dissertation, continued

the problem i'm having here is that i don't quite know where to start. i've been out of the saddle for a little bit too long, so i feel like i don't remember anything that i've done. i guess i could write through some of the ideas i've been having. get them down on paper. maybe send them over to tony--investigate what i've got.

maybe i should make a goal to do one writing thing and one reading thing each day. i know that doesn't sound like much, but for this girl, it's pushing it!

i don't want to be premature, here...

but i think i'm back in the saddle on research and dissertation! yay! i took a naughty naughty bad break for a while. but, i'm back. details forthcoming.

a new list

i'm sitting here waiting for my laundry to dry, which is SUPER boring and taking SUPER forever, so i thought i'd write a new blog post. also, i need to cover up the previous self pity post. SO! new post! new post new post, move down, move down, new post new post, move down.

i'm also watching 24 on my instant netflix. i've got a little crush on jack bauer. can't help myself.

things i want:
new running shoes
one of those shoe organizers that you hang on the door
workout clothes
new swimsuit
church bag
beach bag
more time at the beach
pedicure
groceries, without having to go get groceries
summer tee shirts
summer heels
flats
church clothes
new unmentionables
dissertation
world peace
sees candy


also, my haircut lately looks like a hobbit haircut. good thing hobbits are the best.

basketcase

last week i moved into the place i'm house sitting for the summer. it's a beautiful old house in forest acres for a professor that i truly love and admire, who is on leave currently on a fulbright in germany. unfortunately, several things have gone wrong. in the first couple of days i probably saw 10 cockroaches (palmetto bugs, so they say). i saw a wolf spider. there was a gas leak seeping into the master bedroom. there's a big and active hornets nest in the swimming pool shed. but, worst of all: there have been fleas. i'm currently in battle. hopefully i've conquered. however, it has undone me in ways that, well, undo me. i have become a totally paranoid freak. i can't find comfort or consolation inside of me. i will spare you the details, because sharing them would be too ridiculous for too many reasons. i wish i could be funny about it. it would probably be better for me to make this a funny post. oh well.

anyhow, i was driving back from campus to home sweet home and i thought of a book i really love: the hiding place. it is an autobiographical account two sisters' experience during world war ii in prison camps. they have a flea problem. i recommend the book if you haven't read it. or even if you have. i won't post it here because i can't stand the idea of being melodramatic enough to even think of comparing my situation to theirs.

but, like with any trial, i wish i knew what i was learning. i feel so lonely.

anyhow, whatever! this will pass! and i will feel like an idiot for being so shaken by it. can we fast forward to that moment? to the moment that i feel like an idiot? because that would be great.

beef

do you want to know what is the biggest scam ever? that laurie and jo don't end up together in little women and then laurie marries the brat amy!! talk about insult upon injury! total double whammie. sigh. i will never forgive l.m. alcott for that. it's wrong.



i realize that scam is perhaps not the best word for what i mean. except for that it is because it sounds so...grrrr, you know? scam!

decisions, decisions

Ok, so I'm trying to figure out what I should do for the summer. I'm hoping to work for the Institute of Reading, which is a corporation that offers literacy classes to all age groups over the summer. Teachers for the Institute travel all over their geographical area, teaching 4 or 5 out of 7 days of the week and days off are not necessarily consecutive. Also, my roomie and I are moving all of our stuff into storage of the summer, so we will be signing a new lease in the fall and will have to go through all the paper work and things that go with it.

Now, the question is, do I work in UT or SC?

pros for SC
*close contact with my dissertation chair
*the job ends before school starts
*I'm on location for moving into an apartment and signing and paying and all that jazz
*the beach
*grad friends

cons for SC
*definitely working at least some (possibly all) Sundays
*non-existent dating life


pros for UT
*family
*UT friends
*on location for NASSR conference
*possibility of dating

cons for UT
*ends after school starts--will probably miss the first day of the semester here in SC
*distance from diss chair
*not on location for move in thus:
*will make grueling three day drive and then have to immediately scramble into an apartment and start teaching etc. etc. etc.


side notes: sounds like Institute for Reading really eats up time, so I will not have tons of it for dating or dissertation. But it is really good money.

the serious things of life

So, here's the real question: who is my favorite Jane Austen hero?

I've thought about this quite a bit and the answer changes from time to time and it also depends on whether we're talking about the books or the films. And any way you slice it, it's a tough choice. However, I feel fairly confident that in the films, my favorite is this man:

Jeremy Northam's Mr. Knightley is the very best.


And honorable mention goes to:


Hugh Grant's Edward Ferrars has long been a favorite. I love his portrayal of the character.


And I don't care what anybody says, I've got a little crush on Alan Rickman's Colonel Brandon.


And I think these men are hot. However, that's not really the point here.





