I have a couple of topics I want to post on, but I'm making them wait until after finals. For now, I just want to ask: what makes writing so ridiculously hard? Why is it so difficult to get started? To get in the grove? And why is that grove so tenuous and delicate? *sigh*
I really don't want to finish writing this thing.
04 May 2010
27 March 2010
17 March 2010
14 March 2010
Another List. Or two. And maybe some thoughts.
I've been wanting to blog for a while. My problem is a topic. Everything is so dreadfully centered around me and what I think and feel and worry about. Ugh. I just don't have what it takes right now--be it talent, work ethic, energy, whatever--to write something beyond my preoccupations. Hmm.
But! I did think of some more things for my life-to-do list:
5. Take piano lessons again.
6. Do a triathalon
Also, another list. Things I really like:
1. Sees candy
2. Devouring books. And reading books I can devour. That is not every book, let me tell you.
3. Going to see movies in the theater by myself.
4. Going to see movies in the theater with friends.
5. Holding babies.
6. Chats.
7. Classical music.
8. Pop top-40s type music.
9. Reading in bed at night until I fall asleep.
10. Baths.
11. Film adaptations of 19C novels--well, I don't always like them, but I like watching them.
12. Marathoning TV shows.
13. Painting my toenails.
14. Getting a haircut.
15. Well-written literary criticism.
16. Laughing hard enough so that tears come.
17. Emails.
18. Mail in general.
19. Naps.
20. Boats.
21. Swimming. Water. Being in water.
22. The beach. The ocean.
23. Smoothies.
24. Trying new restaurants.
25. Stories.
26. Juicy, harmless gossip. News is a better word for this--hearing what's going on for people. The latest and greatest. Like, that one of my nephews did so-and-so. I would just say "news" but people might think I mean what we get on TV news stations and the newspaper. And that's not what I would mean.
27. Weather.
28. Film reviews.
29. London.
30. Squash. Particularly butternut and spaghetti.
31. Cooking.
32. Reading cookbooks.
33. A clean kitchen floor.
34. Ice cream. Homemade cookies. Caramels.
Ah, nothing like a nice list. So, just kidding on the thoughts. Maybe I will do thoughts later.
But! I did think of some more things for my life-to-do list:
5. Take piano lessons again.
6. Do a triathalon
Also, another list. Things I really like:
1. Sees candy
2. Devouring books. And reading books I can devour. That is not every book, let me tell you.
3. Going to see movies in the theater by myself.
4. Going to see movies in the theater with friends.
5. Holding babies.
6. Chats.
7. Classical music.
8. Pop top-40s type music.
9. Reading in bed at night until I fall asleep.
10. Baths.
11. Film adaptations of 19C novels--well, I don't always like them, but I like watching them.
12. Marathoning TV shows.
13. Painting my toenails.
14. Getting a haircut.
15. Well-written literary criticism.
16. Laughing hard enough so that tears come.
17. Emails.
18. Mail in general.
19. Naps.
20. Boats.
21. Swimming. Water. Being in water.
22. The beach. The ocean.
23. Smoothies.
24. Trying new restaurants.
25. Stories.
26. Juicy, harmless gossip. News is a better word for this--hearing what's going on for people. The latest and greatest. Like, that one of my nephews did so-and-so. I would just say "news" but people might think I mean what we get on TV news stations and the newspaper. And that's not what I would mean.
27. Weather.
28. Film reviews.
29. London.
30. Squash. Particularly butternut and spaghetti.
31. Cooking.
32. Reading cookbooks.
33. A clean kitchen floor.
34. Ice cream. Homemade cookies. Caramels.
Ah, nothing like a nice list. So, just kidding on the thoughts. Maybe I will do thoughts later.
04 March 2010
The Secret History of A____ and Emails, an Epistolary Tale
Dear P_______,
Why don't you answer my emails? Perhaps half of my messages go to your spam mail. Or maybe you're just really busy. On the other hand, maybe my questions are obnoxious. Or maybe you think I'm too needy and you ignore my emails in order to send a different sort of message. At any rate, my inbox, empty of your replies, makes me feel like the it's the latter. Perhaps you don't want to tell me that I'm needy, annoying, and not worth your time with your lack of response, but that's the message I've gotten. And I think it's lame.
