Cymru am Byth

dissertation

2012-02-10T14:20:00.002-05:00

{surprise!}

I'm currently looking in Peter Garside's bibliography for novels about sympathy in the 1790s. Here is one of the gems I discovered:

By Anon.
Title:
THE PERJURED LOVER, OR THE HISTORY OF THOMAS BEAUMONT, AN OXFORD STUDENT, AND MISS LUCIA BANNISTER, SHEWING HOW AFTER THE DEATH OF HER FATHER SH=E WAS UNDER THE GUARDIAN SHIP OF MR. SLYMAN, WHO WISHING TO GET HER FORTUNE, (WHICH WAS FIVE THOUSAND POUNDS) INTO HIS POSSESSION, COURTED AND MARRIED HER MOTHER, AND IN A SHORT TIME, BY CRUEL USAGE, BROKE HER HEART. MISS LUCIA BECOMES ACQUAINTED WITH MR. FRIENDLY, HAS MANY SUITORS, BUT NONE OF THEM SUCCEED IN HER GOOD GRACES, AS HER FORTUNE SEEMS TO BE THEIR ONLY OBJECT. MR. BEAUMONT, A RELATION OF MR. FRIENDLY'S, ARRIVES FROM THE UNIVERSITY, HIS AGREEABLE CONVERSATION ENGAGES LUCIA, HE WRITES TO HER, AND TAKES EVERY METHOD WHICH CUNNING CAN MAKE USE OF TO RUIN HER; HE LEAVES HER AFTER MANY PROTESTATIONS TO MARRY HER, BUT IN THE END TOTALLY FORSAKES HER. SHE PROVES WITH CHILD, HER FATHER-IN-LAW DIES AFTER HAVING SQUANDERED AWAY HER FORTUNE AT A GAMING TABLE, LUCIA TAKES LODGINGS IN LONDON, IS DELIVERED OF A BOY, WHICH IS GOT INTO THE FOUNDLING HOSPITAL. LUCIA TAKES TO DRINKING; DIES OF CONSUMPTION; AND BEAUMONT HAVING GOT A COMMISSION IN THE ARMY, IS KILLED INA DRUNKEN BRAWL, AND CONFESSES IT IS DIVINE JUSTICE FOR HAVING BEEN GUILTY OF SEDUCTION AND PERJURY. TO WHICH IS ADDED, ORIGINAL LETTERS FOUND AFTER THE DEATH OF LUCIA, INA BOX, IN HER APARTMENTS.

total winner!

couch to 5K

2012-02-05T09:38:00.004-05:00

we will like running if it kills us.

One of my goals this year, as previously stated, is health. To that end I downloaded a new app* called couch to 5k. It is an 8 week program with three runs each week made up for me. I actually really love it. The app tells me when to start, when to jog, and when to walk, and the work outs get increasingly more advanced as the weeks go along. My next run will be a 5 min warm up, a 2 min run and a 2 min walk, a 3 min run and a 3 min walk (done twice over), and then another 2 min run and 2 min walk, and then a 5 min cool down. This is good stuff!

*it totally cracks me up that my first step in getting healthy is downloading an app. nice. i'm becoming one of those scary iphone commercials where living one's life = being on one's phone 24/7.

This month I'll also be trying a new recipe each week in an effort to boost health. I'll let you know about the tasty ones.

confession

2012-01-23T23:03:00.002-05:00

i want validation/attention/mentoring from my chair so badly it hurts. i just have to tell somebody, and this blog seems oddly safe. i need to get over this, and i will. i am. confessing helps.

A New Year! Finally!

2012-01-09T17:11:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I know that the turning from Dec 31 to Jan 1 isn't technically different from any other turning of one day into the next. I realize that it doesn't magically make me a new, more on top of it, more motivated, more intelligent person. However, for me, there is something happy and magical about new beginnings, even if it is the slightly arbitrary new beginning of the new year.

And, I say good riddance 2011!! I'm with Dave Barry on this one. Not my most shining year ever. I'm not going to go over all of the low moments (whew! - failed rescue mission, my eye is on you), but let's briefly review my New Year's resolutions from 2011:

get married - nope
finish dissertation - nope

*sigh*

Moving on.

I recall that last year some people, instead of resolutions, did "the year of..." sort of thing. I think I'll adopt something like it.

So, this year is going to be the year of:

*health - going to figure out how to be healthy and stay that way.

*knowledge - I'm going to learn something about something every month.

*visiting teaching--100% for 2012

*dissertation

I'm still a little bit hazy on some of the details of some of these (I know, I know, not a great way to start this off--have a little faith!), but I'm looking forward to it!

For this month (and I'll review this in Feb):

*health (forthcoming)
*knowledge - contemporary music
*vt - 100%
*dissertation - 20hrs/week

Rescue Mission Day 2

2011-11-03T21:33:00.002-04:00

The very idea of my dissertation or working on it paralyzes me we fear.

So, didn't get a lot done on that. But! I did start to get a handle on some other things, such as my room. That's good.

I waste a lot of time, though. Got to stop doing that.

Rescue Mission Day 1

2011-11-02T23:19:00.001-04:00

Ok, nothing going on the dissertation, but it was a really busy day. Mondays and Wednesdays are my long ones. Tomorrow there will be dissertation work of some kind. Unfortunately, I also did not work out. So, progress...healthier lunch. That was nice. Hmmm. Must make better plans.

Anna B: Rescue Mission

2011-11-01T15:16:00.003-04:00

I really need to throw myself a rescue buoy. I've been drowning in a stormy sea of distraction and procrastination and dissertation despair. Other things in my life have been fraying at the seams as well--working out, keeping my room and car clean, reading in my field, etc etc etc. I'll spare myself the excuses because, regardless of these, I've come to a decision. It's time somebody stepped in and gave me a hand. And, more importantly, it's time that somebody became me. I think one of the things I'd like to learn and am destined to learn on this PhD journey is how to make myself do things that are hard for me. Specifically, it's sometimes hard for me to focus. It's hard for me to be my own motivator and cheerleader and encourager. But I really want to be that--I want this dissertation. I want this degree. I want to be focused and the kind of person that has what it takes to master this. I feel like I'm dealing in generalities here--just what I tell my students not to do. So, what I'm trying to say here is this: I feel behind in my field. I feel under-read. I am definitely way behind where I want and ought to be on my dissertation. And I feel almost unable, and certainly unmotivated, to focus and get the job done. And I don't want that. I don't like being a time-waster. I don't like failing at this, and failing because I won't try. So, I'm stepping in, staging and intervention, and extending a hand to me. Anna, you're better than this. You're more than this. You can do this. Indeed, you must and will do this.

And this blog is going to help me. For this week, I make a goal to report to myself the progress I've made. I'll report plans and ideas for getting on top of these aspects of my life.

{perhaps I ought to say that not *everything* in my life has gone down the toilet. i've got so many great things. and i actually feel really happy and i enjoy lots of things in my life. perhaps that is why i'm not so proud of the way i'm failing at this thing--my life has given me too many nice things for it to be ok to waste time and potential in the way that i sometimes do}

the diss

2011-07-24T23:05:00.002-04:00

as long as i'm recklessly wasting time online, i thought i might as well write a blog post. and don't worry, i haven't forgotten about my new hobby. i will post movie stuff up here soon,

but tonight, i feel like writing about my dissertation.

here's the deal. i can't seem to get past square one. i've been at square one for FOREVER. FFFORRREEEVVVERRR. forever. square one is getting a topic (meaning, in this case, a legit question) with a research trajectory. unfortunately, i'd apparently been going at it all backwards. i was starting at big grand sweeping conclusions. but my chair says, quite rightly of course, that i actually have to start with information from which i can later draw these sorts of conclusions. sheesh. whatever. SO, i made up some questions with some possible research trajectories and sent them off to my chair. we are struggling a bit to meet about them--hopefully that will happen soon--but in the meantime, i've been researching one of the questions further, and i have to say that it is quite overwhelming. which is a little bit scary and makes me feel like i'll never, ever leave square one and i'll be a failure forever. the end.

a new hobby

2011-06-19T20:20:00.002-04:00

leaving off the fake swears for a small moment....

i think i need a new hobby and i think it's going to be film. i've long longed to write film reviews. i'm not sure i totally get the genre, but i'm shooting to write one each week; or, at least write one thing about films each week. i think this will be fun!

a dumb a$$

2011-06-14T22:50:00.002-04:00

how quickly my mood and perception of myself and my life can change. how small the cause of those changes. earlier today i was pretty proud of myself. i worked out. i read my derrida. i got rid of the mouse. i cleaned up the roaches. i went grocery shopping. i ate a tasty dinner made out of veggies that i had precut for the purpose and meat that i had cooked and frozen earlier in the week and then thawed today. i was feeling like i was a bada**.

then i went to reading group tonight. i actually had preread the whole essay. i had marked it up and thought at least a little bit about it. and seriously, i was so stupid tonight. such a dumba**. i felt and feel so unintelligent and i felt like the only unintelligent one there. the only one who doesn't have it together. the only one who doesn't at least have a handle on their own field. (you might think i'm exaggerating. or that i really do have a handle on my field. or that everybody feels that way. but on the first two you would be wrong, and on the second, everybody feeling that way has no effect on the fact that i do). i couldn't believe how stupid i was. and, of course, it had to be in front of my dissertation chair. well done.

why am i even doing this? how will i ever have a project of any merit? or even a project at all? why won't i focus? why won't i absorb and retain and organize information? i don't like who i've become as a phd student.

anyhow, whatever. forward.

a bad a$$

2011-06-14T16:40:00.002-04:00

firstly, i'm a scaredy-pants. i'm scared of all bugs, spiders, reptiles and amphibians. also, most rodents. since i've moved into this house i've dealt with:

*fleas
*wolf spider
*20+ huge-a cockroaches

and today i:
*removed a dead mouse from the pool
*removed a frog from the pool

and i have yet to:
*get rid of the hornet's nest in the pool shed.

i'm pretty sure that makes me a bad a$$.

a good girl

2011-06-03T12:29:00.002-04:00

i'd just like to pat myself on the back. i want to tell somebody about how good i have been today and my blog seems like a good entity. today i:

got up admirably early
took the trash out and the big bin to the curb (while braving the bug infested yard)
cleaned out the fridge and cupboards
took that big bag out to the trash
made a grocery list
went grocery shopping
came home and put all those groceries away
put a load of towels in the washer

good girl! i'm very proud of you. thanks! me too.

dissertation, continued

2011-05-31T10:21:00.002-04:00

the problem i'm having here is that i don't quite know where to start. i've been out of the saddle for a little bit too long, so i feel like i don't remember anything that i've done. i guess i could write through some of the ideas i've been having. get them down on paper. maybe send them over to tony--investigate what i've got.

maybe i should make a goal to do one writing thing and one reading thing each day. i know that doesn't sound like much, but for this girl, it's pushing it!

i don't want to be premature, here...