And of course I love Colin Firth. But again, not the question here.

the next one will be positive, promise!

do you ever want to quit your life? you look at the things you are doing, or should be doing and are avoiding, and think--why?? or--i don't even like this. do you ever lose every scrap of will power and motivation to do anything except lay on the ground and stare off into space with a vacant and uninterested mind? do you ever get to the point where nothing--not even fun things, like tv or going out to eat or shopping or watching a movie--is appealing?

some thoughts on progress; or, it's never too late.

So, two experiences that seem related from which I gleaned a useful lesson.

1. I came across some journal entries the other day from about 5 years ago--at the time, I was part way through my master's program, which made for an interesting contrast to now being part way through my PhD. It was fun to read about how I felt and to remember details that I haven't thought about in a while. I talked about weaknesses I had that I wanted to conquer. I was making goals (and failing and making more goals) to be better. It was a little bit depressing to realize that I am still making goals to overcome those particular issues and that I haven't made a lot of progress on those things in the last five years.

2. I've been a bit troubled lately and was having a really tough time articulating to myself what exactly was making me feel unsettled. Even in prayer I felt at a loss in expressing how I felt and why I felt that way. And anything I did manage to articulate was as troubling and frustrating as the trouble itself. I didn't know how I was going to find articulation, much less how I was going to deal with whatever it was that was bothering me. Several days/weeks into this vague bother my mom called me and we ended up talking through and exploring how I felt and I ended up finding peace and resolution and resolve to do good things. As I think about this, I really feel (and felt) that the Lord was answering my unarticulated longings and the cries of my heart. I felt/feel like God heard my unsaid prayer and sent me answers and help.

And that experience helped me to feel and see that it's never too late to be better and do better. Just as the Lord sent me answers to that unsaid worry, He will send me help and answers in this aspect of my life, too. And even though I'm still struggling with the same things I struggled with five years ago, and even though I had hoped to be strong today in the places where I was weak, and even though I could have done more then to be strong in those areas now, that doesn't mean game over. I can start again. I feel like I was being taught that God helps us, me, even when I'm a slacker and even when I'm late. Because with God it's never too late.

To Do

*clean my room
*finish and put away laundry
*clean car
*take car in for tune up
*change oil
*log in my hours on itams
*post stuff on blackboard for my students
*read 2 chapters out of Ahern's Affected Sensibilities
*write serious response to Ahern's chapters
*think through decay topic
*hunt down decay books in library, see if anything is there
*articulate the sensibility/austen topic
*read scriptures
*think through goals
*pay bills

ah, i feel better. nothing like a good list.

monster/villain/freak

warning: this post is an over-share. and that is just that. don't even try to stop me.

i realized tonight as i was wakeful in bed that i have a monster inside of me. a monster that is an insatiable and overwhelming and maybe incapacitating need for validation. a roaring, snarling, drooling, green, spikey, monster. even my validation monster wants to be validated. super ridiculous and disgusting. exhibit a: this post. exhibit b: maybe this blog.

to spare the details, this is generally what i feel:

that in one of my very main capacities in life, nobody cares, nobody recognizes, nobody realizes. and the kind of person that does get care, recognition, realization is the kind of person that i am not. and i don't want to change into that kind of person.

maybe (perhaps probably) i don't want to change because becoming that person would mean that others were right and i am wrong. and i get it, that's a pride problem. and maybe, says a tiny voice, this lacking of c.r.r. marks that i am wrong. that there is some sort of problem in me. or lack of capacity. and maybe, says a louder voice, it's lack of desert, you slacker!

the ugly, frightening truth.

i guess i had better just be my own validator. flatter myself more often. contemplate my own greatness. throw my monster some tasty treats. great solution.

this post made me feel better. because recognition is the first step, right? and knowing is half the battle? and transformers are more than meets the eye?

dresses

ok, this post is almost embarrassing, or maybe should be embarrassing, but i've decided that it's totally not.

so, in the last few years i've started leaning towards not having a big wedding if/when that happens for me (let's just admit right now that i have no reason to be thinking about a wedding. not even remotely. but since when does a girl need a reason?). i think this stems from a couple of things: 1) if/when i do get married, he and i will both likely be quite independent and will be starting our life together with more stuff than younger newly-weds. 2) if/when i do get married, i will likely be 30+ years old. friends and family are more spread out, and are becoming more so as the years pass and as i live in different places. my parents will probably not still live in the town and house where i grew up. thus, the people i would want with me, or that my parents would want with them, will/are no longer located in one convenient location.

anyhow, lately i've been leaning towards other options. maybe i'll do a destination wedding to wherever my parents are on their mission. and instead of a huge reception, i can have people come and then a really fantastic honeymoon. and then my husband and i can throw a big party at our house for our friends once we get settled in. so, this all leads to the idea that i probably wouldn't get a big dress. why have the big dress without the big party? we could get married in hawaii, maybe, and then have a luncheon on the beach and i could buy a really great sundress for a fraction of the price of a huge wedding dress. also, i think a small part of me was laboring under the delusion that it's more difficult to find a beautiful dress with sleeves.