Sincerely,
A______
Why don't you answer my emails? Perhaps half of my messages go to your spam mail. Or maybe you're just really busy. On the other hand, maybe my questions are obnoxious. Or maybe you think I'm too needy and you ignore my emails in order to send a different sort of message. At any rate, my inbox, empty of your replies, makes me feel like the it's the latter. Perhaps you don't want to tell me that I'm needy, annoying, and not worth your time with your lack of response, but that's the message I've gotten. And I think it's lame.
Sincerely,
A______
09 February 2010
The Comprehensive Exam
Ok. So. I'm not ready to take my exams in a week, and I've decided to put it off for a semester. Sad, but also glad. I need to do the leg work to really own my list. And I need to cultivate the focus that that kind of work takes. Turning over a new leaf. Starting again. I'll try not to make this blog my Comprehensive Exam Blog (because that could get tres boring), but, to celebrate my new start, I'm just going to post my trajectory for this week:
Novel: Waverly
Poetry: Barbauld, Blake, Hemans
Criticism: Benedict Anderson's Imagined Communities
Go team!
Novel: Waverly
Poetry: Barbauld, Blake, Hemans
Criticism: Benedict Anderson's Imagined Communities
Go team!
02 February 2010
the time has come
well, it came a long time ago i guess. but now i think i'm getting closer to accepting it. the time has come to take charge of my academic life. i feel like a thrive in a mentor-mentee relationship. i thrive on pushes and encouragement from professors. however, the time has come to realize that i'm going to have to push myself. that i'm going to have to be the motivator, here. (i guess i have an option to actually ask one of my profs to push me--but i don't feel good about that. i think i'm too proud. and maybe this is a problem. maybe i like being upset about this. being the martyr. and if that's the case, i will really hate that i'm being that way. martyrs are not very fun people. so, let's hope that that's not the case. at any rate--it's not comfortable for me to ask a prof to do that). anyhow, i feel alone. and i'm going to keep myself company. and we're going to have a good time. and we're going to kick trash. because that's why one goes to gradschool. it's going to be hard to stop wanting that kind of validation. but that is what must be done. because the time has come.
anyhow, please excuse the fact that is apparently whine-blog! how annoying. please scroll down for happy post that i also posted today. i actually tried to make that post be at the top of my blog, but can't figure out how.
anyhow, please excuse the fact that is apparently whine-blog! how annoying. please scroll down for happy post that i also posted today. i actually tried to make that post be at the top of my blog, but can't figure out how.
Memories
So, I tend to blog about worries or hangups or issues in my life; I often feel the need to get that stuff out on paper (well, "paper"). That can be quite dreary and boring (also, sneaking suspicion that I worry about people reading just the hangups and issues of my life--not sure I want you all to know how insecure I can be). Also, I don't quite believe in this blog. I'm still not sure what to do with it or do about it. But I also don't quite want to abandon it yet. So, I'm going to copy my very creative friend. She is blogging things she loves. Maybe I'll do that, too. But, for right now, I'm going to blog memories. I love stories. And I love telling stories. So, here's one:
Memory number 1: London.
The Time I Saw Kenneth Branagh
As background to my story, I love Kenneth Branagh.
So, fall 2001. My first study abroad to London. One evening, my friends and I were heading to a movie in Leicester Square. Jamie mentioned that Kenneth Branagh was directing a play called "Play What I Wrote." I said I wanted to go see it, and then we joked about him maybe being in London, and maybe even being at his play, and then we moved on to new subjects. A minute or two later he passed right by me heading in the opposite direction, smoking a cigarette, and talking to some guy. I stopped in the middle of the crowd in shock:
Me: "That was him!"
My friends: "Who?" (obviously they aren't as obsessed w/ KB as I am)
Me: "Kenneth Branagh! He just passed us."
Them: "No he did not, you're lying."
Me: "No way, he's right there."
My friend looks.
Friend: "Holy crap! It is Kenneth Branagh."
We turn around and stealthily stalk him. I wrack my brains for things to say...only stupid things come to mind. He goes into a restaurant. And we go to our movie. I did go see the play later, and it was very funny. The end.
Memory number 1: London.
The Time I Saw Kenneth Branagh
As background to my story, I love Kenneth Branagh.
So, fall 2001. My first study abroad to London. One evening, my friends and I were heading to a movie in Leicester Square. Jamie mentioned that Kenneth Branagh was directing a play called "Play What I Wrote." I said I wanted to go see it, and then we joked about him maybe being in London, and maybe even being at his play, and then we moved on to new subjects. A minute or two later he passed right by me heading in the opposite direction, smoking a cigarette, and talking to some guy. I stopped in the middle of the crowd in shock:
Me: "That was him!"