2011-05-30T21:41:00.001-04:00

but i think i'm back in the saddle on research and dissertation! yay! i took a naughty naughty bad break for a while. but, i'm back. details forthcoming.

a new list

2011-05-28T22:24:00.002-04:00

i'm sitting here waiting for my laundry to dry, which is SUPER boring and taking SUPER forever, so i thought i'd write a new blog post. also, i need to cover up the previous self pity post. SO! new post! new post new post, move down, move down, new post new post, move down.

i'm also watching 24 on my instant netflix. i've got a little crush on jack bauer. can't help myself.

things i want:
new running shoes
one of those shoe organizers that you hang on the door
workout clothes
new swimsuit
church bag
beach bag
more time at the beach
pedicure
groceries, without having to go get groceries
summer tee shirts
summer heels
flats
church clothes
new unmentionables
dissertation
world peace
sees candy

also, my haircut lately looks like a hobbit haircut. good thing hobbits are the best.

basketcase

2011-05-27T18:15:00.002-04:00

last week i moved into the place i'm house sitting for the summer. it's a beautiful old house in forest acres for a professor that i truly love and admire, who is on leave currently on a fulbright in germany. unfortunately, several things have gone wrong. in the first couple of days i probably saw 10 cockroaches (palmetto bugs, so they say). i saw a wolf spider. there was a gas leak seeping into the master bedroom. there's a big and active hornets nest in the swimming pool shed. but, worst of all: there have been fleas. i'm currently in battle. hopefully i've conquered. however, it has undone me in ways that, well, undo me. i have become a totally paranoid freak. i can't find comfort or consolation inside of me. i will spare you the details, because sharing them would be too ridiculous for too many reasons. i wish i could be funny about it. it would probably be better for me to make this a funny post. oh well.

anyhow, i was driving back from campus to home sweet home and i thought of a book i really love: the hiding place. it is an autobiographical account two sisters' experience during world war ii in prison camps. they have a flea problem. i recommend the book if you haven't read it. or even if you have. i won't post it here because i can't stand the idea of being melodramatic enough to even think of comparing my situation to theirs.

but, like with any trial, i wish i knew what i was learning. i feel so lonely.

anyhow, whatever! this will pass! and i will feel like an idiot for being so shaken by it. can we fast forward to that moment? to the moment that i feel like an idiot? because that would be great.

beef

2011-03-30T17:25:00.005-04:00

do you want to know what is the biggest scam ever? that laurie and jo don't end up together in little women and then laurie marries the brat amy!! talk about insult upon injury! total double whammie. sigh. i will never forgive l.m. alcott for that. it's wrong.

i realize that scam is perhaps not the best word for what i mean. except for that it is because it sounds so...grrrr, you know? scam!

decisions, decisions

2011-03-29T19:00:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I'm trying to figure out what I should do for the summer. I'm hoping to work for the Institute of Reading, which is a corporation that offers literacy classes to all age groups over the summer. Teachers for the Institute travel all over their geographical area, teaching 4 or 5 out of 7 days of the week and days off are not necessarily consecutive. Also, my roomie and I are moving all of our stuff into storage of the summer, so we will be signing a new lease in the fall and will have to go through all the paper work and things that go with it.

Now, the question is, do I work in UT or SC?

pros for SC
*close contact with my dissertation chair
*the job ends before school starts
*I'm on location for moving into an apartment and signing and paying and all that jazz
*the beach
*grad friends

cons for SC
*definitely working at least some (possibly all) Sundays
*non-existent dating life

pros for UT
*family
*UT friends
*on location for NASSR conference
*possibility of dating

cons for UT
*ends after school starts--will probably miss the first day of the semester here in SC
*distance from diss chair
*not on location for move in thus:
*will make grueling three day drive and then have to immediately scramble into an apartment and start teaching etc. etc. etc.

side notes: sounds like Institute for Reading really eats up time, so I will not have tons of it for dating or dissertation. But it is really good money.

the serious things of life

2011-03-16T10:50:00.009-04:00

So, here's the real question: who is my favorite Jane Austen hero?

I've thought about this quite a bit and the answer changes from time to time and it also depends on whether we're talking about the books or the films. And any way you slice it, it's a tough choice. However, I feel fairly confident that in the films, my favorite is this man:

Jeremy Northam's Mr. Knightley is the very best.

And honorable mention goes to:

Hugh Grant's Edward Ferrars has long been a favorite. I love his portrayal of the character.

And I don't care what anybody says, I've got a little crush on Alan Rickman's Colonel Brandon.

And I think these men are hot. However, that's not really the point here.

And of course I love Colin Firth. But again, not the question here.

the next one will be positive, promise!

2011-03-14T18:43:00.003-04:00

do you ever want to quit your life? you look at the things you are doing, or should be doing and are avoiding, and think--why?? or--i don't even like this. do you ever lose every scrap of will power and motivation to do anything except lay on the ground and stare off into space with a vacant and uninterested mind? do you ever get to the point where nothing--not even fun things, like tv or going out to eat or shopping or watching a movie--is appealing?

some thoughts on progress; or, it's never too late.

2011-03-11T17:54:00.006-05:00

So, two experiences that seem related from which I gleaned a useful lesson.

1. I came across some journal entries the other day from about 5 years ago--at the time, I was part way through my master's program, which made for an interesting contrast to now being part way through my PhD. It was fun to read about how I felt and to remember details that I haven't thought about in a while. I talked about weaknesses I had that I wanted to conquer. I was making goals (and failing and making more goals) to be better. It was a little bit depressing to realize that I am still making goals to overcome those particular issues and that I haven't made a lot of progress on those things in the last five years.

2. I've been a bit troubled lately and was having a really tough time articulating to myself what exactly was making me feel unsettled. Even in prayer I felt at a loss in expressing how I felt and why I felt that way. And anything I did manage to articulate was as troubling and frustrating as the trouble itself. I didn't know how I was going to find articulation, much less how I was going to deal with whatever it was that was bothering me. Several days/weeks into this vague bother my mom called me and we ended up talking through and exploring how I felt and I ended up finding peace and resolution and resolve to do good things. As I think about this, I really feel (and felt) that the Lord was answering my unarticulated longings and the cries of my heart. I felt/feel like God heard my unsaid prayer and sent me answers and help.

And that experience helped me to feel and see that it's never too late to be better and do better. Just as the Lord sent me answers to that unsaid worry, He will send me help and answers in this aspect of my life, too. And even though I'm still struggling with the same things I struggled with five years ago, and even though I had hoped to be strong today in the places where I was weak, and even though I could have done more then to be strong in those areas now, that doesn't mean game over. I can start again. I feel like I was being taught that God helps us, me, even when I'm a slacker and even when I'm late. Because with God it's never too late.

To Do

2011-02-24T10:35:00.004-05:00

*clean my room
*finish and put away laundry
*clean car
*take car in for tune up
*change oil
*log in my hours on itams
*post stuff on blackboard for my students
*read 2 chapters out of Ahern's Affected Sensibilities
*write serious response to Ahern's chapters
*think through decay topic
*hunt down decay books in library, see if anything is there
*articulate the sensibility/austen topic
*read scriptures
*think through goals
*pay bills

ah, i feel better. nothing like a good list.

monster/villain/freak

2011-02-08T23:12:00.002-05:00

warning: this post is an over-share. and that is just that. don't even try to stop me.

i realized tonight as i was wakeful in bed that i have a monster inside of me. a monster that is an insatiable and overwhelming and maybe incapacitating need for validation. a roaring, snarling, drooling, green, spikey, monster. even my validation monster wants to be validated. super ridiculous and disgusting. exhibit a: this post. exhibit b: maybe this blog.

to spare the details, this is generally what i feel:

that in one of my very main capacities in life, nobody cares, nobody recognizes, nobody realizes. and the kind of person that does get care, recognition, realization is the kind of person that i am not. and i don't want to change into that kind of person.

maybe (perhaps probably) i don't want to change because becoming that person would mean that others were right and i am wrong. and i get it, that's a pride problem. and maybe, says a tiny voice, this lacking of c.r.r. marks that i am wrong. that there is some sort of problem in me. or lack of capacity. and maybe, says a louder voice, it's lack of desert, you slacker!

the ugly, frightening truth.

i guess i had better just be my own validator. flatter myself more often. contemplate my own greatness. throw my monster some tasty treats. great solution.

this post made me feel better. because recognition is the first step, right? and knowing is half the battle? and transformers are more than meets the eye?

dresses

2011-01-22T20:53:00.003-05:00

ok, this post is almost embarrassing, or maybe should be embarrassing, but i've decided that it's totally not.

so, in the last few years i've started leaning towards not having a big wedding if/when that happens for me (let's just admit right now that i have no reason to be thinking about a wedding. not even remotely. but since when does a girl need a reason?). i think this stems from a couple of things: 1) if/when i do get married, he and i will both likely be quite independent and will be starting our life together with more stuff than younger newly-weds. 2) if/when i do get married, i will likely be 30+ years old. friends and family are more spread out, and are becoming more so as the years pass and as i live in different places. my parents will probably not still live in the town and house where i grew up. thus, the people i would want with me, or that my parents would want with them, will/are no longer located in one convenient location.

anyhow, lately i've been leaning towards other options. maybe i'll do a destination wedding to wherever my parents are on their mission. and instead of a huge reception, i can have people come and then a really fantastic honeymoon. and then my husband and i can throw a big party at our house for our friends once we get settled in. so, this all leads to the idea that i probably wouldn't get a big dress. why have the big dress without the big party? we could get married in hawaii, maybe, and then have a luncheon on the beach and i could buy a really great sundress for a fraction of the price of a huge wedding dress. also, i think a small part of me was laboring under the delusion that it's more difficult to find a beautiful dress with sleeves.

the other day, though, i googled wedding dresses with sleeves and maybe i've changed my mind. maybe i will want a great dress after all:

i think these dresses, or aspects of them, are beautiful and what i picture wanting i ever do get one. also, a fancy dress is quite nice for wedding pictures. it sets that day aside as really special and significant. i may have to rethink my latest wedding plans. or maybe ignore wedding ideas altogether until i actually become engaged. or have a boyfriend. or go on a date. ;)

gorgeous, though, eh??

posting without reason

2010-12-10T14:54:00.011-05:00

does it ever happen to you that you want to blog but don't really have anything particular to blog about? or, you do have things to say, but shouldn't be posting those things publicly? this is one of those posts.

so, some randomness to satiate my current need to blog:

it's something of a hobby for me to watch film adaptations of 19C novels. i love 19C lit and i love films and i teach film adaptation classes occasionally. and i have decided that these films are really quite boring. very run of the mill, very uncreative. they all seem to fit into a box with specific dimensions: period-type filming, lots of dialogue, long gazes, lots of shots of English countryside blah blah blah. we just seem to be churning these films out without actually making them into something interesting/intriguing. they don't even bring the story to life.

notable exceptions and/or films that make the box look really good:
Jane Eyre

North and South

Emma Thompson's Sense and Sensibility

Bleak House

Emma (both the Gwyneth Paltrow film and the newest Masterpiece Theatre version)

(I also really liked)
Little Dorritt

Our Mutual Friend

Persuasion (not the new one)

We'll give a shout out to the BBC Pride and Prejudice
less my favorite, but still. mrs. bennet is unbeatable.

all versions of Wuthering Heights that I've seen so far: thumbs down

we really need to break out of these dime-a-dozen adaptations. film deserves better. victorian lit deserves better. we deserve better!

as long as i'm at it, i've also been searching for a decent film version of dracula to share with my students. this, it turns out, is a near-impossible task. here's what i think (don't even pretend you're not dying too know!)

*Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula
keanu reeves ruins it! seriously? also, way too much sexuality. my students would never see dracula as anything else. despite some very beautiful and fascinating filmic moments, thumbs down

*Wes Craven's Dracula 2000
you'd think this might be ok. wes craven is great at horror. it's updated, so that might make for some cool adaptation fodder. i like jonny lee miller. gerard butler is dracula, and he's hot. however, you'd be wrong. it was SO STUPID that i turned it off. NEVER WATCH THIS FILM. watch a blank wall instead. it would be way better. a million thumbs down times infinity.

*Bela Lugosi's Dracula
classic. iconic. interesting adaptation stuff. tres slow, though, unless you get lots of set up. thumbs up, but only because they ought to be. let's get something new and cool!

*Dracula starring Frank Langella
surprisingly well done. langella makes for a very romantic, byronic dracula. thoughtful, interesting, entertaining film. some great adaptation ideas. however, also dated (1979). thumbs up (except for that it's dated for students. still, i really liked it.)

*Masterpiece Theatre's 2007 Dracula
some great setup. introduces interesting twists for the story. however, doesn't quite follow through. meh. still, updated filming and nice film length (90 mins) made it my choice. thumbs up mostly. but also thumbs wiggle waggle.

so, there you go.

thank you

2010-11-25T13:59:00.004-05:00

biggest grateful news: i passed my oral comprehensive exam!! this means that i am done with comps and am on to the main event! i feel so happy, so thankful, for the miracle of passing writtens and orals. yay, yay, and another yay for being past that. yay for my committee, yay for my brilliant, supportive, and cool director, yay for the nineteenth century, yay for the eighteenth, yay for their beautiful and amazing literature and yay for their crazy and cool and interesting ideas, yay for novels, yay for poetry, yay for school. YAY!!

yay for:
health. i went on my own little turkey trot this morning on lake murray dam and thought about how lucky i am to be healthy. i really take that for granted.
family
friends
great roomie and living like every day is a slumber party
teaching and students
diet coke
church and the gospel and that i miraculously have it in my life.
pumpkin pie
books and getting lost in them and reading until way too early
movies and movie theaters
beds and bedtime
baths
perfume--i love good smells
fall and everything it stands for--newness and fresh starts, school, changing leaves, crisp air, sweaters and hoodies, school supplies, scarves, Christmas is coming
babies and a new nephew on the way
clean kitchens
chocolate
well put together outfits
vacations and trips
sunshine
weather of all sorts
gum
slippers and blankets
haircuts
bread and toast
milk
board games and card games
nature
mountains
beaches
water and swimming
family--again, because it's my favorite one.

happy day!

Victorians

2010-11-21T23:43:00.003-05:00

"Carrion Comfort"

Not, I'll not, carrion comfort, Despair, not feast
on thee;
Not untwist--slack they may be--these last strands
of man
In me or, most weary, cry I can no more. I can;
Can something, hope, wish day come, not choose
not to be.

But ah, but O thou terrible, why wouldst thou
rude on me
Thy wring-world right foot rock? lay a lionlimb
against me? scan
With darksome devouring eyes my bruised bones?
and fan,
O in turns of tempest, me heaped there; me frantic
to avoid thee and flee?

Why? That my chaff might fly; my grain lie, sheer
and clear.
Nay in all that toil, that coil, since (seems) I kissed
the rod,
Hand rather, my heart lo! lapped strength, stole
joy, would laugh, cheer.
Cheer whom though? The hero whose heaven-
handling flung me, foot trod
Me? or me that fought him? O which one? is it
each one? That night, that year
Of now done darkness I wretch lay wrestling with
(my God!) my God.

--Gerard Manley Hopkins.

That's why. Now I remember.

Whiney whiney whinerton.

2010-11-20T20:50:00.002-05:00

I hate my life right now. I have to take my oral exam and I'm NOT ready because I stink Stink STINK at studying and focusing and using my time well. And I don't want to study. And I don't want to read poetry. And I don't want to read criticism. And I don't want to read Carlyle. And I don't want to be in my messy room. And I don't want to clean it. And I don't want to take notes or look over my notes or think or grade. Or take my exam.

I just want to sleep and watch movies and tv and maybe go to the gym and take baths and be a whiney baby.

Happy Halloween!

2010-11-06T19:46:00.005-04:00

i've always enjoyed halloween. candy. dress up. running around outside in the evening. fall. frosted sugar cookies. all great things. this year brookie and i dressed up for the ysa dance. we decided to be rockstars and had a great time putting together outfits, punking out our hair, and experimenting with makeup (neither of us are experts in that department--but luckily b is a total rockstar and owns the sass department). the evening was a blast, and here it is in pictures:

prepping. check out our sweet hair.

in the car, getting reading to dance like we've never danced before:

at the dance, and our outfits:

check out the hott shoes:

with the peeps at the dance:

our dear friend derek as a surfer--which he, in fact, is.

karelyn g: planner of the dance and stylist extraordinaire:

brooke with papa smurf (david coats) and olive oil (darling jean marie)
being sassy on the dance floor:

us with jeremy, the bomb, as a ref. he also had a great tv screen.
our dear mara:

post dance car pics.

we had a great time!

and were very sassy.

happy halloween! we're considering being rockstars on a regular basis. a definitely solid plan b.

My Ideas

2010-10-21T16:08:00.002-04:00

i reread my comps questions with two results: 1) the harsh comments made more sense and i became even more at peace with that. 2) i was really jazzed by two of my answers--to me, the ideas seem really interesting and exciting and potentially relevant to my field. here's the thing, though: no one else seems to think so! well, not true, actually. brooke, my roomie, thinks they're super cool as well (and what else matters, really?). but no profs seem to be excited/interested. *sigh* this is problematic for obvious reasons--they have lots more experience and many more pages of reading under their belts than i do. if they think it's not exciting this means either 1) it isn't or 2) i haven't sufficiently communicated what it is that is exciting to me about these ideas. how, then, do i communicate those ideas, if i haven't yet? i mean, do i write them a paper out of these ideas and hand them over? also, what if i want to publish something or write an article--how do i do that? how do i find the right journal? how does one even write an article? i totally don't know!

oh well--my next step, at any rate, is to study my bum off and prepare for the oral exam. maybe after that i'll face this whole article thing and these ideas that i like.

PASS!

2010-10-19T19:06:00.002-04:00

I passed my comprehensive exam! Hurrah! Yippee!! I had a whole weekend of pure bliss. Loved life. Thanks, dearests, for all the support. Truly, it is a miracle.

Now I have my comments! They were brutal and I have plenty to work on--three cheers :)

4 for 4

2010-09-28T16:15:00.002-04:00

I did it! I completed (for now) my comprehensive exam. It really felt and feels like a huge step for me. And I know you're all dying for a play-by-play.

Ok, maybe not. So, that's the short story. But just in case anybody wants the long version, this is how it worked:

Over the last year or so I put together my dissertation committee (one director and two readers) and in company with them I compiled reading lists for a primary and a secondary area (for me, 19C British lit and 18C British lit). The lists covered works both from the time periods (so, novels, poetry, essays) as well as scholarship written about it. All-in-all I had probably 300 or so texts. Once every semester the department offers a chance to take the comprehensive exam and I decided to go for it this time around. My committee was then notified and they made up a list of 6-8 essay questions for each area (my director had the final say, though, on what questions went to me). The exam stretched over three days. So, on Wednesday morning I showed up at my department office and the graduate secretary gave those of us taking the exam our list questions for the primary area. I then had five and half hours to choose and answer two of them. By 2:30 sharp I had to turn in my answers to the grad secretary. Thursday was a break. And then Friday I did the same routine for my secondary area. I wrote my answers in our office and my fantastic office mates had put up little signs cheering me on and had put a diet coke for me in the office fridge. And Brooke, my roomie, made me a bag of treats to get me through. I was super, super nervous both days. However, I felt like I had answers for the questions that I chose and that I learned some things as I thought about how to synthesize the stuff I had studied. On Friday it took about five hours to come down off the adrenaline. I couldn't focus for very long on any one thing, my heart was racing, I was jittery. It felt so weird. But, I feel great to be done. I should know by the Oct. 11th if I passed. Three professors (presumably my committee members) will read my answers and I need to get at least 2 passes out of 3 on each of my questions to pass. So, big step. And hopefully I move forward to the dissertation!

Note to Self

2010-09-21T16:57:00.003-04:00

Dear Self,

I'd like you to remember these moments leading up to the comprehensive exam. Remember how much you longed to be studying without the pressure of immanent forced performance of synthesized ideas and knowledge. Remember how unpleasant you find it to rush and cram in hopes of reviewing something that might be of immediate service rather than long term usefulness. Remember how much you wish you could be studying these things at your leisure. That you could take your time on ideas and think through and organize your notes and thoughts. Please take advantage of all that leisure time you'll have post exams when leisurely studying will no doubt look less appealing--remember to enjoy that time to read and think and write unmolested by immediate evaluation.

Please.

sincerely,
Self

The Comprehensive Exam

2010-09-18T18:42:00.002-04:00

Reality: I should be studying for comps right this second.

Reality: I don't want to.

Reality: I could cry because I'm afraid that I might fail. Legitimately.

Reality: I am even more afraid that I don't have the capacity to study hard and effectively.

Well, you might say, the way to fix that is to actually go study right now.

If only it were that simple.

But it is, you say.

No it isn't.

i've been thinking

2010-08-30T17:41:00.003-04:00

[side note of explanation for any possible readers who do not happen to be of my same religious persuasion: I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon) and all women in that church are a part of the largest world-wide woman's organization called the Relief Society. Relief Society is the best and I love it]

the relief society should change its hymn. as sisters in zion (excuse me please for saying it) is such a weak song. the tune stays pretty much within a five note range. it has no surprising or interesting melodic moments, no lovely, moving or unusual harmonies, no rousing chorus.

ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding, ding diiing dading ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.

all quarter notes. no quickening syncopation, not even long holds. it's a sissy song. and we are much stronger, more exciting, more lovely, more moving, more inspiring than that. we are MORE. so, i move to change our relief society hymn. let's take hark all ye nations. i LOVE that one. or brightly beams our father's mercy. great one. or guide us oh thou great Jehovah. one of my very favorites. or how firm a foundation. and brooke suggests each life that touches ours for good. i'm totally supportive! that should not be a funeral hymn. great harmonies.

i'm serious about this.

Cymru part 2

2010-08-30T08:43:00.002-04:00

(this was also posted on the parent blog--more review)

I'm thinking I'll post one more after this so that I have a nice round 3 parts.

I originally wrote this post on the day I was leaving the UK. I think I'll just leave it like that:

I'm sitting in Heathrow Airport (for just about the bazillionth hour on what is becoming what feels like a 72 hour day. Friday night, Anders and I were up until 6am taking people to the Cardiff airport and Cardiff train station. And then we were up again at 9 to take the last group. Then we spent the day packing up the houses and getting everything together and storing all the program stuff in this totally creepy attic. That night we went to a movie. And then on Sunday I got up really early to finish up the packing and cleaning. And then Sunday afternoon we traveled to London Heathrow and went downtown and then spent the night in the airport. And now, Monday morning, I'm waitng for my flight. So, my inner clock is totally off--my brain is fried. And I feel great!). Anyhow, I thought I'd share some more pics and stories. I am filled with satisfaction and happiness as I sit here--it was such a great trip.

Excuse the randomness--this time I'm mostly just choosing pics I like.

Cardiff has some great parks. In one of them (Roath Park), there is a lovely lake and row boats, so we went rowing as a program. Zoe and I were lucky enough to be rowed around by Tom--there wasn't space in the other student boats. It was hilarious to watch everybody else try to get the hang of it and we all had a blast.

Pasties are my favorite food in the UK, and here we are eating them as a group in downtown Cardiff. Pasties are a savory pastry, shaped like a crescent. My favorite (the traditional Cornish) has steak and potatoes and onions and carrots. It's delicious and cheap and filling.

Tom had to leave about 2 weeks before the program ended and right before we did our UK tour. Anders, his son, flew in to be the replacement driver. On our second day out, we managed to get parking tickets. Apparently the Conwy Castle parking lot is a van-free zone. Oops. Tom leaves us alone for two seconds and we run amock

Here's the van I drove and my wonderful, brave, patient passengers! We had a great time. I really love these girls and totally appreciate how cheerful and trusting and helpful they all were.

Every summer there's a festival down at Cardiff Bay. There are street performers and farmers markets and delicious cheeses and ice creams and meats etc. etc. We always go down and tour the Assembly Building and watch the crowds. This day I had a delicious sausage sandwich with grilled onions and fantastic cheese. And here I am chilling with Tom, Dannica, and Tom's daughter Zoe.

Great times!

in which i actually go to cymru

2010-08-26T22:46:00.002-04:00

and during which i never manage to post on this blog, despite its title. sorry.

also--this is actually posted on my family blog as well. so, family, this is review.

part 1:

background: i went with byu study abroad to wales this summer in order to be their van driver. so, wrong side of the road and the car with a stick shift. and 17 passengers. it went incredibly, miraculously (and i mean that literally) well. there are drivers in this world and then there are drivers. anders taylor and tom taylor, the other drivers, are in the latter category. and i am in the former. i can drive, but i'm not a gifted driver, you know? i still can't believe how quickly i felt comfortalbish on the road. when i first wrote this post, we were on our week long trip through the uk. we had just driven from the southern tip of wales to the northern tip--a totally beautiful drive. also, there were several tight spots, that day and everyday. we really went all over the place. here are some picture highlights of my favorite things on the trip:

these first couple were from our trip through cornwall. we were down there for two days. it is probably my favorite part of the uk and it was also the most intense driving. lots of really really tiny roads and having to do lots of backing down steep hills in order to let cars pass. at the end of the cornwall tour we were behind tom when he had to back up for cars in his van and he mentioned how crazy stressful it was later. we had done it in our van about five times. still, great great trip and we made it!

merlin's cave.

landsend--the western peninsula of cornwall and western most tip of the uk. one of the most beautiful places i have ever, ever been. we walked along the peninsula at sunset. the photo doesn't do it justice--it was painfully beautiful.

the motor boat we drove at st ives. it was SO slow--four horse power engine and i think at least 2 of the horses were out for the count. we were cracking up. st ives has beautiful white sand blue water beaches (also very good looking guys, it turns out, running these boats). i have put a vacation there on my bucket list. for the beaches rather than the boys.

we took the train to london and spent the day there, ending with a show at the globe (tom, zoe and i actually did a double header. henry iv part 1 in the afternoon and henry iv part 2 in the evening). the globe is perhaps the number one top thing to see in london. it was great as usual.

then we didn't quite make the last train back to cardiff so we spent the night (from 11:30pm until 5:30am) in paddington station. it was actually a great adventure. everybody took it like champs and had a great time. i didn't sleep at all until the train ride home.

On Life

2010-06-09T22:40:00.007-04:00

A while ago a dear friend posed a question or proffered a thought, the gist of which was (as applied to myself): are my interests the center of my work.

I remember when I decided that I wanted to be a professor of English lit. It was my junior year at BYU and I had built my schedule around professors that I wanted to take (rule to live by #1, by Anna Bennion--I should create a list). So, I was in American Novel with Dr. Cutchins, Renaissance Lit with Dr. Siegfried, and Shakespeare Performance with Prof Young. I had never before loved school the way I did that semester. Those classes made me see literature differently--more largely. And, as a result, I felt like my experience of life/the world/ideas expanded. Something new opened before me. (I wish I could describe what that was--what was it? A new world? A new way of thinking?--I'm not sure, smaller than that, and maybe also larger. Certainly, a new love. Newborn passion. Which is odd, because it isn't as if I didn't love books and reading before that semester. What was this love for,then?--we'll come back this). I loved that semester so much that I was sad and depressed after finals, because I wouldn't be able to attend those classes anymore. And that's when I decided that I wanted to get my PhD.

So, why exactly did I want a PhD? What was it about those classes (and classes after) that awoke my desire to pursue this field? Or, what did that semester--and, really, the accumulation of my semesters as an English Major--awaken? What I'm digging for here is what's in that long parenthetical statement above. What was it that made me want to become a professor?

This calls for a good list:

1. Partly, I think, I wanted to become a professors because I had such great ones. My teachers at BYU have had an enormous impact on who I have become/am becoming and on how I think and how I want to be. What was it about them?

2. I loved being in a classroom. I loved thinking about and talking about literature. I loved being part of a discussion and I loved getting fired up about where the things we were reading would lead us. {soft be it spoken, I'm not sure that this love is all healthy--I fear that I like the validation I feel in a classroom. That I like talking and hearing it. That's an embarrassing realization--don't judge).

3. I loved how these classes opened up literature for me. But what does that even mean? How did it open it up and what did I see? I want to say something like "I saw the world differently" but that sounds so cliche and so general that it feels like it means nothing. Maybe literature helped diversify my experience. Or that literature gave me a unique and particular way to think about ideas. (but what was that way? what was/is particular or unique about it?)

4. I loved how literature opened up life. Or opened up experience. Something new, like I said above, opened up before me. I wish I could articulate that thing better.

5. I wanted to help students have the experience with literature, school, college that I had.

{nothing like a good list}

So, some conclusions I draw:

1. What is this thing that I want to articulate? Why is the study of literature so important to me? What was the new thing that was opened by literature for me?

2. Have I lost sight of that?

Writing

2010-05-04T17:34:00.002-04:00

I have a couple of topics I want to post on, but I'm making them wait until after finals. For now, I just want to ask: what makes writing so ridiculously hard? Why is it so difficult to get started? To get in the grove? And why is that grove so tenuous and delicate? *sigh*

I really don't want to finish writing this thing.

i hate grading

2010-03-27T23:41:00.001-04:00

yes i do! because it is a load of poo.

that's my new song.

sometimes

2010-03-17T09:16:00.001-04:00

it feels like i have an insatiable need for affirmation. what is up with that.

Another List. Or two. And maybe some thoughts.

2010-03-14T18:12:00.003-04:00

I've been wanting to blog for a while. My problem is a topic. Everything is so dreadfully centered around me and what I think and feel and worry about. Ugh. I just don't have what it takes right now--be it talent, work ethic, energy, whatever--to write something beyond my preoccupations. Hmm.

But! I did think of some more things for my life-to-do list:

5. Take piano lessons again.

6. Do a triathalon

Also, another list. Things I really like:
1. Sees candy

2. Devouring books. And reading books I can devour. That is not every book, let me tell you.

3. Going to see movies in the theater by myself.

4. Going to see movies in the theater with friends.

5. Holding babies.

6. Chats.

7. Classical music.

8. Pop top-40s type music.

9. Reading in bed at night until I fall asleep.

10. Baths.

11. Film adaptations of 19C novels--well, I don't always like them, but I like watching them.

12. Marathoning TV shows.

13. Painting my toenails.

14. Getting a haircut.

15. Well-written literary criticism.

16. Laughing hard enough so that tears come.

17. Emails.

18. Mail in general.

19. Naps.

20. Boats.

21. Swimming. Water. Being in water.

22. The beach. The ocean.

23. Smoothies.

24. Trying new restaurants.

25. Stories.

26. Juicy, harmless gossip. News is a better word for this--hearing what's going on for people. The latest and greatest. Like, that one of my nephews did so-and-so. I would just say "news" but people might think I mean what we get on TV news stations and the newspaper. And that's not what I would mean.

27. Weather.

28. Film reviews.

29. London.

30. Squash. Particularly butternut and spaghetti.

31. Cooking.

32. Reading cookbooks.

33. A clean kitchen floor.

34. Ice cream. Homemade cookies. Caramels.

Ah, nothing like a nice list. So, just kidding on the thoughts. Maybe I will do thoughts later.

The Secret History of A____ and Emails, an Epistolary Tale

2010-03-04T13:42:00.002-05:00

Dear P_______,

Why don't you answer my emails? Perhaps half of my messages go to your spam mail. Or maybe you're just really busy. On the other hand, maybe my questions are obnoxious. Or maybe you think I'm too needy and you ignore my emails in order to send a different sort of message. At any rate, my inbox, empty of your replies, makes me feel like the it's the latter. Perhaps you don't want to tell me that I'm needy, annoying, and not worth your time with your lack of response, but that's the message I've gotten. And I think it's lame.