the other day, though, i googled wedding dresses with sleeves and maybe i've changed my mind. maybe i will want a great dress after all:










i think these dresses, or aspects of them, are beautiful and what i picture wanting i ever do get one. also, a fancy dress is quite nice for wedding pictures. it sets that day aside as really special and significant. i may have to rethink my latest wedding plans. or maybe ignore wedding ideas altogether until i actually become engaged. or have a boyfriend. or go on a date. ;)

gorgeous, though, eh??

posting without reason

does it ever happen to you that you want to blog but don't really have anything particular to blog about? or, you do have things to say, but shouldn't be posting those things publicly? this is one of those posts.

so, some randomness to satiate my current need to blog:

it's something of a hobby for me to watch film adaptations of 19C novels. i love 19C lit and i love films and i teach film adaptation classes occasionally. and i have decided that these films are really quite boring. very run of the mill, very uncreative. they all seem to fit into a box with specific dimensions: period-type filming, lots of dialogue, long gazes, lots of shots of English countryside blah blah blah. we just seem to be churning these films out without actually making them into something interesting/intriguing. they don't even bring the story to life.

notable exceptions and/or films that make the box look really good:
Jane Eyre












North and South












Emma Thompson's Sense and Sensibility












Bleak House












Emma (both the Gwyneth Paltrow film and the newest Masterpiece Theatre version)














(I also really liked)
Little Dorritt












Our Mutual Friend












Persuasion (not the new one)












We'll give a shout out to the BBC Pride and Prejudice
less my favorite, but still. mrs. bennet is unbeatable.

all versions of Wuthering Heights that I've seen so far: thumbs down

we really need to break out of these dime-a-dozen adaptations. film deserves better. victorian lit deserves better. we deserve better!



as long as i'm at it, i've also been searching for a decent film version of dracula to share with my students. this, it turns out, is a near-impossible task. here's what i think (don't even pretend you're not dying too know!)

*Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula
keanu reeves ruins it! seriously? also, way too much sexuality. my students would never see dracula as anything else. despite some very beautiful and fascinating filmic moments, thumbs down

*Wes Craven's Dracula 2000
you'd think this might be ok. wes craven is great at horror. it's updated, so that might make for some cool adaptation fodder. i like jonny lee miller. gerard butler is dracula, and he's hot. however, you'd be wrong. it was SO STUPID that i turned it off. NEVER WATCH THIS FILM. watch a blank wall instead. it would be way better. a million thumbs down times infinity.

*Bela Lugosi's Dracula
classic. iconic. interesting adaptation stuff. tres slow, though, unless you get lots of set up. thumbs up, but only because they ought to be. let's get something new and cool!

*Dracula starring Frank Langella
surprisingly well done. langella makes for a very romantic, byronic dracula. thoughtful, interesting, entertaining film. some great adaptation ideas. however, also dated (1979). thumbs up (except for that it's dated for students. still, i really liked it.)

*Masterpiece Theatre's 2007 Dracula
some great setup. introduces interesting twists for the story. however, doesn't quite follow through. meh. still, updated filming and nice film length (90 mins) made it my choice. thumbs up mostly. but also thumbs wiggle waggle.

so, there you go.

thank you

biggest grateful news: i passed my oral comprehensive exam!! this means that i am done with comps and am on to the main event! i feel so happy, so thankful, for the miracle of passing writtens and orals. yay, yay, and another yay for being past that. yay for my committee, yay for my brilliant, supportive, and cool director, yay for the nineteenth century, yay for the eighteenth, yay for their beautiful and amazing literature and yay for their crazy and cool and interesting ideas, yay for novels, yay for poetry, yay for school. YAY!!

yay for:
health. i went on my own little turkey trot this morning on lake murray dam and thought about how lucky i am to be healthy. i really take that for granted.
family
friends
great roomie and living like every day is a slumber party
teaching and students
diet coke
church and the gospel and that i miraculously have it in my life.
pumpkin pie
books and getting lost in them and reading until way too early
movies and movie theaters
beds and bedtime
baths
perfume--i love good smells
fall and everything it stands for--newness and fresh starts, school, changing leaves, crisp air, sweaters and hoodies, school supplies, scarves, Christmas is coming
babies and a new nephew on the way
clean kitchens
chocolate
well put together outfits
vacations and trips
sunshine
weather of all sorts
gum
slippers and blankets
haircuts
bread and toast
milk
board games and card games
nature
mountains
beaches
water and swimming
family--again, because it's my favorite one.

happy day!