My friends: "Who?" (obviously they aren't as obsessed w/ KB as I am)
Me: "Kenneth Branagh! He just passed us."
Them: "No he did not, you're lying."
Me: "No way, he's right there."
My friend looks.
Friend: "Holy crap! It is Kenneth Branagh."
We turn around and stealthily stalk him. I wrack my brains for things to say...only stupid things come to mind. He goes into a restaurant. And we go to our movie. I did go see the play later, and it was very funny. The end.
02 January 2010
It's Time
In honor of this brand-spanking-new year I feel to start a long-term, sometime-before-I-die, to-do list. So far, it's not very long. I mean, I can't just put anything on the list. It can't be things that kind of sound fun or crazy, but deep down I doubt I will make the effort to actually do. It can't be "yeah, that could be cool" kinds of things. Or just things that I've heard other people put on their corresponding lists. No wishy-washy entries here. It has to be things I passionately want. Things I'm willing to make happen. Serious things. A for real list. So:
1. Live in London (for more than 3 months at a stretch). Living in the UK counts.
2. Spend New Years Eve in Times Square.
3. Get PhD.
4. Write and submit (whatever that is or means) screenplay.
See, I even erased one because I wasn't sure that I really really wanted it. Will continue to add to list as things come up.
1. Live in London (for more than 3 months at a stretch). Living in the UK counts.
2. Spend New Years Eve in Times Square.
3. Get PhD.
4. Write and submit (whatever that is or means) screenplay.
See, I even erased one because I wasn't sure that I really really wanted it. Will continue to add to list as things come up.
11 December 2009
confession
so, i'm trying to write a paper over here and this, i'm sure, is just procrastination. also, it may not be altogether prudent to post this on a blog, but i just can't keep it in: i'm awkward when it comes to talking to professors. there it is. wish i could get over it, because i actually LOVE talking to them, and kind of thrive on communication with professors, yet i'm quite lame at it. is it that i can't think of anything to say? is it that i get nervous and then say stupid stuff and then obsess about all the stupid things i said later? is it that i'm secretly worried that i don't know enough cultural references to keep up with what they're talking about? is it that it kind of feels like one can't pry and ask the same questions of a prof that one can of a peer? perhaps. probably. i don't know. i can't get enough of it, though.
08 December 2009
what i want
you know what i want? here's what i want: i want to be able to do a project that is worth doing. that's interesting and that has an argument with legs that can walk around. and i want to have the stamina and focus and the patience and the mental and psychical ability to spend the time that it takes to do that kind of project. and i want a chair who believes that i can do that and who will push me to do that. (not to say that my chair doesn't believe that). and i want to be the kind of student whose work convinces their chair to believe that.
that's what i want.
that's what i want.
04 December 2009
greats of fall 2009
approaching the end of the semester. wowzers. i felt a hankering for another list and was inspired by a friend's blog. her sibs are doing best of 2009, but, in celebration of finals week, i thought a focus on the semester might be nice:
10. some really good conversations of late with profs. yay!
9. sushi nights with grad friends--delicious food and company.
8. TLS, and the upcoming best-christmas-party-ever.
7. great roomies (sad to not live with the loverly a.m.p. now, though--that part does not go on the greats list).
6. successful moves and channeling richard bennion.
5. having sj here for thanksgiving! love, love her.
4. interesting reading groups.
3. reading enlightenment lit.
2. hilarious, adorable students and some fun film screenings.
1. compiling very cool and intimidating list for comps.
not sure why i counted backwards from 10. the excitement and suspense of it, probably :) i have more, though, so i may have to do another 10.
oh (can't wait for another list): discovering the cupcakery. that place is crazy!
10. some really good conversations of late with profs. yay!
9. sushi nights with grad friends--delicious food and company.
8. TLS, and the upcoming best-christmas-party-ever.
7. great roomies (sad to not live with the loverly a.m.p. now, though--that part does not go on the greats list).
6. successful moves and channeling richard bennion.
5. having sj here for thanksgiving! love, love her.
4. interesting reading groups.
3. reading enlightenment lit.
2. hilarious, adorable students and some fun film screenings.