Sincerely,

A______

The Comprehensive Exam

2010-02-09T11:54:00.002-05:00

Ok. So. I'm not ready to take my exams in a week, and I've decided to put it off for a semester. Sad, but also glad. I need to do the leg work to really own my list. And I need to cultivate the focus that that kind of work takes. Turning over a new leaf. Starting again. I'll try not to make this blog my Comprehensive Exam Blog (because that could get tres boring), but, to celebrate my new start, I'm just going to post my trajectory for this week:

Novel: Waverly
Poetry: Barbauld, Blake, Hemans
Criticism: Benedict Anderson's Imagined Communities

Go team!

the time has come

2010-02-02T11:24:00.003-05:00

well, it came a long time ago i guess. but now i think i'm getting closer to accepting it. the time has come to take charge of my academic life. i feel like a thrive in a mentor-mentee relationship. i thrive on pushes and encouragement from professors. however, the time has come to realize that i'm going to have to push myself. that i'm going to have to be the motivator, here. (i guess i have an option to actually ask one of my profs to push me--but i don't feel good about that. i think i'm too proud. and maybe this is a problem. maybe i like being upset about this. being the martyr. and if that's the case, i will really hate that i'm being that way. martyrs are not very fun people. so, let's hope that that's not the case. at any rate--it's not comfortable for me to ask a prof to do that). anyhow, i feel alone. and i'm going to keep myself company. and we're going to have a good time. and we're going to kick trash. because that's why one goes to gradschool. it's going to be hard to stop wanting that kind of validation. but that is what must be done. because the time has come.

anyhow, please excuse the fact that is apparently whine-blog! how annoying. please scroll down for happy post that i also posted today. i actually tried to make that post be at the top of my blog, but can't figure out how.

Memories

2010-02-02T06:15:00.000-05:00

So, I tend to blog about worries or hangups or issues in my life; I often feel the need to get that stuff out on paper (well, "paper"). That can be quite dreary and boring (also, sneaking suspicion that I worry about people reading just the hangups and issues of my life--not sure I want you all to know how insecure I can be). Also, I don't quite believe in this blog. I'm still not sure what to do with it or do about it. But I also don't quite want to abandon it yet. So, I'm going to copy my very creative friend. She is blogging things she loves. Maybe I'll do that, too. But, for right now, I'm going to blog memories. I love stories. And I love telling stories. So, here's one:

Memory number 1: London.

The Time I Saw Kenneth Branagh

As background to my story, I love Kenneth Branagh.

So, fall 2001. My first study abroad to London. One evening, my friends and I were heading to a movie in Leicester Square. Jamie mentioned that Kenneth Branagh was directing a play called "Play What I Wrote." I said I wanted to go see it, and then we joked about him maybe being in London, and maybe even being at his play, and then we moved on to new subjects. A minute or two later he passed right by me heading in the opposite direction, smoking a cigarette, and talking to some guy. I stopped in the middle of the crowd in shock:

Me: "That was him!"
My friends: "Who?" (obviously they aren't as obsessed w/ KB as I am)
Me: "Kenneth Branagh! He just passed us."
Them: "No he did not, you're lying."
Me: "No way, he's right there."
My friend looks.
Friend: "Holy crap! It is Kenneth Branagh."

We turn around and stealthily stalk him. I wrack my brains for things to say...only stupid things come to mind. He goes into a restaurant. And we go to our movie. I did go see the play later, and it was very funny. The end.

It's Time

2010-01-02T13:14:00.002-05:00

In honor of this brand-spanking-new year I feel to start a long-term, sometime-before-I-die, to-do list. So far, it's not very long. I mean, I can't just put anything on the list. It can't be things that kind of sound fun or crazy, but deep down I doubt I will make the effort to actually do. It can't be "yeah, that could be cool" kinds of things. Or just things that I've heard other people put on their corresponding lists. No wishy-washy entries here. It has to be things I passionately want. Things I'm willing to make happen. Serious things. A for real list. So:

1. Live in London (for more than 3 months at a stretch). Living in the UK counts.

2. Spend New Years Eve in Times Square.

3. Get PhD.

4. Write and submit (whatever that is or means) screenplay.

See, I even erased one because I wasn't sure that I really really wanted it. Will continue to add to list as things come up.

confession

2009-12-11T10:57:00.005-05:00

so, i'm trying to write a paper over here and this, i'm sure, is just procrastination. also, it may not be altogether prudent to post this on a blog, but i just can't keep it in: i'm awkward when it comes to talking to professors. there it is. wish i could get over it, because i actually LOVE talking to them, and kind of thrive on communication with professors, yet i'm quite lame at it. is it that i can't think of anything to say? is it that i get nervous and then say stupid stuff and then obsess about all the stupid things i said later? is it that i'm secretly worried that i don't know enough cultural references to keep up with what they're talking about? is it that it kind of feels like one can't pry and ask the same questions of a prof that one can of a peer? perhaps. probably. i don't know. i can't get enough of it, though.

what i want

2009-12-08T13:10:00.002-05:00

you know what i want? here's what i want: i want to be able to do a project that is worth doing. that's interesting and that has an argument with legs that can walk around. and i want to have the stamina and focus and the patience and the mental and psychical ability to spend the time that it takes to do that kind of project. and i want a chair who believes that i can do that and who will push me to do that. (not to say that my chair doesn't believe that). and i want to be the kind of student whose work convinces their chair to believe that.

that's what i want.

greats of fall 2009

2009-12-04T18:57:00.002-05:00

approaching the end of the semester. wowzers. i felt a hankering for another list and was inspired by a friend's blog. her sibs are doing best of 2009, but, in celebration of finals week, i thought a focus on the semester might be nice:

10. some really good conversations of late with profs. yay!
9. sushi nights with grad friends--delicious food and company.
8. TLS, and the upcoming best-christmas-party-ever.
7. great roomies (sad to not live with the loverly a.m.p. now, though--that part does not go on the greats list).
6. successful moves and channeling richard bennion.
5. having sj here for thanksgiving! love, love her.
4. interesting reading groups.
3. reading enlightenment lit.
2. hilarious, adorable students and some fun film screenings.
1. compiling very cool and intimidating list for comps.

not sure why i counted backwards from 10. the excitement and suspense of it, probably :) i have more, though, so i may have to do another 10.

oh (can't wait for another list): discovering the cupcakery. that place is crazy!

let us take a moment to marvel

2009-11-17T14:02:00.005-05:00

at the accomplishments of this man:

A statistic I learned in Tony's class: each one of Sir Walter Scott's 27 novels sold more copies than all of the poets of the Romantic period plus Jane Austen put together. Each ONE of his novels. That includes Byron, who was the first rock star. Walter Scott is arguably the most influential novelist in the English language and certainly made the novel a legitimate literary form. Plus, he was a great guy. His stuff is totally worth a read. Hurrah for Scotland!

unclaimed baggage.

2009-11-04T07:00:00.004-05:00

side note: i was at a student panel last night (and heard two GREAT papers). one of the papers talked about confession and it occurred to me that this blog is like my own personal confessional--a place where i enact a need to tell truths or get at the truth of how i feel. that seems problematic. also/or this blog is starting to feel like my own personal whine-fest--not good, perhaps. also, i seem to need to start and/or end with side notes. at some point, i should probably scrutinize these things.

at any rate, i promise to have a happy post next!

so, lonely road. i've been having issues and thinking about them and trying to figure out what is going on (she says, cryptically) and it occurs to me:

*whether or not i'm happy about grad school is way too dependent on how i think my profs feel about me and the amount of attention i feel i'm getting. this strikes me as something not good--as something i don't like about, well, me. or at least about how i'm deciding to have this experience. i think i've said this before. and it's still the case.

*last time i was in a graduate program (i was thinking about this last night) i felt claimed. i felt like a couple of my professors decided i was their student and acted accordingly. they took upon themselves the bulk of advising me and helping me through projects. they talked through ideas with me and thought about where i'd do well in grad school. they were interested in and were invested in me as a scholar. i was their student. i knew that these profs were in my corner and had my back. i feel like this time around i can't manage to get claimed. not that there aren't helpful professors around. because there are. but there's a difference, i think, between having helpful, wonderful professors around and being somebody's student. there are moments when i think profs visit my corner or might be interested in being on my team, but i don't feel like i have peeps in my corner consistently. that people are willing to help rather than people consistently wanting to. it hurts the ego a little and makes this journey a little more lonely.

i feel like i'm not describing this well. i just want to be somebody's student. i want to be claimed.

oh well. silver lining! this is helping me be less dependent on profs and others to feel good about this journey (see first *). i have to take more ownership of me and my project. being the only one in my corner forces me to be stronger and to fight more. all to the good.

bloggy thoughts

2009-09-28T22:18:00.003-04:00

{warning, i am in a mood}

1. the phd is a lonely road. i'm trying hard to not make it lonely and am failing miserably. which stinks on several levels--for one, i'm failing, and for two, it's lonely. i'm frustrated with my frustrated attempts. why does nobody else seem to crave academic companionship? why does nobody else seem to think that collegial groups that focus on scholarship a good idea? also, this is just more proof that i'm WAY too driven by and dependent on praise and connection/encouragement from peers and professors. i rely on motivation and affirmation(reaffirmation) from those channels to a ridiculous degree. if i don't have my little affirmation fix on a (really) regular basis (beyond regular, in fact. constant, more like) i get into a depressed funk and have trouble working. but then, i'm so excited by any affirmation that i have trouble working anyway.

2. speaking of dependency--the navel gazing of blogging is also quite habit forming. it's like a pensieve. i put my thoughts here and then they stop pestering my brain. i stop mulling over them and can move on to different thoughts on which to mull. it starts to feel like i can't move on to other thoughts (like, say, thoughts about whatever i'm reading) until i blog them. which makes me suspect i'm perhaps more interested in me than is perfectly healthy.

3. what if i just can't focus enough to read for my comps? and what if my reading is worthless because i suck at reading--my note taking methods are crap, i pick up on and pay attention to all the wrong things in a text? perhaps, my slacker habits and my procrastination are finally catching up with me in a bad way. maybe i've done some irreparable damage. at what point do i know it's irreparable? what constitutes irreparable? i know, i know. it's a choice. just sit down and read. but constant stress about taking notes and understanding arguments *or else* makes that easier to type than to actually do.

not really looking for solutions. just a place to vent.

on my crap list

2009-09-14T15:27:00.002-04:00

i REALLY started today on the wrong foot. monday has been of the darkside all day and has refused to switch over to the light--despite the fact that all of my classes were great today. i am still in crap mood. it all started with a cockroach in our cereal cabinet late last night. and then insomnia. and then an early morning. and no decent food in the house. and a messy desk. and being unprepared. growl.

SO:

1. cockroches. i hate them. with a burning passion of red burning fire.

2. what is the deal with USC and leaf blowing?? leave the leaves where they are and maybe try hiring people to clean the buildings. because they're DISGUSTING.

3. being behind.

4. my cluttered desk.

