Dating: Part 2. Unrequited, or Flying.

I may not have a lot of experience with full-blown romantic relationships, but I do have a little bit with unrequited crushes.  I think that each of us get to try out both sides of that tuna sandwich--the crush-er and the more or less unresponsive crush-ee.  Neither side is tons of fun, though I imagine many would-be relationships are crossed by this problem.   Person A likes Person B, who is unfortunately interested in Person C.  And Person J is actually interested in Person A and wishes Person B would just get on with it and get a girl/boyfriend.  Or that Person A would, because that might help quell the crush.

Crushes can be so fun, though!  They are exciting, and they lend some spice to life--normal, everyday experiences, like institute, or class, now hold untold and possibily infinite potential.  Anything might happen with the object of desire!  In fact, with all this fb and texting technology, all day can be made up of moments of delicious anticipation.  However, unrequited long enough, this kind of crush can get, well, a little crushing.

Mostly in life, I am led by my desires.  For one, I grew up feeling like I could do anything I wanted--I could be anything, accomplish anything, attain anything if I wanted it bad enough to pursue it.  For two, I feel like God often directs my life by helping me want the right things; I think God often communicates with me through what I desire.

I might have/ might have had a pretty strong crush in my life.  And it is the weirdest feeling to want something so badly and for it not to be attainable.  For it not to be the right thing.

It's a lot like flying for me.  I have always, always wanted so badly to be able to fly.  Not as a pilot.  Not in an airplane.  But on my own power--like a bird, or superman, or a mutant x men.  Like this guy:

When I watched Mary Poppins as a little girl, I really wanted laughter to for real result in floating up to the ceiling, bobbing merrily about and doing airborne somersaults--it was so appealing to me that I thought it must somehow be possible.

And that is still how I feel.  I want to be able to fly so much that it is hard to imagine that it really can't be done.  I will never just sprout wings and soar like a bird.  I will never pump my arms and suddenly discover that I can defy gravity like in my best dreams.  I know that.  But my heart wants it so intensely that it can't quite believe and comprehend that fact.  The heart wants, as they say, what the heart wants.

This crush I'm talking about feels exactly like that.  I know it will never happen, truly.  But I want it so that my mind has a tough time believing reality.

Dating, A Series. Part 1: My Life.

I've been wanting to do a series about my thoughts on dating for a while.  And really, who doesn't want to know what I think about this and everything?  I know I do.  So I'm doing it.  It might even have as many as three parts. 

Dating and I:

I am the death valley of dating.  Seriously--I'm not sure why, but it's true and pretty funny.  I don't know anybody else in this club: 30+ years old, relatively normal with above-average hygiene, and totally inexperienced.  It's a mystery (or not, perhaps you are thinking, dear reader.  I know, I know, I've got things to work on)

If relationships were a board game I would have yet to roll the dice.  Unfortunately, one ought start this game early-ish so that one can make stupid and awkward mistakes while still at an appropriate age.  Idiocy and awkwardness that are sort of cute and silly when performed by a 16, or even 19, year-old, become something very different indeed when perpetrated by a 31 year-old.  Whatever.  I'm just going to be in denial about that.

pet peeves

1.  when people suggest that something willingly given up doesn't count as a sacrifice.  sacrifice isn't defined by reluctance!!  also, when people say that something isn't a sacrifice when we receive blessings as a result of giving the thing up or when happiness results.  happiness IS what results from sacrifice.  sacrifice is not exclusive to sadness and hesitation, people!

2.  when people suggest that silence during a testimony is a bad thing.  it's a great thing! we can all sit and mediate and think about our own testimonies.  silence, as they say, is golden. 

so, there you have it.

??

