melancholy

Philosophically, melancholy sometimes refers to suffering a loss with an inability or unwillingness to let go of that loss and the sadness that accompanies not letting go.

I feel that I have somehow messed up on an important relationship. When I entered my PhD, I looked forward to working on a dissertation. I imagined finding a mentor like the professors I had during my master's: friendly and professional; somebody interested in or invested in me as a scholar; somebody who would be honest with me; somebody who believes in my abilities; somebody who has my back and is a teammate; somebody I would talk to and rely on in the future during the rest of my career. I have a hard time articulating this relationship--I'm not sure what I've said so far captures it. At any rate, I messed up this time. I keep hoping that somehow things will click and I will be able to fix it and it will happen. I've even seen glimpses of it, I think. But it hasn't happened. I'm not sure what did wrong--maybe I'm not cool enough. Maybe I'm not proactive enough. Certainly I have not been the most impressive. I didn't speak up in class as much as I sometimes do.

Now, honestly, I have a great mentor. I know that he will be honest with me. I know that he will do right by my dissertation. He is truly brilliant, yet unassuming. He's funny, and a great teacher. But the relationship has never really come, and I can't seem to let go of wanting it. I can't seem to stop being sad and disappointed and confused about why I didn't make this happen. I should let it go--he is great professor and I'm lucky to be working with him and this dissertation will all work out and he will be there for me as I do it (if I go to him). Maybe it is all in my head (but it's not!). Maybe I have unrealistic expectations (maybe I do). I watch this relationship click between this prof and others and it hurts. Why couldn't I do it? Why didn't that work for me?

I can't seem to let it go.

taco soup

aaand here's another recipe!

this is adapted from a recipe my college roommate, megan pratt, made. it's E.A.S.Y. and very tasty.

1 can corn (drained)
1 can refried beans (I use nonfat)
1 can black beans (partially drained)
1 can kidney beans (partially drained)
1 can diced tomatoes (I use rotel for extra kick)
1 jar salsa
1 packet taco seasoning
shredded or chopped cooked chicken
1 box cream cheese (this time i used a super light variety because there was no fat free at the store, but usually i use fat free)

mix all except cream cheese in large pot until hot. cut up cream cheese. mix portions of cream cheese with portions of hot soup in a smaller bowl until the cheese is melted and add back to the soup pot. continue doing this until all the cream cheese is melted.

eat it! delicious served with chips in the bottom of the bowl, with shredded cheese on top (I use a lowfat sharp cheddar), and/or topped with chopped avocado. i've heard the leftovers are great over rice. freezes just fine!