1. compiling very cool and intimidating list for comps.
not sure why i counted backwards from 10. the excitement and suspense of it, probably :) i have more, though, so i may have to do another 10.
oh (can't wait for another list): discovering the cupcakery. that place is crazy!
17 November 2009
let us take a moment to marvel
at the accomplishments of this man:
A statistic I learned in Tony's class: each one of Sir Walter Scott's 27 novels sold more copies than all of the poets of the Romantic period plus Jane Austen put together. Each ONE of his novels. That includes Byron, who was the first rock star. Walter Scott is arguably the most influential novelist in the English language and certainly made the novel a legitimate literary form. Plus, he was a great guy. His stuff is totally worth a read. Hurrah for Scotland!
A statistic I learned in Tony's class: each one of Sir Walter Scott's 27 novels sold more copies than all of the poets of the Romantic period plus Jane Austen put together. Each ONE of his novels. That includes Byron, who was the first rock star. Walter Scott is arguably the most influential novelist in the English language and certainly made the novel a legitimate literary form. Plus, he was a great guy. His stuff is totally worth a read. Hurrah for Scotland!
04 November 2009
unclaimed baggage.
side note: i was at a student panel last night (and heard two GREAT papers). one of the papers talked about confession and it occurred to me that this blog is like my own personal confessional--a place where i enact a need to tell truths or get at the truth of how i feel. that seems problematic. also/or this blog is starting to feel like my own personal whine-fest--not good, perhaps. also, i seem to need to start and/or end with side notes. at some point, i should probably scrutinize these things.
at any rate, i promise to have a happy post next!
so, lonely road. i've been having issues and thinking about them and trying to figure out what is going on (she says, cryptically) and it occurs to me:
*whether or not i'm happy about grad school is way too dependent on how i think my profs feel about me and the amount of attention i feel i'm getting. this strikes me as something not good--as something i don't like about, well, me. or at least about how i'm deciding to have this experience. i think i've said this before. and it's still the case.
*last time i was in a graduate program (i was thinking about this last night) i felt claimed. i felt like a couple of my professors decided i was their student and acted accordingly. they took upon themselves the bulk of advising me and helping me through projects. they talked through ideas with me and thought about where i'd do well in grad school. they were interested in and were invested in me as a scholar. i was their student. i knew that these profs were in my corner and had my back. i feel like this time around i can't manage to get claimed. not that there aren't helpful professors around. because there are. but there's a difference, i think, between having helpful, wonderful professors around and being somebody's student. there are moments when i think profs visit my corner or might be interested in being on my team, but i don't feel like i have peeps in my corner consistently. that people are willing to help rather than people consistently wanting to. it hurts the ego a little and makes this journey a little more lonely.
i feel like i'm not describing this well. i just want to be somebody's student. i want to be claimed.
oh well. silver lining! this is helping me be less dependent on profs and others to feel good about this journey (see first *). i have to take more ownership of me and my project. being the only one in my corner forces me to be stronger and to fight more. all to the good.
at any rate, i promise to have a happy post next!
so, lonely road. i've been having issues and thinking about them and trying to figure out what is going on (she says, cryptically) and it occurs to me:
*whether or not i'm happy about grad school is way too dependent on how i think my profs feel about me and the amount of attention i feel i'm getting. this strikes me as something not good--as something i don't like about, well, me. or at least about how i'm deciding to have this experience. i think i've said this before. and it's still the case.
*last time i was in a graduate program (i was thinking about this last night) i felt claimed. i felt like a couple of my professors decided i was their student and acted accordingly. they took upon themselves the bulk of advising me and helping me through projects. they talked through ideas with me and thought about where i'd do well in grad school. they were interested in and were invested in me as a scholar. i was their student. i knew that these profs were in my corner and had my back. i feel like this time around i can't manage to get claimed. not that there aren't helpful professors around. because there are. but there's a difference, i think, between having helpful, wonderful professors around and being somebody's student. there are moments when i think profs visit my corner or might be interested in being on my team, but i don't feel like i have peeps in my corner consistently. that people are willing to help rather than people consistently wanting to. it hurts the ego a little and makes this journey a little more lonely.
i feel like i'm not describing this well. i just want to be somebody's student. i want to be claimed.
oh well. silver lining! this is helping me be less dependent on profs and others to feel good about this journey (see first *). i have to take more ownership of me and my project. being the only one in my corner forces me to be stronger and to fight more. all to the good.
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