaking out about how much I can't do this dissertation.

3.  As much as I'm freaking out, I DON'T want to do it.  I am not in the mood. 

4.  I don't know how to do this--when did I lose that knowledge/ability?

Oh, this isn't making me feel better.

{this won't either, but I've got to get it out: i am a super unproductive reader, which paralyzes me in my reading, and then i'm not ready to write because my reading is so unproductive, so i'm a HUGE rut and i don't know how to get out!!--wow, that was surprisingly hard to write.  my rut is so deep that i don't even want to face the rut itself.  yikes.}

...


Ok!  Operation feel better.  Hmm.

Let's talk about happy things.

10 good things I did today:
1.  I worked out.  Yay!
2.  I got my bike fixed and rode it.  Yay!
3.  I picked up eye glasses for a guy in my branch.  Yay!
4.  I cleaned my washer and started my laundry.  Yay!
5.  I met with President Kubik about my calling.  Yay!
6.  I made a tasty dinner.  Yay!
7.  I bought straws.  Yay!
8.  I cracked a library book.  Yay!
9.  I ate relatively healthfully.  Yay!
10.  I resisted going over my new tv watching limit.  Yay!

Yay for happy things. 

yummiest. sugar cookies. ever.

So, I may have shared this recipe before (tho I just searched my blog for a minute and didn't find it). It's so great, however, that it's worth another post.

It all started one Sunday in South Carolina. I was dying dying for some baked goods. I crawled to the cupboards. They were practically empty, real mother hubbard stuff. So I dragged myself to the internet to find a cookie recipe that required very few and very basic ingredients.

That is when I found it. The best sugar cookie recipe I've ever tried. AND it's the easiest, least fussy, least steps recipe ever. When do those things come together?? Right here.

Sugar cookies:
2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup butter, softened (MUST be soft)
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract (or almond)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). In a small bowl, stir together flour, baking soda, and baking powder. Set aside.

In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in egg and vanilla. Gradually blend in the dry ingredients. Roll rounded teaspoonfuls of dough into balls, and place onto ungreased cookie sheets.

Bake 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until golden. Let stand on cookie sheet two minutes before removing to cool on wire racks.

I then frost them with a basic buttercream.

1 stick softened butter
1 lb powdered sugar
1 dash salt
1 or 2 dashes vanilla
about 1/4 cup milk

Mix butter and powdered sugar. Mix in salt and vanilla. Mix in milk a little at a time until desired consistency.

**optionally, add food coloring (this will thin the icing a bit, though, so be aware as you add the milk), or lemon or orange zest.

EAT ME!

melancholy

Philosophically, melancholy sometimes refers to suffering a loss with an inability or unwillingness to let go of that loss and the sadness that accompanies not letting go.

I feel that I have somehow messed up on an important relationship. When I entered my PhD, I looked forward to working on a dissertation. I imagined finding a mentor like the professors I had during my master's: friendly and professional; somebody interested in or invested in me as a scholar; somebody who would be honest with me; somebody who believes in my abilities; somebody who has my back and is a teammate; somebody I would talk to and rely on in the future during the rest of my career. I have a hard time articulating this relationship--I'm not sure what I've said so far captures it. At any rate, I messed up this time. I keep hoping that somehow things will click and I will be able to fix it and it will happen. I've even seen glimpses of it, I think. But it hasn't happened. I'm not sure what did wrong--maybe I'm not cool enough. Maybe I'm not proactive enough. Certainly I have not been the most impressive. I didn't speak up in class as much as I sometimes do.

Now, honestly, I have a great mentor. I know that he will be honest with me. I know that he will do right by my dissertation. He is truly brilliant, yet unassuming. He's funny, and a great teacher. But the relationship has never really come, and I can't seem to let go of wanting it. I can't seem to stop being sad and disappointed and confused about why I didn't make this happen. I should let it go--he is great professor and I'm lucky to be working with him and this dissertation will all work out and he will be there for me as I do it (if I go to him). Maybe it is all in my head (but it's not!). Maybe I have unrealistic expectations (maybe I do). I watch this relationship click between this prof and others and it hurts. Why couldn't I do it? Why didn't that work for me?

I can't seem to let it go.

taco soup

aaand here's another recipe!

this is adapted from a recipe my college roommate, megan pratt, made. it's E.A.S.Y. and very tasty.

1 can corn (drained)
1 can refried beans (I use nonfat)
1 can black beans (partially drained)
1 can kidney beans (partially drained)
1 can diced tomatoes (I use rotel for extra kick)
1 jar salsa
1 packet taco seasoning
shredded or chopped cooked chicken
1 box cream cheese (this time i used a super light variety because there was no fat free at the store, but usually i use fat free)

mix all except cream cheese in large pot until hot. cut up cream cheese. mix portions of cream cheese with portions of hot soup in a smaller bowl until the cheese is melted and add back to the soup pot. continue doing this until all the cream cheese is melted.

eat it! delicious served with chips in the bottom of the bowl, with shredded cheese on top (I use a lowfat sharp cheddar), and/or topped with chopped avocado. i've heard the leftovers are great over rice. freezes just fine!

chicken enchilada casserole

i made something healthy and tasty! it's adapted from a favorite recipe book of mine--low on the go.