... i could go on. but i sense that i should stop.

a secret history

2009-09-01T23:13:00.002-04:00

{query: why do i always want to blog way more when i'm in the middle of homework than when i'm done?}

once upon a time there was a young girl. she went to school all the dang time. and she had nothing to say about anything. and could not make coherent sentences. it was ridiculous. so she decided to drop out because life sucks like that sometimes. she bought a guitar and started a rock band. except not. so she had to figure something else out. like maybe sell her less-vital internal organs and write screenplays on the side. the end.

wishing i could wind down list

2009-08-27T10:12:00.002-04:00

i'm totally wound up. i can't relax. even if i try. it's kind of exhilarating, actually. i need to get up to campus and start on my work (various). but here's a list about things i wish i could do right now to wind down (in an effort to wind down a bit):

1. Go to the beach with a book. A really gripping book.

2. Lay out at the pool.

3. Go home to WA and hang out with my parents and sleep in my bed and be pampered. And go grocery shopping for my mom and make dinner.

4. Go get a massage.

5. Go to the movies. Make that two movies. In a row. With treats.

6. Go for a long drive in the mountain with the windows down and park my car somewhere.

7. Go get a smoothie, put my feet up, and read.

things-i-wish-were/could do-but-not-really list

2009-08-17T20:37:00.004-04:00

i just couldn't help myself! after blogging my last post, i thought of a million lists i want to write and just have to post one before i go do something related to school, like read tristram shandy (there's a list waiting to happen--reasons i do/do not like that book)

{side note: i really like my life, so this is actually a fun list, not at all a sad/pity me list}

this could probably also be titled: things-i-daydream-about list.

1) An artist--the painting/drawing kind. Wouldn't it be so great to be able to create like that? How cool would that be?! How does it happen? What does it feel like?

2) Write a novel. How great would that be? To spend ones time thinking about how to put a plot together and fleshing out characters and stuff. I think I would want to be a fun-read novelist. Like a Harry Potter writer or a really clever and funny mystery novelist, like Jasper Fforde.

3) Olympic athlete. Preferably an ice skater. Or a swimmer. Or a gymnist.

4) A professional musician--a classical one. like a pianist. or a violinist.

5) Have a beautiful singing voice.

6) Grow thick, long, curly hair.

7) Speak lots of languages--like Welsh, French, Scots, German, Spanish, Italian, and Latin. Maybe Portuguese. And definitely Arabic.

8) Write calligraphy.

9) Speak with an accent.

10) Make a film! (I want to do this so badly!) And be able to act.

ahhh, good times. back to the infamous tristram.

why-i-am-skeptical-about-my-blog list

2009-08-17T20:04:00.003-04:00

i am skeptical about my blog. and i have been thinking about it lately and wondering why i am not really taking to this blogging thing so well. i have a couple of ideas:

1) because it feels like a journal, except public. which stinks, because then i don't really have the freedom and privacy to complain about things, or analyze/admit my deeper insecurities, or vent, etc. etc.

2) because i don't have any adorable children of whom i could post pictures.

3) because i stink at taking pictures of my own life, and so don't a have visual chronicle of me that i could post instead of adorable pictures of my non-existent children. and, let's be honest, my life pretty much consists of school. exciting. that is going to keep readers on the edges of their seats! it wouldn't even keep me (and i love school) at the edge of my seat. because i couldn't blog the really juicy fun stuff without using lots of code names and things like that (see #1)

{side note: on second thought, code names could be really fun. it would be like the scandalous secret histories i read in my 18C classes. that would also be very academic of me. still. secret histories had (and thus, i would think, have) a tendency to bite their authors in the bum later}

4) because a cool blog that has decided to not post pictures would require interesting posts that would, in turn, require thought and actual writing. and i am way too lazy to do writing on an extra-curricular basis. i mean, if i am actually going to sit down and write, i probably shouldn't be writing a blog.

{unless, of course, i decide to make the blog my "study for comps" blog--but then, see problem #3--that could be come very boring}

so, i'm not sure what to do with this thing. i have thought of making it a blog of lists. because i do like a good list. or maybe i will bite the bullet and actually practice writing. i know, fat chance. or maybe the blog will have to leave cyberspace. we shall see.

!

2009-07-07T20:36:00.001-04:00

i'm going to chop my hair off. i've loved it long. the curly-thing has been fun. but i am DYING to have it short again. stay tuned for pics.

hills make me vomit

2009-07-06T18:24:00.002-04:00

apparently. so, i've been trying to work out sometimes. one thing i like to do ("like"--ha) is intervals on the treadmill--2 songs at 5.2, 1 song at 4.0, 2 songs at 5.5, 1 song at 4.0, 1 song at 6.0, 1 song at 4.0, etc. it had been a couple of days since i'd gone, so i decided to drag my bum to the gym. i started on the 5.3 and really had a rough time. went to the 4. went to the 5.7 and really thought i was going to vomit. or pass out. seriously worried about it and making puke exit strategies in my mind. and i was a little surprised. i mean, it had been a couple of days, but still. so, i go down to a 3.7, panting, heaving, wheezing. and then i notice that the treadmill has been on a 3.0 incline the whole time! i shut that bad news down real fast. and then i did my one song at 6 and felt like i was going to cry. i wasn't upset or anything--just some weird emotio-physico release or something.

so, hills make things tough.

i felt great after, though, and rocked out to my ipod on my way back to the car.

a first!

2009-05-27T16:22:00.000-04:00

good news! check out this table of contents for a forthcoming book on adaptation and pedagogy:

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Foreword
Deborah Cartmell

Introduction
Dennis Cutchins, Laurence Raw and James M.Welsh

Section 1: Mapping the Field
How To Teach Film Adaptations, and Why
Thomas Leitch

Section 2: Adaptations in the Classroom
Frankenstein’s Monstrous Influences: Investigating Film Adaptations in Secondary Schools
Nathan Phillips
Adapting Composition, Arguing Adaptation: Using Adaptation in the Composition Classroom
Natalie Jones Loper
A Monster Course and a Course of Monsters
Anna Bennion
Oh My, They’ve Killed Socrates! Teaching Adaptations via South Park
Katrina Bondari
Sighting the Whale and the Rights of Man: Teaching with Film Adaptations of the Novels of Herman Melville
Robert McParland
Teaching Adaptation via Intertextuality: The Stepford Wives, Post-Feminism and Avant-Garde Cinema
Walter Metz
Life Without a Primary Text: The Hydra in Adaptation Studies
Jennifer M.Jeffers

Section 3: Adapting in the Classroom
Pedagogy in Intermedial Adaptations
Freda Chapple
Adapting Wilde for the Performance Classrom: No Small Parts
Frances Babbage
“It Must All Change Now:” Victor Hugo’s Lucretia Borgia and Adaptation
Richard J.Hand
Never Seek to Tell Thy Love: E-Adapting Blake in the Classroom
Richard Berger
Adaptation and Creative Writing: Brokeback Mountain on the London Underground
Mark O’Thomas
Towards a Pedagogy for Teaching Adaptation
Laurence Raw and Sevgi Şahin
Writing the Adaptation: Teaching an Upper Division Course for the Screenwriter
Diane Lake

Section 4: Adapting the Classroom
Why Adaptations Matter to Your Literature Students
Dennis Cutchins
Adaptability: Questioning and Teaching Fidelity
James M.Welsh
Teaching Adaptation, Adapting Teaching, and the Ghosts of Fidelity
Peter Clandfield
Whose Life Is It, Anyway? Adaptation, Collective Memory and (Auto)Biographical Processes
Suzanne Diamond
The Numbers Game: Quantifying the Audience
Alexis Weedon
Teaching Radio Drama Adaptations
Elke Huwiler
The Pleasures of ‘Theatre Film’: Stage to Film Adaptation
Milan Pribisic

my first publication!! what, what?

A couple more thoughts

2009-05-03T11:46:00.003-04:00

It's fast sunday. I wish I were better at fasting. I mean, I do it. And I even believe in its power. But I don't feel like I often (maybe ever?) get the experience Isaiah describes. We're giving it another try today. Which makes me happy.

I turned in a paper. I'm a little bit tender about it. I'd really really like it if my prof liked it. But I don't feel great about it--I don't think that I made the argument in the end. I pretended like I did, but I didn't really. I'm pretty sure my prof is going to pick up on that and it will probably confirm that prof's worst fears about me. Sigh. Just when I'm recruiting teammates. Sometimes it stinks to be one's only teammate. Good thing I'm fun.

I reread part of my master's thesis because I'm returning to some of its ideas. Was pleasantly surprised by the writing.

How did I miss the "know all the cool music" boat? I am very uncool when it comes to music.

I'm not loving my blog colors I don't think.

Two Thoughts

2009-04-27T17:38:00.003-04:00

I'm cheating right now because I'm not supposed to be on the internet. I'm supposed to be writing my papers. But these thoughts just keep bugging me and I want to stick them someplace so that I can come back to them later. Also, I suspect that the reason they are in my brain right now, begging to be thought about, is some form of sneaky procrastination. And then when I don't have papers to procrastinate they will promptly leave. This way I'll have them for later.

1. What kind of scholar am I? What kinds of questions are interesting/important to me? What is my academic constellation of ideas/stakes?

2. Writing is hard. I had something cool about this earlier today and now it's gone. Maybe it'll come back... oh well! I'm sure it'll return as I still have things to procrastinate.

PCAACA

2009-04-26T21:28:00.003-04:00

Following our tradition, Brooke, Alexis and I went to the Pop Culture Conference (feel free to join our yearly party; next year St. Louis and a baseball game). This year it was in New Orleans and we had a great time. New Orleans is a crazy city--kind of Disney Land + prostitutes and voodoo and bourbon. We hung out with our professor and walked around the french quarter, ate some beignets (lots of powdered sugar), saw some great street performances, ate some great food, and generally enjoyed ourselves. Oh, and we presented papers and didn't even really get attacked this year during the Q&A (which was a first--it almost didn't feel right). And we attended some panels. And one of the presenters in our panel *almost* wore a Frankenstein mask while reading his paper.

We really missed Lizzy G and Sarah--next year, girls!

Here are some picture highlights:

Some pretty sweet street performers.

Me, Alexis, and Brooke at the Mississippi R.

Trying on masks

Us and Cutchins at the graveyard--they bury everybody above ground.

Cuties!

say hello to my little friend

2009-04-05T20:45:00.002-04:00

I thought I'd get a little fresh air this evening. South Carolina is lovely in the spring. So, I opened the front door, minding my own business, and there he was. I changed my mind and went back in.

I think I've mentioned before that little green frogs chill around my front door. They freak me out. I was happy, though, to see this little guy today because I've been wanting to get photographic evidence. It took some courage to take these pics (hovering inside with the door cracked just enough to take it)--I was afraid he would jump at me. But, happily, he stayed put for the full photo shoot.

And don't even think that my fears are unfounded. One rainy day Melanie and Aimee and I were heading out to get some dinner. We were in the car when I realized that I had forgotten my wallet inside. My way back in the house was blocked by one of these guys (not this one, though, since he seems pretty tame). I opened the door really quickly, found my wallet, and was rushing back to the car when the frog JUMPED AT ME! Worst case scenerio! I screamed really loud and leaped off the porch. My roomies, watching from the car, were laughing too hard to defend me.

