PASS!

I passed my comprehensive exam! Hurrah! Yippee!! I had a whole weekend of pure bliss. Loved life. Thanks, dearests, for all the support. Truly, it is a miracle.


Now I have my comments! They were brutal and I have plenty to work on--three cheers :)

4 for 4

I did it! I completed (for now) my comprehensive exam. It really felt and feels like a huge step for me. And I know you're all dying for a play-by-play.

Ok, maybe not. So, that's the short story. But just in case anybody wants the long version, this is how it worked:

Over the last year or so I put together my dissertation committee (one director and two readers) and in company with them I compiled reading lists for a primary and a secondary area (for me, 19C British lit and 18C British lit). The lists covered works both from the time periods (so, novels, poetry, essays) as well as scholarship written about it. All-in-all I had probably 300 or so texts. Once every semester the department offers a chance to take the comprehensive exam and I decided to go for it this time around. My committee was then notified and they made up a list of 6-8 essay questions for each area (my director had the final say, though, on what questions went to me). The exam stretched over three days. So, on Wednesday morning I showed up at my department office and the graduate secretary gave those of us taking the exam our list questions for the primary area. I then had five and half hours to choose and answer two of them. By 2:30 sharp I had to turn in my answers to the grad secretary. Thursday was a break. And then Friday I did the same routine for my secondary area. I wrote my answers in our office and my fantastic office mates had put up little signs cheering me on and had put a diet coke for me in the office fridge. And Brooke, my roomie, made me a bag of treats to get me through. I was super, super nervous both days. However, I felt like I had answers for the questions that I chose and that I learned some things as I thought about how to synthesize the stuff I had studied. On Friday it took about five hours to come down off the adrenaline. I couldn't focus for very long on any one thing, my heart was racing, I was jittery. It felt so weird. But, I feel great to be done. I should know by the Oct. 11th if I passed. Three professors (presumably my committee members) will read my answers and I need to get at least 2 passes out of 3 on each of my questions to pass. So, big step. And hopefully I move forward to the dissertation!

Note to Self

Dear Self,

I'd like you to remember these moments leading up to the comprehensive exam. Remember how much you longed to be studying without the pressure of immanent forced performance of synthesized ideas and knowledge. Remember how unpleasant you find it to rush and cram in hopes of reviewing something that might be of immediate service rather than long term usefulness. Remember how much you wish you could be studying these things at your leisure. That you could take your time on ideas and think through and organize your notes and thoughts. Please take advantage of all that leisure time you'll have post exams when leisurely studying will no doubt look less appealing--remember to enjoy that time to read and think and write unmolested by immediate evaluation.

Please.

sincerely,
Self

The Comprehensive Exam

Reality: I should be studying for comps right this second.

Reality: I don't want to.

Reality: I could cry because I'm afraid that I might fail. Legitimately.

Reality: I am even more afraid that I don't have the capacity to study hard and effectively.

Well, you might say, the way to fix that is to actually go study right now.

If only it were that simple.

But it is, you say.

No it isn't.

i've been thinking

[side note of explanation for any possible readers who do not happen to be of my same religious persuasion: I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon) and all women in that church are a part of the largest world-wide woman's organization called the Relief Society. Relief Society is the best and I love it]

the relief society should change its hymn. as sisters in zion (excuse me please for saying it) is such a weak song. the tune stays pretty much within a five note range. it has no surprising or interesting melodic moments, no lovely, moving or unusual harmonies, no rousing chorus.

ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding, ding diiing dading ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.

all quarter notes. no quickening syncopation, not even long holds. it's a sissy song. and we are much stronger, more exciting, more lovely, more moving, more inspiring than that. we are MORE. so, i move to change our relief society hymn. let's take hark all ye nations. i LOVE that one. or brightly beams our father's mercy. great one. or guide us oh thou great Jehovah. one of my very favorites. or how firm a foundation. and brooke suggests each life that touches ours for good. i'm totally supportive! that should not be a funeral hymn. great harmonies.

i'm serious about this.

Cymru part 2

(this was also posted on the parent blog--more review)

I'm thinking I'll post one more after this so that I have a nice round 3 parts.

I originally wrote this post on the day I was leaving the UK. I think I'll just leave it like that:

I'm sitting in Heathrow Airport (for just about the bazillionth hour on what is becoming what feels like a 72 hour day. Friday night, Anders and I were up until 6am taking people to the Cardiff airport and Cardiff train station. And then we were up again at 9 to take the last group. Then we spent the day packing up the houses and getting everything together and storing all the program stuff in this totally creepy attic. That night we went to a movie. And then on Sunday I got up really early to finish up the packing and cleaning. And then Sunday afternoon we traveled to London Heathrow and went downtown and then spent the night in the airport. And now, Monday morning, I'm waitng for my flight. So, my inner clock is totally off--my brain is fried. And I feel great!). Anyhow, I thought I'd share some more pics and stories. I am filled with satisfaction and happiness as I sit here--it was such a great trip.