18 corn tortillas, torn into pieces
3 cups cooked chicken
2 cans low fat cream of chicken soup
1 cup non fat sour cream
1 1/2 cup chicken broth
2 cans green chilies (4oz each)
1 T. dried onion
1 1/2 cup grated non fat cheese (i don't believe in non-fat cheese, so i use a sharp 2% milk cheddar)

Make a mixture of soup, sour cream, broth, chilies and onion.

In a 13x9 pan layer 1/3 of the tortillas, then 1/3 of the chicken, and then 1/3 of the sauce. Contiune with layers and top with grated cheese. (the chicken layer will be scattered and the sauce layer is kind of drizzled on--it won't fill all the gaps and holes--this is fine, it turns out).

Bake at 350 covered for 20 minutes and 10 uncovered. When I did it, my casserole needed an extra 10 minutes covered.

Serves 8

Made with the recipe ingredients (so, nonfat cheese) it has 5 grams fat and 344 calories per serving.

I added avocado, because I love avocado. It was tasty. I also stabbed my hand getting the pit out of the avocado--not so smart. Watch yourselves.
















hot out of the oven
















I may need a little bit of practice on my presentation and plating...




















no stabbing your hand!

you are in the pit of despair

don't even think about trying to escape.

love that movie.

so, i'm stuck. stuck in supreme inefficiency. stuck in shamefully wasting time. stuck in an inability to go forward. stuck in not knowing how. stuck in hefty indifference and lack of motivation.

i try to get out and i spend hours reading only to get nowhere and remember nothing.

people ask how i'm doing. it's lie or unload. lie or admit the truth. so i lie.

the walls are far too thick.

dissertation

{surprise!}

I'm currently looking in Peter Garside's bibliography for novels about sympathy in the 1790s. Here is one of the gems I discovered:

By Anon.
Title:
THE PERJURED LOVER, OR THE HISTORY OF THOMAS BEAUMONT, AN OXFORD STUDENT, AND MISS LUCIA BANNISTER, SHEWING HOW AFTER THE DEATH OF HER FATHER SH=E WAS UNDER THE GUARDIAN SHIP OF MR. SLYMAN, WHO WISHING TO GET HER FORTUNE, (WHICH WAS FIVE THOUSAND POUNDS) INTO HIS POSSESSION, COURTED AND MARRIED HER MOTHER, AND IN A SHORT TIME, BY CRUEL USAGE, BROKE HER HEART. MISS LUCIA BECOMES ACQUAINTED WITH MR. FRIENDLY, HAS MANY SUITORS, BUT NONE OF THEM SUCCEED IN HER GOOD GRACES, AS HER FORTUNE SEEMS TO BE THEIR ONLY OBJECT. MR. BEAUMONT, A RELATION OF MR. FRIENDLY'S, ARRIVES FROM THE UNIVERSITY, HIS AGREEABLE CONVERSATION ENGAGES LUCIA, HE WRITES TO HER, AND TAKES EVERY METHOD WHICH CUNNING CAN MAKE USE OF TO RUIN HER; HE LEAVES HER AFTER MANY PROTESTATIONS TO MARRY HER, BUT IN THE END TOTALLY FORSAKES HER. SHE PROVES WITH CHILD, HER FATHER-IN-LAW DIES AFTER HAVING SQUANDERED AWAY HER FORTUNE AT A GAMING TABLE, LUCIA TAKES LODGINGS IN LONDON, IS DELIVERED OF A BOY, WHICH IS GOT INTO THE FOUNDLING HOSPITAL. LUCIA TAKES TO DRINKING; DIES OF CONSUMPTION; AND BEAUMONT HAVING GOT A COMMISSION IN THE ARMY, IS KILLED INA DRUNKEN BRAWL, AND CONFESSES IT IS DIVINE JUSTICE FOR HAVING BEEN GUILTY OF SEDUCTION AND PERJURY. TO WHICH IS ADDED, ORIGINAL LETTERS FOUND AFTER THE DEATH OF LUCIA, INA BOX, IN HER APARTMENTS.


total winner!

couch to 5K

we will like running if it kills us.

One of my goals this year, as previously stated, is health. To that end I downloaded a new app* called couch to 5k. It is an 8 week program with three runs each week made up for me. I actually really love it. The app tells me when to start, when to jog, and when to walk, and the work outs get increasingly more advanced as the weeks go along. My next run will be a 5 min warm up, a 2 min run and a 2 min walk, a 3 min run and a 3 min walk (done twice over), and then another 2 min run and 2 min walk, and then a 5 min cool down. This is good stuff!