Tagged

2009-03-07T15:09:00.004-05:00

For you, Sarah, anything.

In no particular order...

8 Favorite TV Shows.
1. American Idol
2. XFiles
3. Project Runway
4. Criminal Minds
5. 24
6. Biggest Loser
7. Gilmore Girls
8. Without a Trace

8 Things I Did Yesterday. (yesterday is a bad day for this)
1. Slept
2. Watch TV
3. Got crack from Sonic (ie. Diet Coke w/ Vanilla)
4. Jogged
5. Read chapter about Orwell
6. Wrote paper about Orwell
7. Made dinner (sort of)
8. Stayed up super duper late

8 Things to Look Forward to.
1. PCAACA in New Orleans
2. Beach this summer
3. David's wedding and seeing family
4. This spring break week--getting some studying done
5. Going to UT or wherever at some point to hang with my lovely friends
6. Santa Cruz this summer
7. Figuring out how to live in the UK and executing that plan.
8. Very, very cool 18C class in the fall

8 Favorite Restaurants
1. Settebellos
2. La Fuente
3. Five Guys
4. River Cafe
5. Mac Grill and Mimis with my peeps.
6. Cheesehouse
7. PF Changs
8. Rodizio Grill
9. The Roof
10. Emilio's Pizza
11. Cafe Rio
12. Zupas

8 Things I Wish For
1. I lived closer to family.
2. I lived closer to friends.
3. I played tennis.
4. I were artistic in the painting/drawing way.
5. I had a well stocked kitchen.
6. I had a longer attention span and were a faster reader.
7. I had a job lined up for the summer.
8. I could fly.

Tag: my dears who read this thing. you know who you are xoxo

Happy St. David's Day!

2009-03-01T18:46:00.005-05:00

Or, really, Hapus Dewi Sant in Welsh.

St. David is the patron saint of Wales and today, March 1st, is St. David's day! Wear your leaks and your daffodils, Cymru am byth, and many happy returns.

To celebrate the day, this blog would like to share the Welsh national anthem (as sung in the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff before a rugby game) and some Wales photos.

the anthem (which I can also sing):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqtIlaHIqrs

Castell Caerfilly:

Countryside:
Caernarfon:
More Caerfilly
St. David's flag:

hobbies

2009-02-24T22:32:00.005-05:00

i feel like i need more hobbies in my life. so, i'm going to brainstorm some hobbies, sleep on the list, and make a choice.

i could...

use this blog to write film reviews so i could be like this guy some day:

and at the same time i could actually be writing things that i might have to revise before posting. how weird would that be??

i already do quite a bit of reading, but maybe i could read this religiously:

and find some cool books not in the 19C. and then i could tell you about it on this blog and corrupt young gradstudent minds like octavia dreamed the other night.

i could ride this:

and then do triathalons, because i have always wanted to. except for that i need a bike first, but whatever. details.

i could... (i'm not posting more pics, but you get the idea)

*find recipes and prepare cool food
*get a calligraphy for dummies book and give it a try (always wanted to do this one, too)
*take up welsh again. (ok, this one needs a pic)
*i could learn to quilt (something else i've always wanted to do. i LOVE quilts)
*i could learn to draw (ditto)
*i could explore all the parks in south carolina

out of creative juices. and i need to go read.

will sleep on it (eventually) and let you know.

a new all-time low

2009-02-14T14:57:00.001-05:00

ok, probably not really. i think i've been lower than this before. but still. i need to go work out. but i really have no motivation to do so. or to do anything, apparently, for that matter. i almost don't have enough motivation to post this post. but i am going to do it.

and somehow, i'm going to boost my motivation. i'm tired of living in the nothing. get me out of here. so, i think in order to break through the nothing i'm going to have to start doing daring things. so watch out.

crusade against procrastination

2009-01-13T00:17:00.002-05:00

so, today was my first day back to school. i'm sad to say that my fight against procrastination wasn't totally successful. however, i did manage to go to the grocery store on the way home from class, rather than putting it off until later like i wanted to. and i started rearranging my room--something i also wanted to put off.

and this post is helping me put off finishing cleaning my room, sleeping, and finishing my lesson plan.

welcome to the new year

2009-01-07T18:21:00.003-05:00

i notice that i follow lots of other blogs and never write on my own. pretty lazy of me. typical, really.

so, a few things on the mind:

1) secret: i really really liked the history of love. but i don't know that i loved it. well, maybe i loved it. but i don't know that i loved it as much as i thought i was going to. more on this.

2) when one says "i know something is true," what does that mean? i mean, i buy into it, for sure. i know some things are true. but what do i mean by that? what are the qualities/powers of true?

3) one goal this year: abdicate my dictatorship of procrastinators for life. i can do it. but it will probably take the entire year. this means using my time better. *sigh*

4) i probably have more goals than this one, though. that's just the big main one.

5) back to the history of love:

i guess i didn't know that i loved it until the end. i keep thinking about it, particularly about the parts that were the book the history of love. i feel like i need to read it again to really appreciate it. i thought the end was fantastic when the narratives come closer and closer together. and i thought the character of the brother and his role was great. and the style, and the different styles and how different they were, was amazing. and this is really crappy writing. i hope i can use more to be verbs and lame adjectives. one thing: i don't know how i feel about the "but." and "and yet." i also keep thinking about leo's need to be seen and watched. and the different relationships and threads and how they come together. it's pretty intense, thinking about it now. anyhow, my own writing is starting to embarrass me. so i'll stop.

qualified!

2008-11-16T08:48:00.002-05:00

i am now officially a phd candidate.

the question i answered: which theoretical model do i think is most useful/important in studying 19C british lit?

questions i didn't answer:
compare and contrast romantic and victorian poetic constructions of the self. (nope--don't really do lots of poetry. also hadn't reviewed lyrical ballads)
how do issues of empire manifest themselves in romantic and victorian literature? (nope--had decided beforehand not to do the empire question in the event of one)

to do:
finish course work
get dissertation chair
publish something
take and pass language exams
take and pass comprehensive exam
write a prospectus for diss.
write diss.
defend diss.
get job.

my first romanticism conference

2008-11-02T11:45:00.003-05:00

although i've been to a couple of conferences at this point in the gradschool career, i've never been to one that actually focuses on my primary area.

until october. i went to the ICR conference in MI. on the plus side, it was really great to see fall colors on the trees! i forgot how much i like the fall season and how excited it makes me feel at the beginning of the school year. also, i had a great time hanging out with grad students in my area from usc. and it was, of course, great to see nick--who was totally supportive as always.

on the other side, i can't even believe how stinking nervous i was to present my paper. i was really afraid that i might do something ridiculous in the middle of it--like cry, or wet my pants, or something. i didn't do either of those things, fortunately (go ahead and chalk that one up on the plus side). also, it just didn't feel right to be at a conference without brooke and sarah. and i discovered something rather unfortunate--it seems to me like i'm somewhere in gothic limbo land. i don't really know the 18C, but i also don't really know the 19C either. i really felt a lack of "expertise" in the romantic period, and as a result did not feel comfortable chatting with people about their projects--which was not that fun to find out as i'm hoping to both examinate and dissertate in that period. oh well! better go pull out the old poetry books...

booyah.

according to facebook

2008-10-06T13:34:00.003-04:00

i am a reincarnation of ghandi.

for some reason (perhaps a fantastic, very busy, and emotionally exhausting weekend) this is so funny to me and i can't stop laughing. good old facebook quizzes.

did you know

2008-09-05T11:34:00.002-04:00

that i am now part of three blogs? seriously. i can't even keep up with one.

so, i've been reading a lot for class lately. Vanity Fair has to be the longest book--and, as M. says, it just keeps getting longer. anyhow, i was sitting at my coffee table yesterday, and in the middle of reading i got distracted by trying to see how high my clicky pen could jump. i tried different parts of the table and different methods to keep my hand still.. and then i realized what i was doing. i think this may be early-onset insanity.

here's my problem, i think, with blogs. they are so dang public. not that people necessarily do read this one--i would have given up checking it long ago--but that people could read it. thus i don't feel as free to express thoughts and feelings like i do in a journal. i always think about how i never want posterity to read my journals. or if someone decided to compile my journals to figure out what i'm like, they'd probably think i was some crazed, complaining, self-indulgent, navel gazing i-don't-know-what. and, heck, i don't want potential googlers to find this and find that. maybe i'm just thinking of blogs in the wrong way. maybe they don't serve the same purpose as a journal. maybe my neuroses go in the journal and my something else goes in the blog. but what?

well, here's one thing: i think i have an allergy to high achievement/working towards high achievement/being seen as working towards high achievement. i gather this from class posts. i have to post weekly in each of my grad classes and really have a tough time not wanting to be super-informal. i have a tough time forcing myself to be polished there, as one would think i ought to be with anything my professors read. not so, mes amies. i almost take pleasure, soft be it spoken, in not being polished. weird. and i thought i was going to keep neuroses in the journal.

scraping bottom

2008-07-11T08:08:00.002-04:00

in so many ways. i've been with the boys for over a week now, and we've got a few more days to go. so far today we got up and had breakfast. i gave them a bath. they wanted me to chase them around the house and tickle them. we played race cars. we walked to the park and played and went to the store. then we had lunch. then we went back to get b's sweater. then we came home, and they are napping! so i've got some time to myself. i should be working. or studying. but, in the true spirit of procrastination, i think i'll write here for a minute.

things have been tough. it's not that they're tough kids. on the contrary. i mean, they are active for sure. but they're not overactive. and they aren't hard to please. but for some reason this has stressed me out. it has taken me to my emotional limit. it's tough to totally put my finger on why. i think that i think too much about planning out the time and filling up the time, when really the time would probably fill itself. i probably need to chill out. also, i'm sure going from having all free time (or at least time filled by things that i've decided to do) to having no free time has something to do with it. a little trauma. anyhow, i had better go do whatever it is i'm going to do. goal: chill out.

stick shift

2008-07-03T07:57:00.002-04:00

the great thing about this blog is that it keeps coming back. you think it's over, you're sure it's dead, and then, kazaam! it's back! it's like...something that keeps coming back. maybe i'll think of an apt simile in the course of a little typing.

1. I've discovered (rediscovered?) the best children's story book: There's a Monster Under My Bed. That's some great entertainment.

2. So, I'm in Denmark watching the nephews for two weeks so that d&a can see some of Europe before baby #3 comes along in Oct. Free trip for me. Triple ripple booya.

I'm slightly nervous about a few things, though. For one, I'm driving stick shift for the first time ever. I've been practicing for the last couple days. Keeping fingers crossed. W, my oldest nephew, is just potty trained. This means--not to put too fine a point on it--dumping out the little potty chair. Also, he does not like to go stinky and puts it off until the edge of too late. And finally, I'm a little nervous about handling two at once. I mean, how will I give both of them enough attention? And how will I keep track of them when we get to the park or tivoli or whatever?