I'm having the tiniest little pity party over here right now and I feel like blogging (which, for me, is a sort of pretend talking things out--this blog is kind of like a sounding board/confidante  i'm not convinced this is a good or healthy thing--my confidante isn't even a person??  isn't this what happens in wall-e?--but in this particular mood i just can't bring myself to care about or think about those implications too much.  i suppose i could just talk about these things to myself out loud, but writing is sort of cathartic.  also, now that i live alone, i am far too prone to talk to myself--today i complimented myself on dinner and then thanked myself for the compliment.  somebody's got to do it and it may as well be me.)  Anyhow, as I was saying, pity party, wanting to blog, blah blah blah, but I'm not sure exactly what I want to blog about (excuse the preposition). 

so, some random things:

1.  I wish I had made my chair more proud of me.  I wish I were more worth being proud of, academically.  My bad!

2.  I'm freaking out about how much I can't do this dissertation.

3.  As much as I'm freaking out, I DON'T want to do it.  I am not in the mood. 

4.  I don't know how to do this--when did I lose that knowledge/ability?

Oh, this isn't making me feel better.

{this won't either, but I've got to get it out: i am a super unproductive reader, which paralyzes me in my reading, and then i'm not ready to write because my reading is so unproductive, so i'm a HUGE rut and i don't know how to get out!!--wow, that was surprisingly hard to write.  my rut is so deep that i don't even want to face the rut itself.  yikes.}

...


Ok!  Operation feel better.  Hmm.

Let's talk about happy things.

10 good things I did today:
1.  I worked out.  Yay!
2.  I got my bike fixed and rode it.  Yay!
3.  I picked up eye glasses for a guy in my branch.  Yay!
4.  I cleaned my washer and started my laundry.  Yay!
5.  I met with President Kubik about my calling.  Yay!
6.  I made a tasty dinner.  Yay!
7.  I bought straws.  Yay!
8.  I cracked a library book.  Yay!
9.  I ate relatively healthfully.  Yay!
10.  I resisted going over my new tv watching limit.  Yay!

Yay for happy things. 

yummiest. sugar cookies. ever.

So, I may have shared this recipe before (tho I just searched my blog for a minute and didn't find it). It's so great, however, that it's worth another post.

It all started one Sunday in South Carolina. I was dying dying for some baked goods. I crawled to the cupboards. They were practically empty, real mother hubbard stuff. So I dragged myself to the internet to find a cookie recipe that required very few and very basic ingredients.

That is when I found it. The best sugar cookie recipe I've ever tried. AND it's the easiest, least fussy, least steps recipe ever. When do those things come together?? Right here.

Sugar cookies:
2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup butter, softened (MUST be soft)
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract (or almond)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). In a small bowl, stir together flour, baking soda, and baking powder. Set aside.

In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in egg and vanilla. Gradually blend in the dry ingredients. Roll rounded teaspoonfuls of dough into balls, and place onto ungreased cookie sheets.

Bake 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until golden. Let stand on cookie sheet two minutes before removing to cool on wire racks.

I then frost them with a basic buttercream.

1 stick softened butter
1 lb powdered sugar
1 dash salt
1 or 2 dashes vanilla
about 1/4 cup milk

Mix butter and powdered sugar. Mix in salt and vanilla. Mix in milk a little at a time until desired consistency.

**optionally, add food coloring (this will thin the icing a bit, though, so be aware as you add the milk), or lemon or orange zest.

EAT ME!

melancholy

Philosophically, melancholy sometimes refers to suffering a loss with an inability or unwillingness to let go of that loss and the sadness that accompanies not letting go.

I feel that I have somehow messed up on an important relationship. When I entered my PhD, I looked forward to working on a dissertation. I imagined finding a mentor like the professors I had during my master's: friendly and professional; somebody interested in or invested in me as a scholar; somebody who would be honest with me; somebody who believes in my abilities; somebody who has my back and is a teammate; somebody I would talk to and rely on in the future during the rest of my career. I have a hard time articulating this relationship--I'm not sure what I've said so far captures it. At any rate, I messed up this time. I keep hoping that somehow things will click and I will be able to fix it and it will happen. I've even seen glimpses of it, I think. But it hasn't happened. I'm not sure what did wrong--maybe I'm not cool enough. Maybe I'm not proactive enough. Certainly I have not been the most impressive. I didn't speak up in class as much as I sometimes do.