Excuse the randomness--this time I'm mostly just choosing pics I like.

Cardiff has some great parks. In one of them (Roath Park), there is a lovely lake and row boats, so we went rowing as a program. Zoe and I were lucky enough to be rowed around by Tom--there wasn't space in the other student boats. It was hilarious to watch everybody else try to get the hang of it and we all had a blast.




Pasties are my favorite food in the UK, and here we are eating them as a group in downtown Cardiff. Pasties are a savory pastry, shaped like a crescent. My favorite (the traditional Cornish) has steak and potatoes and onions and carrots. It's delicious and cheap and filling.



Tom had to leave about 2 weeks before the program ended and right before we did our UK tour. Anders, his son, flew in to be the replacement driver. On our second day out, we managed to get parking tickets. Apparently the Conwy Castle parking lot is a van-free zone. Oops. Tom leaves us alone for two seconds and we run amock



Here's the van I drove and my wonderful, brave, patient passengers! We had a great time. I really love these girls and totally appreciate how cheerful and trusting and helpful they all were.



Every summer there's a festival down at Cardiff Bay. There are street performers and farmers markets and delicious cheeses and ice creams and meats etc. etc. We always go down and tour the Assembly Building and watch the crowds. This day I had a delicious sausage sandwich with grilled onions and fantastic cheese. And here I am chilling with Tom, Dannica, and Tom's daughter Zoe.



Great times!

in which i actually go to cymru

and during which i never manage to post on this blog, despite its title. sorry.

also--this is actually posted on my family blog as well. so, family, this is review.

part 1:

background: i went with byu study abroad to wales this summer in order to be their van driver. so, wrong side of the road and the car with a stick shift. and 17 passengers. it went incredibly, miraculously (and i mean that literally) well. there are drivers in this world and then there are drivers. anders taylor and tom taylor, the other drivers, are in the latter category. and i am in the former. i can drive, but i'm not a gifted driver, you know? i still can't believe how quickly i felt comfortalbish on the road. when i first wrote this post, we were on our week long trip through the uk. we had just driven from the southern tip of wales to the northern tip--a totally beautiful drive. also, there were several tight spots, that day and everyday. we really went all over the place. here are some picture highlights of my favorite things on the trip:

these first couple were from our trip through cornwall. we were down there for two days. it is probably my favorite part of the uk and it was also the most intense driving. lots of really really tiny roads and having to do lots of backing down steep hills in order to let cars pass. at the end of the cornwall tour we were behind tom when he had to back up for cars in his van and he mentioned how crazy stressful it was later. we had done it in our van about five times. still, great great trip and we made it!

merlin's cave.



landsend--the western peninsula of cornwall and western most tip of the uk. one of the most beautiful places i have ever, ever been. we walked along the peninsula at sunset. the photo doesn't do it justice--it was painfully beautiful.




the motor boat we drove at st ives. it was SO slow--four horse power engine and i think at least 2 of the horses were out for the count. we were cracking up. st ives has beautiful white sand blue water beaches (also very good looking guys, it turns out, running these boats). i have put a vacation there on my bucket list. for the beaches rather than the boys.



we took the train to london and spent the day there, ending with a show at the globe (tom, zoe and i actually did a double header. henry iv part 1 in the afternoon and henry iv part 2 in the evening). the globe is perhaps the number one top thing to see in london. it was great as usual.



then we didn't quite make the last train back to cardiff so we spent the night (from 11:30pm until 5:30am) in paddington station. it was actually a great adventure. everybody took it like champs and had a great time. i didn't sleep at all until the train ride home.

On Life

A while ago a dear friend posed a question or proffered a thought, the gist of which was (as applied to myself): are my interests the center of my work.

I remember when I decided that I wanted to be a professor of English lit. It was my junior year at BYU and I had built my schedule around professors that I wanted to take (rule to live by #1, by Anna Bennion--I should create a list). So, I was in American Novel with Dr. Cutchins, Renaissance Lit with Dr. Siegfried, and Shakespeare Performance with Prof Young. I had never before loved school the way I did that semester. Those classes made me see literature differently--more largely. And, as a result, I felt like my experience of life/the world/ideas expanded. Something new opened before me. (I wish I could describe what that was--what was it? A new world? A new way of thinking?--I'm not sure, smaller than that, and maybe also larger. Certainly, a new love. Newborn passion. Which is odd, because it isn't as if I didn't love books and reading before that semester. What was this love for,then?--we'll come back this). I loved that semester so much that I was sad and depressed after finals, because I wouldn't be able to attend those classes anymore. And that's when I decided that I wanted to get my PhD.