On the up side (which is much greater than those few little worries) both boys are really sweet and funny and easily entertained. So, it's going to be quite a two weeks!

Will maybe keep the blog abreast of further developments as the week goes on (number of pooped pants, number of times car stalled in middle of intersection, highlights of the day such as playing in the kiddie pool outside).

good times!

list making

2008-05-19T08:41:00.002-04:00

is something i love to do. which is funny, because they never seem to work right for me--i lose them, or i get distracted by things not on the list, and then i don't end up crossing anything off. yet i keep making them. and i think i'm going to make more lists today. i need to make lists on:

*work out schedule (now that i have almost unlimited free time!)
*reading schedule
*reading list
*cleaning list
*to do list for today
*to do list longer term

i guess the first two aren't really lists. whatever.

also, what is the deal with post-semester blues? i feel like i'm living in the nothing. nothing sounds good--not reading, not cleaning, not napping, not going for a walk, not painting my nails, not jogging, not cooking, not watching tv. only two things sound any good--going to visit eg brooke and lizzy g and going to six flags. i am just in blah mood. zero zero zero motivation. to even move. so, i'm hoping that making some lists will help snap me out of my post semester yucky place. if i can get up the ganas to actually write them.

that's it! i'm doing the dishes.

one long identity crisis

2008-05-15T10:30:00.002-04:00

that's what i think gradschool is. 6-10 years of not knowing...who knows what. not knowing anything? not knowing what you don't know? not knowing everything? this is sounding kind of negative--but i don't mean it that way. i find the crisis quite exhilarating, actually. my latest crisis is not knowing what kind of professor/scholar i want to be. a wise wise person once told me that it's important to realize one's academic "ceiling"--one's intellectual capacity. as much as i think that's great advice and as much as i respect all advice coming from this wise person, i think i'm unwisely going to take a different route. i say always assume you don't have a ceiling. i say push beyond the limit as if you totally can. anyhow, that's my new MO and i might go down in flames. but flames are fun. flames are exciting. and hey, if this job doesn't have any flames, then i might as well go do something that will actually make money at a fraction of the time cost.

operation crave

2008-04-21T17:13:00.004-04:00

welcome to operation help anna's body crave fruits and vegetables (code name: operation crave). our task, as you might have guessed, is to see if we can't make me want to eat fruits and veggies. this isn't to say that i NEVER crave these things. i just more often than not crave icecream or hamburgers or tater tots (arguably, yes, a veggie--but for the purpose of operation habcfv we're striking it off the list). is this possible? i think so. i seem to remember randomly craving apples all the time at one point. a truly psychidelic moment in my life. i want to get back there. so, GO TEAM.

in pursuit of our goal, i'm working on baby carrots. we're bringing these to school and are not letting me buy anything to eat. this is a good place to start i think. carrots have that satisfying crunch and the weird orange color (weird being a good thing in this case--and good thing in most cases, i think). so far so good today. i ate carrots on my way back to class after swimming.

i'll keep you on top of any developments.

wildlife cont.

2008-04-18T10:03:00.003-04:00

I totally saw a big wild turtle today crossing the road as I was driving to school. Did he walk all the way to the middle of a residential neighborhood? Talk about the incredible journey. CRAZY!

reasons to live

2008-04-15T09:02:00.003-04:00

We have wild turtles here in SC!! Not even kidding. I was walking around my neighborhood the other day and there was a tiny turtle just chilling in the road. And my roommate, Aimee, says that sometimes she has to stop her car and move big ones out of the road so that she doesn't hit them. Who even knew wild turtles were an option?? How do they survive? Wild turtles!!! I knew that I was meant to come to SC.

the world

2008-04-11T08:55:00.002-04:00

is out of control! upsidedown! gradschools aren't begging the MOST brilliant people to join their programs! a perfectly normal person who will remain unnamed is suddenly obssessive naziperson! michael johns got KICKED OFF of American Idol! Seriously, world? Seriously???

changes

2008-04-04T10:09:00.004-04:00

This blog started as a place to post about my Wales SA trip (which was phenomenal). It has slowly evolved to be a place to think and write about all the silliness, anxiety and ridiculousness that comes with being in grad school and potentially facing up to life sometime. Which brings me to changes: because my blog has evolved, I started thinking that I ought to change my blog title from Cymru am Byth to something more appropriate. I even went to the settings place and stared at my title, poised to type something new and pithy. But it made me too sad (this seems to be a common theme with me and change). I love Welsh. And I love Wales. And it occurred to me that Wales Forever is totally appropriate. Wales is the underdog of the UK. But they're feisty. And they keep coming. And they're kind of random. They've got that great flag. Cymru am Byth it is.

Also, I couldn't come up with anything pithy.

cracks me up

2008-04-03T17:07:00.002-04:00

So, I'm writing a paper (shocker) which I have saved in my computer as "dang paper." Every time that I save it the save bar on microsoft office says "word is saving dang paper" as the little work bar fills. It makes my computer sound crochety and cracks me up everytime I push "crtl s." Loving it!

critical theory

2008-03-30T23:17:00.000-04:00

fills my soul with bitterness.

thoughts about grad school

2008-03-28T10:29:00.002-04:00

To copy a previous post on Alexis's blog.

1. How does a person choose a secondary field? How do I know if I like a field because I like a field, or that I like a field because I like the professor who taught it?

2. What if gradschool/academics isn't my cup o' tea? Will that be clear at some point? Do I want to spend the rest of my life researching and teaching? If I don't, what do I want to do?

3. How does a person know if they want to teach at a research-ish school or a small liberal arts school? I've never been to a small liberal arts college. Maybe I would like it.

4. How does one go about publishing?

5. How are people so productive?

6. I like grad school. And I like the idea of studying and reading and writing all the time.

7. I love the south in the spring. Months of perfect 70-80 degree weather. Wow.

8. I'm happy. I also feel like I don't remember how to think or how to make arguments. I don't know the rules of the game anymore. What kind of arguments am I allowed to make? Or, what kind of arguments are makable? When did I forget that?

another miracle. and a really good time.

2008-03-27T14:03:00.003-04:00

I managed to have a paper to present at pcaaca! And we had a phenomenal week. Brooke and I got there on Tuesday to eat sushi, make ourselves look dumb about coffee pots, watch American Idol, and write our papers. Sarah, Bethany and Kati joined us the next day. We had a great time walking around the city, getting blasted again for our papers, and hanging out with Cutchins and his adorable wife. Some photo highlighs:

Me, Brooke and Sarah at the Italian Restaurant for the BYU dinner.

San Fran in the park by the hotel. Gorgeous. We had beautiful weather the whole week.

a miracle

2008-03-14T22:32:00.003-04:00

while unloading my groceries i managed to spray sprite zero all over my pants, the bushes and the side of my car. that takes something special.

teaching over the last week

2008-03-08T11:59:00.002-05:00

We've been working on object analysis and things are going pretty well, actually. We started the paper on Wednesday and worked thesis statements on Friday. Friday's class went particularly well in my first period. We used one of the girls' object and observations of that object to come up with arguments about that object. I think they really began to see the social constructions behind things that they taked for granted. They really caught on to the idea of socially constructed gender norms. We talked about my brother being in Africa and the huge difference between what is "ok" in terms of physical affection between heterosexual people of the same gender in Africa and what is "ok" here. Anyhow, I'm happy with how that went. My 11:15 class was a little less into it and they're having a tough time getting beyond observations. We'll see how they do over the break.

Spring break here I come!

don't even worry

2008-03-08T11:53:00.002-05:00

I have a plan. And it is to kick some USC trash! Go team.

This, of course, means changing some unproductive although gripping habits. No prob. Will do. Consider it kicked.

i feel like a failure

2008-03-05T00:04:00.002-05:00

in so many ways. the great thing about this blog is that no one reads it. because i never post. so i can write whatever i want. my academic life is falling apart. i don't even know if it is what i want. or what i want. and i'm lazy. and i heard some great news today that made me feel absolutely worthless. i mean, what's wrong with me? what don't i have as a student? so depressing.

HP7

2007-07-24T06:06:00.000-04:00

How far along is everyone? I know Joe and Mom have finished. Don and Amy? Rob and Ann? John (are you really going to wait?) and Wendy?

I'm about 100 from the end.

Harry Potter 7

2007-07-21T17:03:00.000-04:00

I'm up to chapter 5 or so. A few questions.

No where else

2007-05-24T13:31:00.000-04:00

Well, I've made a mess of things. I've got a thesis that I'm writing that should have been finished five weeks ago. That's fun. So now I'm in the library working on it, and struggling. Someday I'll be on top of my life enough so that I can take a break without feeling guilty.

miracle

2007-02-06T12:33:00.000-05:00

if i finish what i need to finish by the time neet to i finish it, it will be a miracle.

silent sigh

2006-11-28T11:59:00.000-05:00

So, here's a question. Why did I not do the things I needed to do over the weekend? Here's another question. What was I thinking?? For the love. Oh well, that means there will be lots of library time in my future. Thanksgiving break, by the way, was delightful, delicious, delectible. And if I could rewind, I still wouldn't do my homework.

We painted D and A's house. It looks fantastic. We had a little bit of a paint crisis, but it ended up great with oat and roast. I hate filbert. Blech.

letters revisited

2006-11-21T15:07:00.000-05:00

Why is the internet such a pain in the batoosh? I got my other two packets to my letter writers today, and have been trying and trying to submit them as online recommenders, and EVERY website has been down! It's driving me crazy.

It feels great, though, to be on break. I ran into one of my students today, and I think we're both really happy that I cancelled class.

Now I need to start writing my statement of intent. I sort of know what I'm going to say, but it's all about getting started. I have writers fear. I'm planning on starting with my popculture story--where the lady told me to slow down, and then I got grilled at the end. It was SO funny!

changes

2006-11-20T21:04:00.000-05:00

I suppose I should mention that since Wales is over I think I'll use the blog for more mundane posts. It seems a shame for all this great computer space to go to waste, so I plan to now post about more every day things...grad school, papers, teaching, school, things of that nature. So we may not get as many wild pictures (I'll see what I can do), but at least I'll have a vent spot.

schools finally

2006-11-20T18:35:00.001-05:00

You know, this grad school application thing gets tiring! And it makes me crave going out to dinner rather than going home and cooking myself something. Whatever. Panda Express sounds good. Or Thai food. Or maybe Zupas. So, today I've been gather letter of recommendation stuff and compiling folders. Cutchins's is all done and sitting outside of his office. It took about a million hours to find it all. Now I have to get Matt and Nick's together. I also finally compiled a final list of schools: (!)

U Penn
Indiana
NYU
UW
Vanderbilt
Notre Dame
U of Colorado
SUNY Stony Brook
U of South Carolina

I'm pretty excited about all of them. Getting into my top will be nothing short of miraculous. But hey, I believe.