Now, honestly, I have a great mentor. I know that he will be honest with me. I know that he will do right by my dissertation. He is truly brilliant, yet unassuming. He's funny, and a great teacher. But the relationship has never really come, and I can't seem to let go of wanting it. I can't seem to stop being sad and disappointed and confused about why I didn't make this happen. I should let it go--he is great professor and I'm lucky to be working with him and this dissertation will all work out and he will be there for me as I do it (if I go to him). Maybe it is all in my head (but it's not!). Maybe I have unrealistic expectations (maybe I do). I watch this relationship click between this prof and others and it hurts. Why couldn't I do it? Why didn't that work for me?

I can't seem to let it go.

taco soup

aaand here's another recipe!

this is adapted from a recipe my college roommate, megan pratt, made. it's E.A.S.Y. and very tasty.

1 can corn (drained)
1 can refried beans (I use nonfat)
1 can black beans (partially drained)
1 can kidney beans (partially drained)
1 can diced tomatoes (I use rotel for extra kick)
1 jar salsa
1 packet taco seasoning
shredded or chopped cooked chicken
1 box cream cheese (this time i used a super light variety because there was no fat free at the store, but usually i use fat free)

mix all except cream cheese in large pot until hot. cut up cream cheese. mix portions of cream cheese with portions of hot soup in a smaller bowl until the cheese is melted and add back to the soup pot. continue doing this until all the cream cheese is melted.

eat it! delicious served with chips in the bottom of the bowl, with shredded cheese on top (I use a lowfat sharp cheddar), and/or topped with chopped avocado. i've heard the leftovers are great over rice. freezes just fine!

chicken enchilada casserole

i made something healthy and tasty! it's adapted from a favorite recipe book of mine--low on the go.

18 corn tortillas, torn into pieces
3 cups cooked chicken
2 cans low fat cream of chicken soup
1 cup non fat sour cream
1 1/2 cup chicken broth
2 cans green chilies (4oz each)
1 T. dried onion
1 1/2 cup grated non fat cheese (i don't believe in non-fat cheese, so i use a sharp 2% milk cheddar)

Make a mixture of soup, sour cream, broth, chilies and onion.

In a 13x9 pan layer 1/3 of the tortillas, then 1/3 of the chicken, and then 1/3 of the sauce. Contiune with layers and top with grated cheese. (the chicken layer will be scattered and the sauce layer is kind of drizzled on--it won't fill all the gaps and holes--this is fine, it turns out).

Bake at 350 covered for 20 minutes and 10 uncovered. When I did it, my casserole needed an extra 10 minutes covered.

Serves 8

Made with the recipe ingredients (so, nonfat cheese) it has 5 grams fat and 344 calories per serving.

I added avocado, because I love avocado. It was tasty. I also stabbed my hand getting the pit out of the avocado--not so smart. Watch yourselves.
















hot out of the oven
















I may need a little bit of practice on my presentation and plating...




















no stabbing your hand!

you are in the pit of despair

don't even think about trying to escape.

love that movie.

so, i'm stuck. stuck in supreme inefficiency. stuck in shamefully wasting time. stuck in an inability to go forward. stuck in not knowing how. stuck in hefty indifference and lack of motivation.

i try to get out and i spend hours reading only to get nowhere and remember nothing.

people ask how i'm doing. it's lie or unload. lie or admit the truth. so i lie.

the walls are far too thick.

dissertation

{surprise!}

I'm currently looking in Peter Garside's bibliography for novels about sympathy in the 1790s. Here is one of the gems I discovered:

By Anon.
Title:
THE PERJURED LOVER, OR THE HISTORY OF THOMAS BEAUMONT, AN OXFORD STUDENT, AND MISS LUCIA BANNISTER, SHEWING HOW AFTER THE DEATH OF HER FATHER SH=E WAS UNDER THE GUARDIAN SHIP OF MR. SLYMAN, WHO WISHING TO GET HER FORTUNE, (WHICH WAS FIVE THOUSAND POUNDS) INTO HIS POSSESSION, COURTED AND MARRIED HER MOTHER, AND IN A SHORT TIME, BY CRUEL USAGE, BROKE HER HEART. MISS LUCIA BECOMES ACQUAINTED WITH MR. FRIENDLY, HAS MANY SUITORS, BUT NONE OF THEM SUCCEED IN HER GOOD GRACES, AS HER FORTUNE SEEMS TO BE THEIR ONLY OBJECT. MR. BEAUMONT, A RELATION OF MR. FRIENDLY'S, ARRIVES FROM THE UNIVERSITY, HIS AGREEABLE CONVERSATION ENGAGES LUCIA, HE WRITES TO HER, AND TAKES EVERY METHOD WHICH CUNNING CAN MAKE USE OF TO RUIN HER; HE LEAVES HER AFTER MANY PROTESTATIONS TO MARRY HER, BUT IN THE END TOTALLY FORSAKES HER. SHE PROVES WITH CHILD, HER FATHER-IN-LAW DIES AFTER HAVING SQUANDERED AWAY HER FORTUNE AT A GAMING TABLE, LUCIA TAKES LODGINGS IN LONDON, IS DELIVERED OF A BOY, WHICH IS GOT INTO THE FOUNDLING HOSPITAL. LUCIA TAKES TO DRINKING; DIES OF CONSUMPTION; AND BEAUMONT HAVING GOT A COMMISSION IN THE ARMY, IS KILLED INA DRUNKEN BRAWL, AND CONFESSES IT IS DIVINE JUSTICE FOR HAVING BEEN GUILTY OF SEDUCTION AND PERJURY. TO WHICH IS ADDED, ORIGINAL LETTERS FOUND AFTER THE DEATH OF LUCIA, INA BOX, IN HER APARTMENTS.


total winner!

couch to 5K

we will like running if it kills us.

One of my goals this year, as previously stated, is health. To that end I downloaded a new app* called couch to 5k. It is an 8 week program with three runs each week made up for me. I actually really love it. The app tells me when to start, when to jog, and when to walk, and the work outs get increasingly more advanced as the weeks go along. My next run will be a 5 min warm up, a 2 min run and a 2 min walk, a 3 min run and a 3 min walk (done twice over), and then another 2 min run and 2 min walk, and then a 5 min cool down. This is good stuff!

*it totally cracks me up that my first step in getting healthy is downloading an app. nice. i'm becoming one of those scary iphone commercials where living one's life = being on one's phone 24/7.

This month I'll also be trying a new recipe each week in an effort to boost health. I'll let you know about the tasty ones.

confession

i want validation/attention/mentoring from my chair so badly it hurts. i just have to tell somebody, and this blog seems oddly safe. i need to get over this, and i will. i am. confessing helps.

A New Year! Finally!

Ok, so I know that the turning from Dec 31 to Jan 1 isn't technically different from any other turning of one day into the next. I realize that it doesn't magically make me a new, more on top of it, more motivated, more intelligent person. However, for me, there is something happy and magical about new beginnings, even if it is the slightly arbitrary new beginning of the new year.

And, I say good riddance 2011!! I'm with Dave Barry on this one. Not my most shining year ever. I'm not going to go over all of the low moments (whew! - failed rescue mission, my eye is on you), but let's briefly review my New Year's resolutions from 2011:

get married - nope
finish dissertation - nope

*sigh*

Moving on.

I recall that last year some people, instead of resolutions, did "the year of..." sort of thing. I think I'll adopt something like it.

So, this year is going to be the year of:

*health - going to figure out how to be healthy and stay that way.

*knowledge - I'm going to learn something about something every month.

*visiting teaching--100% for 2012

*dissertation

I'm still a little bit hazy on some of the details of some of these (I know, I know, not a great way to start this off--have a little faith!), but I'm looking forward to it!

For this month (and I'll review this in Feb):

*health (forthcoming)
*knowledge - contemporary music
*vt - 100%
*dissertation - 20hrs/week

Rescue Mission Day 2

The very idea of my dissertation or working on it paralyzes me we fear.

So, didn't get a lot done on that. But! I did start to get a handle on some other things, such as my room. That's good.

I waste a lot of time, though. Got to stop doing that.