*it totally cracks me up that my first step in getting healthy is downloading an app. nice. i'm becoming one of those scary iphone commercials where living one's life = being on one's phone 24/7.

This month I'll also be trying a new recipe each week in an effort to boost health. I'll let you know about the tasty ones.

confession

i want validation/attention/mentoring from my chair so badly it hurts. i just have to tell somebody, and this blog seems oddly safe. i need to get over this, and i will. i am. confessing helps.

A New Year! Finally!

Ok, so I know that the turning from Dec 31 to Jan 1 isn't technically different from any other turning of one day into the next. I realize that it doesn't magically make me a new, more on top of it, more motivated, more intelligent person. However, for me, there is something happy and magical about new beginnings, even if it is the slightly arbitrary new beginning of the new year.

And, I say good riddance 2011!! I'm with Dave Barry on this one. Not my most shining year ever. I'm not going to go over all of the low moments (whew! - failed rescue mission, my eye is on you), but let's briefly review my New Year's resolutions from 2011:

get married - nope
finish dissertation - nope

*sigh*

Moving on.

I recall that last year some people, instead of resolutions, did "the year of..." sort of thing. I think I'll adopt something like it.

So, this year is going to be the year of:

*health - going to figure out how to be healthy and stay that way.

*knowledge - I'm going to learn something about something every month.

*visiting teaching--100% for 2012

*dissertation

I'm still a little bit hazy on some of the details of some of these (I know, I know, not a great way to start this off--have a little faith!), but I'm looking forward to it!

For this month (and I'll review this in Feb):

*health (forthcoming)
*knowledge - contemporary music
*vt - 100%
*dissertation - 20hrs/week

Rescue Mission Day 2

The very idea of my dissertation or working on it paralyzes me we fear.

So, didn't get a lot done on that. But! I did start to get a handle on some other things, such as my room. That's good.

I waste a lot of time, though. Got to stop doing that.

Rescue Mission Day 1

Ok, nothing going on the dissertation, but it was a really busy day. Mondays and Wednesdays are my long ones. Tomorrow there will be dissertation work of some kind. Unfortunately, I also did not work out. So, progress...healthier lunch. That was nice. Hmmm. Must make better plans.

Anna B: Rescue Mission

I really need to throw myself a rescue buoy. I've been drowning in a stormy sea of distraction and procrastination and dissertation despair. Other things in my life have been fraying at the seams as well--working out, keeping my room and car clean, reading in my field, etc etc etc. I'll spare myself the excuses because, regardless of these, I've come to a decision. It's time somebody stepped in and gave me a hand. And, more importantly, it's time that somebody became me. I think one of the things I'd like to learn and am destined to learn on this PhD journey is how to make myself do things that are hard for me. Specifically, it's sometimes hard for me to focus. It's hard for me to be my own motivator and cheerleader and encourager. But I really want to be that--I want this dissertation. I want this degree. I want to be focused and the kind of person that has what it takes to master this. I feel like I'm dealing in generalities here--just what I tell my students not to do. So, what I'm trying to say here is this: I feel behind in my field. I feel under-read. I am definitely way behind where I want and ought to be on my dissertation. And I feel almost unable, and certainly unmotivated, to focus and get the job done. And I don't want that. I don't like being a time-waster. I don't like failing at this, and failing because I won't try. So, I'm stepping in, staging and intervention, and extending a hand to me. Anna, you're better than this. You're more than this. You can do this. Indeed, you must and will do this.

And this blog is going to help me. For this week, I make a goal to report to myself the progress I've made. I'll report plans and ideas for getting on top of these aspects of my life.


{perhaps I ought to say that not *everything* in my life has gone down the toilet. i've got so many great things. and i actually feel really happy and i enjoy lots of things in my life. perhaps that is why i'm not so proud of the way i'm failing at this thing--my life has given me too many nice things for it to be ok to waste time and potential in the way that i sometimes do}

the diss

as long as i'm recklessly wasting time online, i thought i might as well write a blog post. and don't worry, i haven't forgotten about my new hobby. i will post movie stuff up here soon,

but tonight, i feel like writing about my dissertation.

here's the deal. i can't seem to get past square one. i've been at square one for FOREVER. FFFORRREEEVVVERRR. forever. square one is getting a topic (meaning, in this case, a legit question) with a research trajectory. unfortunately, i'd apparently been going at it all backwards. i was starting at big grand sweeping conclusions. but my chair says, quite rightly of course, that i actually have to start with information from which i can later draw these sorts of conclusions. sheesh. whatever. SO, i made up some questions with some possible research trajectories and sent them off to my chair. we are struggling a bit to meet about them--hopefully that will happen soon--but in the meantime, i've been researching one of the questions further, and i have to say that it is quite overwhelming. which is a little bit scary and makes me feel like i'll never, ever leave square one and i'll be a failure forever. the end.