So, why exactly did I want a PhD? What was it about those classes (and classes after) that awoke my desire to pursue this field? Or, what did that semester--and, really, the accumulation of my semesters as an English Major--awaken? What I'm digging for here is what's in that long parenthetical statement above. What was it that made me want to become a professor?

This calls for a good list:

1. Partly, I think, I wanted to become a professors because I had such great ones. My teachers at BYU have had an enormous impact on who I have become/am becoming and on how I think and how I want to be. What was it about them?

2. I loved being in a classroom. I loved thinking about and talking about literature. I loved being part of a discussion and I loved getting fired up about where the things we were reading would lead us. {soft be it spoken, I'm not sure that this love is all healthy--I fear that I like the validation I feel in a classroom. That I like talking and hearing it. That's an embarrassing realization--don't judge).

3. I loved how these classes opened up literature for me. But what does that even mean? How did it open it up and what did I see? I want to say something like "I saw the world differently" but that sounds so cliche and so general that it feels like it means nothing. Maybe literature helped diversify my experience. Or that literature gave me a unique and particular way to think about ideas. (but what was that way? what was/is particular or unique about it?)

4. I loved how literature opened up life. Or opened up experience. Something new, like I said above, opened up before me. I wish I could articulate that thing better.

5. I wanted to help students have the experience with literature, school, college that I had.

{nothing like a good list}

So, some conclusions I draw:

1. What is this thing that I want to articulate? Why is the study of literature so important to me? What was the new thing that was opened by literature for me?

2. Have I lost sight of that?

Writing

I have a couple of topics I want to post on, but I'm making them wait until after finals. For now, I just want to ask: what makes writing so ridiculously hard? Why is it so difficult to get started? To get in the grove? And why is that grove so tenuous and delicate? *sigh*

I really don't want to finish writing this thing.

i hate grading

yes i do! because it is a load of poo.

that's my new song.

sometimes

it feels like i have an insatiable need for affirmation. what is up with that.

Another List. Or two. And maybe some thoughts.

I've been wanting to blog for a while. My problem is a topic. Everything is so dreadfully centered around me and what I think and feel and worry about. Ugh. I just don't have what it takes right now--be it talent, work ethic, energy, whatever--to write something beyond my preoccupations. Hmm.


But! I did think of some more things for my life-to-do list:

5. Take piano lessons again.

6. Do a triathalon



Also, another list. Things I really like:
1. Sees candy

2. Devouring books. And reading books I can devour. That is not every book, let me tell you.

3. Going to see movies in the theater by myself.

4. Going to see movies in the theater with friends.

5. Holding babies.

6. Chats.

7. Classical music.

8. Pop top-40s type music.

9. Reading in bed at night until I fall asleep.

10. Baths.

11. Film adaptations of 19C novels--well, I don't always like them, but I like watching them.

12. Marathoning TV shows.

13. Painting my toenails.

14. Getting a haircut.

15. Well-written literary criticism.

16. Laughing hard enough so that tears come.

17. Emails.

18. Mail in general.

19. Naps.

20. Boats.

21. Swimming. Water. Being in water.

22. The beach. The ocean.

23. Smoothies.

24. Trying new restaurants.

25. Stories.

26. Juicy, harmless gossip. News is a better word for this--hearing what's going on for people. The latest and greatest. Like, that one of my nephews did so-and-so. I would just say "news" but people might think I mean what we get on TV news stations and the newspaper. And that's not what I would mean.

27. Weather.

28. Film reviews.

29. London.

30. Squash. Particularly butternut and spaghetti.

31. Cooking.

32. Reading cookbooks.

33. A clean kitchen floor.

34. Ice cream. Homemade cookies. Caramels.


Ah, nothing like a nice list. So, just kidding on the thoughts. Maybe I will do thoughts later.

The Secret History of A____ and Emails, an Epistolary Tale

Dear P_______,

Why don't you answer my emails? Perhaps half of my messages go to your spam mail. Or maybe you're just really busy. On the other hand, maybe my questions are obnoxious. Or maybe you think I'm too needy and you ignore my emails in order to send a different sort of message. At any rate, my inbox, empty of your replies, makes me feel like the it's the latter. Perhaps you don't want to tell me that I'm needy, annoying, and not worth your time with your lack of response, but that's the message I've gotten. And I think it's lame.

Sincerely,

A______

The Comprehensive Exam

Ok. So. I'm not ready to take my exams in a week, and I've decided to put it off for a semester. Sad, but also glad. I need to do the leg work to really own my list. And I need to cultivate the focus that that kind of work takes. Turning over a new leaf. Starting again. I'll try not to make this blog my Comprehensive Exam Blog (because that could get tres boring), but, to celebrate my new start, I'm just going to post my trajectory for this week:

Novel: Waverly
Poetry: Barbauld, Blake, Hemans
Criticism: Benedict Anderson's Imagined Communities

Go team!